Why be honest when you can be passive aggressive? Or, how to completely destroy a friendship.

About 5 years ago, a very close friend of mine asked my husband to do a really small job at her house.

Those little “handyman” type projects aren’t really his thing, but I kind of begged him to do it.

My friend had a reputation for being a little,

um,

difficult.

And demanding.

She lived up to her reputation.

And she wasn’t very nice to my husband.

So, after spending a lot of time thinking about it, I called her.

I tried to be diplomatic but to-the-point.

I explained to her that that my husband was very busy, that he had done this job as a favor to me, that he wasn’t going to be able to finish, and that she should probably find someone else to complete the project.

I told her that above everything else, our friendship was the most important thing to me, and I wanted to make sure that stayed intact.

We talked for a little bit after that.

It was a little awkward, but I thought the conversation went pretty well.

I was proud of myself for handling things in a mature, direct way.

You know,

like an adult.

My husband still had a ladder and a couple other things at her house.

I had made arrangements to swing by and pick them up the next day.

When I pulled into her driveway, I saw his stuff outside by the front door.

There was a note attached to the ladder.

I opened it and read the first line.

Dear Susie,

Of course this means our friendship is terminated…

It said some other stuff after that, but I don’t remember what it even was.

That first line remains permanently ingrained in my head.

I felt sick.

For quite a while.

But I knew I had done the right thing.

And I had done it in as grown-up a way as I knew how.

I learned an important lesson with that one.

Do not mix business and pleasure.

Do not work for your friends.

The potential to end badly is significant.

Fast forward to a couple days ago.

I had a situation with a friend.

I did not handle it well.

I did not act maturely.

I did not behave like a grown up.

The details aren’t important.

But I was upset by something a friend had done.

I still believe I have a pretty good reason to be upset.

But instead of confronting my friend directly,

I sent a pissy text to her.

She didn’t seem to get my pissiness.

So I sent another one.

She still didn’t seem to get it.

I thought about calling her.

But,

Of course this means our friendship is terminated…

kept running on a loop in my brain.

A day went by, and I was still stewing over this thing.

I couldn’t let it go.

But I was afraid that calling her would only end badly.

And so,

I posted what happened on facebook.

Anonymously.

But still.

Asshole move.

Now, I’m not saying these reasons are good,

but I did it for two reasons:

First, I wanted some feedback.

Was I being an ass?

Or was it okay for me to be upset?

My gut told me I had a valid reason to be upset.

So that should have been enough.

But I wanted to hear it from other people.

I needed to hear it from other people.

And I knew the chances of this person seeing the post were not small.

So she would read peoples’ comments and realize what she had done was wrong.

Yeah, I didn’t really need to hear it from other people.

I needed her to hear it from other people.

The she would see the err in her ways.

And apologize.

And tell me I was right.

Which is ultimately what it boiled down to.

I felt the need to make sure she knew she was wrong.

Unfortunately, things didn’t quite pan out the way I had envisioned.

She dumped me anyway.

In an effort to avoid the experience I had 5 years ago, the only thing I succeeded in doing was recreating it.

Except this time I did it in a super douchey way.

Super Douche.

So I don’t know if she’ll forgive me.

I hope, at some point, she will.

If not, something important has definitely come out of this.

Another lesson has been learned.

Actually, four lessons.

1) I need to trust my gut.

2) There is no winner in a getting-to-be-right-war.

3) Trying to avoid confrontation does not make things easier. Or better.

And,

4) Being passive aggressive is a fruitless and really unattractive behavior.

Ugh.

This being an adult stuff is hard work.

Way harder than any P90X dvd.

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