So what happened to actually making a kid wait for stuff?
You know how I feel about birthday parties.
A Chuck E. Cheese birthday party would have been a really big fucking deal for me when I was a kid.
It is not a big deal for most kids now.
It’s an expectation.
When did throwing a huge party for a one-year-old become customary?
I got sucked into it myself.
I threw a big party when Number 3 turned one.
I invited all of his friends.
Actually,
no I didn’t.
I invited all of MY friends.
So they could look at the Elmo cake I made all by myself and tell me how awesome it was.
And how awesome I was.
To be honest,
it was a total waste of time and money.
Number 3 doesn’t remember it.
It hasn’t made him a better person.
It took me until the 5th kid to really get my priorities straight.
Number 5 has never had a birthday party.
Neither has Number 6.
Or Number 7.
Of course we celebrate with our family.
But we haven’t ventured into the friend territory yet.
I’m going back to the basics.
You know, following the rule of the number of guests you invite to your party is your age plus one.
If you even have a party.
A birthday party is not a right.
Or a necessity.
It is a privilege.
A treat.
And if my kids have a problem with that, well,
tough shit.
This year I told Number 5 that she can invite 3 friends over to our house for a little “party.”
There will not be a pinata.
Or a bounce house.
Or anything else that costs a ridiculous amount of money.
Or any amount of money.
There won’t even be goodie bags.
Don’t get me started on those.
There will be a cake at this party.
And that’s it.
And if it doesn’t look like the Cake Boss made it, I think she will survive.
And so will I.
We talk to our kids all the time about not giving in to peer pressure.
But we don’t follow that rule ourselves.
Most of these parties are just so we can convince ourselves we are keeping up with the Joneses.
Our kids don’t need any of that stuff.
And all we are doing is upping the ante.
Number 2 is going to an 8th grade dinner dance tonight.
He told me there are girls whose parents have bought them dresses costing upwards of $300.
And that many girls are getting dismissed from school early so they can go get their hair and nails done.
For an eighth grade dance.
That’s gotta be like $500.
For a bunch of 13 and 14-year-olds to hang out in the school cafeteria.
I think we all know that they are hardly even going to dance.
The girls will sit on one side of the room while the boys awkwardly sit on the other side.
I don’t need to shell out hundreds of dollars for that to happen.
We’ll do that for free.
And anyway, if we lay down that kind of cash for an eighth grade dance, what the hell will they expect for the prom?
Forget the prom…
What’s the tab for their wedding going to come in at?
It’s not easy.
You know, to ignore the “But Jane’s mom let’s her blah blah blah.”
But nothing is special anymore.
Nothing is a big deal.
Because everything has become a big deal.
Well,
not in this house.
No more.
Number 2 will go to his dance tonight.
He will not wear a fancy suit like some of the boys.
Or even a new outfit.
But he will have fun.
Number 5 will have 3 friends over for her birthday.
It will not be extravagant.
But she has never had any friends over for her birthday.
So, it will be a big deal.
For her.
And she will have fun.
Which, after all, is the point.
Isn’t it?
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I agree with everything you just wrote. Goodie bags are the devil and if someone didnt have goodie bags at their kids party I would probably hug the parent. My kid could give a rats ass about goodie bags….all he cares about is if there is going to be cake and ice cream…….and running around like a monkey. When did parties and dances become a contest with who can outdo the last person? (and dont get me started on Pinterest and what THAT has done to birthday parties)
Yay, now I’m glad I didn’t do goodie bags! I felt like a grinch, but cheap stuff is tossed anyway. My son just had his first birthday party with friends this year, to turn six. If we weren’t moving and packing up, it would have been a simple backyard bbq with games and homemade (tasty but not pretty) cake. I had to do chuckee cheese because we were moving, and they had a great time. but the years we DO have birthday parties, they will be simple. If you have them every year, they are less special. The years I turned seven and ten are special to me as those are the two years I had birthday parties with friends. the first was a backyard kiddie pool/ fishing party, and the second was at the roller-rink/ sleepover 🙂
I agree… On all fronts. I need to stop giving in to peer pressure as well. I have a few “friends” that will snub their noses at me for NOT doing something BIG. But my son is 2. Not 21. Two. And he won’t remember them. So this coming birthday? Family and a couple of friends. I hope I can keep my resolve. Remind me in February about this??? 🙂
I agree wholeheartedly with this post. Things have gotten way out of control. Not only do many girls end up with an expensive dress for the moving up ceremony and dance, many also have a new, completely separate expensive dress for their confirmation if they are Christian.
“Most of these parties are just so we can convince ourselves we are keeping up with the Joneses.”
Or, OR, there are parents who are blessed enough to have the financial means to be able to do those sort of things for their children without risking blowing up college funds or otherwise breaking the bank.
One of the reasons I worked hard to get into a good financial position was so that I could do some of these things and spoil my children a bit (though I agree that once you hit the “it’s expected” point, it’s an issue).
