You read it here first.

All of my pregnancies were great.

No morning sickness. No aversions to anything.

No physical problems really. All my deliveries were the same.

Easy.

Well, all except for one.

With one, I had fairly serious complications.

It didn’t help that the ob-gyn delivering the baby appeared to be,

um,

a total idiot.

I got an epidural, but no one hooked it up to the actual bag of drugs.

When people tell you that childbirth doesn’t hurt, or that you “forget” the pain, well, they are full of shit.

Natural childbirth hurts.

Like a motherfucker.

I have tatoos. I’ve done triathalons. Half marathons.

I’ve even done a triathalon and a half marathon on the same day.

I’m not a wuss.

I can take a decent amount of pain. But that pain sucks.

And I haven’t forgotten it.

So anyway, after the natural childbirth, and this is too much information here, the placenta did not come out.

It would not come out.

So, unmedicated, the obgyn had to go in and rip it out.

And when I say in, I mean IN.

With his hand.

It was not fun.

9 weeks later, I was sitting on my parents couch.

Their white couch.

I felt something beneath me, stood up, and, well, the couch looked something along the lines of this:

At the doctor’s office it was revealed that a large part of the placenta was actually still inside of me.

Which apparently is pretty dangerous.

So right there, they gave me a D&C.

Again, unmedicated.

And again, painful.

They didn’t get it all out.

In fact, they didn’t get any of it out.

And I was literally hemorrhaging on the table.

The nurse was panicking.

And so was the doctor.

They frantically did a second D&C.

More painful.

I was crying and begging for drugs.

It was awful.

Eventually, all traces of this child were finally removed from my body.

2 weeks later, when I went in for a check up,I saw the nurse.

She said to me,

“OH! I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were.

That was the worst thing I have ever seen.”

In this lawsuit-filled day and age, probably not the most prudent thing to say.

I didn’t sue. But I did change doctors.

And if you live in Connecticut, don’t go to the Avery Center in Westport.

Anyway, that is how Number 4 entered this world.

Trying to kill me from the moment she was born.

Until she was 10 months old, she wouldn’t let anyone other than me hold her.

She wouldn’t drink from a bottle.

She was still pretty much attached to me.

Only now it was on the outside.

Once she decided to finally separate herself from me, she moved on to the mortification stage.

She’s did things with fruit snacks and sand that would reduce some moms to tears.

She created unbelievable amounts of drama at dance recitals. And swim meets.

She went, unbeknownst to me, commando to school. For several weeks.

She has repeatedly refused to cooperate,

(Although when she did it this time, she won me first place in a photo contest):

That was on the first day of this past school year.

Yes, she has given me a run for my money.

We have worked very hard to channel her, um, energy, determination, and enthusiasm.

VERY hard.

I’m not a psycho about the kids’ grades.

I mean, all A’s is the goal.

But what I’m really concerned about is that they have a passion for something.

That they have an internal drive in at least one area of their lives.

If it’s not academics, then music, or sports.

Something.

Well, yesterday, I got Number 4’s report card. And I know she’s only in first grade.

But this is the best report card that any of the kids have brought home so far.

And Number 1 is now officially a junior in high school. So we’ve had a lot of report cards.

Yes, in all the subject areas she got the highest grade possible.

She’s smart, for sure.

But that’s not what makes it so awesome.

In her behavior, highest marks possible.

That is a big fucking deal right there too.

For any kid. But especially for her.

But that’s still not what impressed me most.

It was the comments from the teacher.

[Number 4] is of the high energy sphere.

Not breaking news.

But this one:

She has been the spark for every activity.

And this one:

She shines in all she does.

All.

Every.

Spark.

Shines.

The blood, sweat, tears, and yes, pain, while not forgettable, were totally worth it.

That kid is going to go far.

And when I say far, I mean really fucking far.

While it’s been a bumpy and tiring and embarrassing and painful ride, it has also been a fun one.

And it’s only the beginning.

I can’t wait to see where it takes us.

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