You’re either winning, or you’re learning.

For the past two summers I’ve been the pool director at a country club pool.

I have a staff of 11 lifeguards – seven boys and four girls. Nine of the guards are college freshmen and sophomores, and two are high school seniors.

This isn’t my first job as a country club pool director, but it is my first job as a country club pool director since becoming a parent.

Over the past two summers I have noticed some common threads with lifeguard applicants and my staff.

These are my anecdotal observations and not scientifically backed data or research, but I have consistently seen the same thing repeat itself over and over again.

Guards whose parents micromanage and do everything they can to prevent their kids from failing are my least dependable guards.

They don’t know how to pay attention to detail, and they are not proactive.

This isn’t specific to one gender, but I see it predominantly with boys.

I’ve received applications filled out by parents. I’ve received emails, texts, and private messages from parents asking questions their kids are capable of asking themselves.

What I have learned from personal experience, both with my own kids and my employees is that the best way to help kids learn and grow and become independent and reliable is to stop doing things for them.

Let them learn how to communicate with adults. Let them miss deadlines. Let them miss out on job opportunities.

Let them be responsible for both their good and their bad results.

Let them learn from their mistakes.

They will not make the same mistake twice if it costs them time or money or opportunity or all three.

But they will continue to be flake jobs if they know you are going to do the important stuff for them no matter what.

This is how mothers of boys, in particular, perpetuate the cycle of men who don’t contribute equally at home.

When you are raised by a mother who does things for you in order to make sure you don’t miss out, you don’t suddenly snap out of it when you get married or become a parent.

In most cases, you do what you know.

As parents, if we want to put dependable, reliable, proactive and successful teenagers out into the world, we have got to be willing to let them struggle and fail.

Because that’s the only way for them to grow. Failure is a necessary part of a healthy human experience.

Because failure isn’t actually failure.

It’s a guidepost.

You’re either winning, or you’re learning.

Let your kids learn.