If you’ve been following the blog for more than 2 days, you know that I stopped yelling at my kids a couple months ago.
And a post I wrote about that was published on Scary Mommy.
And a whole bunch of ladies were pissed.
More than one said, I call bullshit.
They said if they didn’t yell no one listened to them.
So I just want to share this story.
Numbers 3, 4, and 5 all share a room.
And a couple weeks ago, they were all up in their room being particularly douchey.
I quietly pointed out that by behaving in this way, they were making a choice.
And that they had all just chosen to miss birthday parties that they had been invited to.
“Okay, Mom. We’ll stop. We’ll be good now,” they assured me.
I told them it was too late.
They all looked at each other.
I think she really means it…
At the end of last week, Number 5 came home from school.
“We had cupcakes at school today for S’s birthday. I told her I couldn’t come to her party.”
Ugh.
That hurt.
I wanted to cave.
But I didn’t. I held to my word. No party.
Two days ago Number 5 came home from school and handed me some papers as well as an envelope.
I opened it up.
It was an invitation to G’s birthday party.
“Can I go, Mommy?” asked Number 5.
“That’s up to you,” I told her, “and how well you follow the directions.”
She wasn’t sure how to feel about that.
But she accepted the answer without any more questions.
Number 5 has always been an early riser.
She is awake just about every day before anyone else.
Kindergarten has her so worn out that she passes out on the couch most nights before 8:00.
And then many mornings she’s up before 6.
I try to stick to the rule that if you’re up before 6, you have to go back to bed.
But she can never go back to sleep, and usually when I’d tell her she had to go back up to bed, there would be a back-and-forth that went about 12 rounds of me telling her to go back upstairs, and her telling me, NO.
Very often, by the twelfth round, I’d be whisper-yelling and threatening the longest. time. out. ever. or something else I wouldn’t be able to follow through with.
And very often, she would stomp up the stairs at 5:35 and wake just about everyone else up.
So this morning when she came downstairs at 5:43 and I told her it was too early, I automatically prepared myself for another 12 round fight.
“It’s too early,” I said. “Go back up to bed.”
“But I can’t go back to sleep,” she told me.
“Number 5,” I said. “It’s much too early.”
And then,
she looked at me,
and she said…
“Okay, Mommy. I’ll listen. Because I want to go to G’s birthday party.”
And she did an about face, tiptoed up the stairs, and climbed back into bed.
Say what you want.
Call your bullshit.
There was no threatening.
No teeth clenching.
And without one single bit of yelling, I’d say that was pretty much the loudest message I’ve ever sent.
Please click on this banner to keep me at Number 1!
One click on the banner = one vote! THANK YOU!!!
if you have clear consequences and they know you will follow through with them……….not.yelling.works.
If you want my personal opinion on the matter……people yell because it’s harder to have consequences that you stick to than screaming a bunch of crap that you know (and the kids know) you will never follow through with.
I call bullshit on THEM.
AGREED! (And btw..mine is now closing in on 21 and a junior in college but I still LOVE your blog) I know this as fact and I back you 110%! I was a single mom for 4 years and her “nanny/babysitter” taught me that I really could not feel guilty all the time about hours working or having to discipline this little person, that this was a part of raising a child with love. Along with my father, who told me to lock myself in the bathroom ..cry and call him if I needed to..but keep a straight face and STICK TO MY WORD from day one! Do IT, Bite your tongue..go in the bathroom and have a good cry afterwards but What you do in the early years makes for much happier teenage years too. This is a huge pat on the back moment.
It’s much easier to yell and not have to effectively THINK about a consequence or what currency the child desires. If you’re a teacher, you have to do this everyday from DAY 1, and constantly reflect (reflection means to think about) on what’s working in your classroom and doesn’t. You have 30 students, not 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… When I raised my 2 girls, I took the easy way out, and often yelled. I didn’t stop to think about a better way to communicate, which is exactly what your “no yelling” tutorials are about. Instead of criticizing you for making positive comments about how things are changing for the better in your household, naysayers should reflect on WHAT you’re saying. They might learn something. Or better yet, they should teach a classroom of 30 kids!! They’ll learn!!
I’m so glad you’re doing this and sharing it! I have one child who is almost 2 and I would love to try and parent like this way. My parents always yelled (we always gave them reason too!) so it would be nice to break the cycle.
Thank you!!
I read your initial post thru Scary Mommy and I found myself wanting to learn more. It got me thinking about my behavior and why I yell. Even though there are haters out there I wanted to thank you for your post because now I consciously think about what I am going to say and how I say it. I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and a newborn so the urge to yell comes up a lot and the past few days there has been less yelling and more thinking.
Bullshit. That’s funny!!!! Obviously the nay-sayers haven’t tried it! No yelling DOES work, indeed! You are exactly right. You’re an inspiration–reading your blog has finally given me the kick in the pants I needed to make this change myself! So, thank you!
You are absolutely right. You do NOT have to yell to be heard.
And, honestly, if you’re fostering that kind of environment, then you’re creating a home where you’re really ONLY heard when you’re yelling.
That’s so not what I want.
I feel so much better when I can simply lay choices out in front of my kids and let them choose. Not only do they learn about actions and consequences, but they learn that Mommy is reliable. She’s safe and constant when they feel out of control.
There is not any benefit to yelling, and there are so many drawbacks.
Their issue was not with you at all.
Their issue was with themselves, their guilt, and their own shame.
I’m glad you’ve got some good perspective.