I have nothing but respect to parents who refrain from spending large amounts of money on their kids on the basis that they can’t afford it or that they believe their child will become spoiled by it…
… but it’s a mis-characterization to say that most of those who DO spend money on their kids like that MUST BE doing it to show up their peers rather than doing it out of love for their children.
Spending a lot of money on a professionally decorated party or a 3 tiered cake (with coordinating cookies and cupcakes!) is perhaps an inefficient way of expressing love to a child who is too young to care or remember. Kids don’t understand how much a party cost or how much time and effort it takes (a good old fashioned guilt-inducing lecture could help…when they are about 8). It may be a way of expressing love (that your child won’t understand or appreciate until they are older, if at all), but is think it’s delusional to say there’s not an aspect of showing off or competition along with birthday parties these days. I tried googling “tea party birthday” and get results that probably cost more than my wedding. I think my 4 year old will be happy with her homemade cupcakes and a few balloons. If I can find some fancy tea cups for her to use at (gasp) a thrift store, that’d be a bonus.
This has been a fear of mine…the birthday party. Thank god for summer birthdays!! LOL I love your approach and have to remember that when that day comes and I get asked about a party. An outing or play date with a few friends is more than acceptable in my book.
I totally agree with you!
In the 18 years I was with my parents, I only had 1 birthday party where I had 2 friends over- at my grandmas house. All other birthday parties were only family and there was only ice cream and cake. And I made my own cake. I did go to college and am around $36,000 in debt for it. So I guess what I’m saying was that its not an either or kind of thing.
Well put dunno about that.
I’m curious? What is so awful about a goodie bag? I can understand if you’re anti-candy, but I gave out crayons, coloring books and stickers at my daughter’s birthday party.
Aren’t they in the same vein as wedding favors. “thank you so much for attending this event and providing us with a gift. here is something minor in return.”
9 times out of 10 you get the cheapo crap from the dollar store that either breaks, doesnt work right….or is simply a ‘wtf’ type of thing. Crayons, coloring books and stickers are NOT the norm (that kind of goodie bag I would be ok with….and the one time I did do a goodie bag it had a glitter ball, a juice box, bookmarks, erasers, pencils, and a slinky <—I have a boy).
My daughter is also going to the 8th grade dinner dance tonight. I told her if she wanted a new dress, she’d have to buy it herself. She already has a perfectly fine dress she could have worn but decided she’d like to hit the mall to see if she could find a deal. She found a dress, marked down from $60 to $10. When she has to spend her own money, she’s pretty careful with it. If I had offered to buy a dress, you could be certain it would’ve cost me more than $10.
I agree. I think old school parties at home are the way to go. I always had my birthday parties in my parent’s 1970’s finished basement with chips, soda (oh no), cake and ice cream. We ran around like maniacs and had lots of fun. My mom always hung up the recycled, no character, plain “Happy Birthday” banner. We played pin the tail on the donkey and musical chairs. Oh yeah, and invitations were the ones you wrote out by hand….remember those, not the ones you order online with creative sayings. Ironically, today is my birthday and this brought back a lot of memories.Thanks.
I agree! It’s become an expectation not a nice gesture! The first birthday I can even think back to was when I turned 8 and that’s even a little blurry!!
We did not even buy our children birthday presents until they were three. Why? Because everyone else gave them so much stuff, and they did not need anything, and they are never going to remember it. It’s cliche, but true….spend time with your children, don’t try to win their affection with stuff.
I agree but I think as the kids get older 11+ the party’s should really be toned down four or five close friends and a day out is enough as well as if the kids have party’s every year it gets harder to pick somewhere to go as Im not into house parties and the mess they leave ! And when they are younger the guest list tends to soar cauSe they haven’t picked who all their friends are
You are so funny. This is a good post – thanks for the laughs – and thanks for telling it like it is.
I agree that small children don’t need birthday parties. My nephew is on child number three and each one has a party every year with decorations and a theme that has to top the previous year. And we all feel guilty if we don’t drive two hours to the party. And I have 15 nieces and nephews!! A person could go broke if they all did this. The mom is so stressed out 24/7 it’s painful to talk to her anymore. That said — you have 7 kids??! I can’t believe there are still people in this day and age who can’t connect overpopulation with impending environmental disaster. Unless they’re adopted, which is less selfish but still a problem for the kids. Almost every person I know from big families is messed up somehow from their parents’ time being stretched too thin. They’re usually very pushy adults because of having to fight for attention all their lives. Good luck and I hope you have better results than most.
Its ridiqulous that a family are spending over 32000 dollars for a kid party. It should be enough to have a nice cake some juice ice cream and some sandwhitches. And if there are older people at the same party coffee and tea or juice. I think not more then 200 euros for a party for over 12 years old. A little less for under 12 years old