When will they do it? When they are ready.

I went to a(nother) birthday party today.

This time it was a party for one of Number 7’s friends at one of those gymnastic-y places.

It had a trampoline and a zip line and a foam block pit and a bounce house and all that kind of stuff.

The last time I had been to this place was when I brought Number 3 to a birthday party there about seven years ago.

As I walked into the building, I remembered him being petrified and refusing to go into the room with the other kids. I remembered trying to coax him and then trying to bribe him and then trying to force him and then getting really fucking pissed and almost losing my shit wondering why the hell he couldn’t be like all the other kids who were out there having fun and not giving a crap whether or not their parents were in the room.

I had so much to learn back then.

Number 7 took a little while to acclimate today, but after a few minutes in the room with her, I was able to make my way out to the lobby where another mom and dad were sitting.

I had a nice conversation with both of them. A nice conversation with both of them while Number 7 enjoyed herself with all the kids.

It was the experience I had been hoping to have seven years ago when I was there with Number 3.

I was talking to the dad about the differences in kids. About how  you can have two or three or seven kids and how all of them can be so different from one another.

And it took me until just recently, until our youngest was four years old, to really understand that no matter what you do, your kids are all unique individuals.

And by unique I mean even though they get the same DNA from each of their parents, there is a good chance they will all be really fucking different from each other.

They all have different personalities. They have different tastes in food and clothing. Their temperament is different.

And they are definitely all on their own timeline.

I think this may be the hardest thing for all of us parents to really grasp and comprehend and accept.

From the time our kids are born, we are hit over the heads with shoulds.

With milestones and benchmarks and criteria for things all our children should be doing by a certain time.

They should be rolling over by one point. Talking by another. They should be sleeping through the night by this point, potty trained by that point, cutting with scissors by this time, reading by that time.

Sure, there are some times when maybe we should be concerned.

If  your kid is three years old and isn’t verbal at all yet, that may be a cause for concern.

But most of the time we are so obsessed with our kids doing things at certain times that we forget they are individuals.

Just because our children are children doesn’t mean their feelings shouldn’t be respected. It doesn’t mean they don’t have the right to do things when they are ready as opposed to the time their peers or their siblings did it.

Let’s take potty training, for example.

Potty training is one of those really, really, REALLY controversial topics, because there are people (usually older ones) who will tell you that you are definitely doing things the wrong way and that your kid is like two years behind wherever he or she should be.

Number 3 was potty trained fairly easily around two-and-a-half years old. Well, the peeing part, anyway. It took him about about another six months to be totally down with the pooping. And another year after that to make it through the night without a Pull-Up.

I tried to force the issue with Number 4 when she was  18 months old. She basically told me to go fuck myself.

She was potty trained during the day before she was three. But somewhere along the way, she had decided that once she turned four, she’d be completely potty trained. Until then, she wanted to wear a Pull-Up at night.

And sure enough, on her fourth birthday, the first thing she did was come downstairs and proclaim, “I’M FOUR NOW, SO I DON’T NEED PULL UPS AT NIGHT ANYMORE!!!”

And just like that, she was done.

Number 5 basically potty trained herself when she was two, way earlier than everyone else.

Because she was ready.

Same with Number 7. Number 7 was been 100% potty trained and Pull-Up free at night since before she was three years old.

But not Number 6.

Number 6 has been the slowest of all of them.

He’s fine during the day. But at night it’s a different story.

He’s almost done with kindergarten, two months from his sixth birthday, and he only just recently stopped wearing a Pull-Up at night.

And that’s not because he can make it through the night without one. It’s because some of his siblings teased him and told him he still needed to wear a “diaper” at night.

I was telling this to his old preschool teacher recently and she said to me, ” Have you taken him to the doctor?”

Doctor?

He doesn’t need a doctor. He’s just not ready yet.

There’s nothing wrong with him. His brain and body just aren’t communicating with each other at night like the other kids’ brains and bodies were.

He’s in such a deep sleep that nothing, not even the world’s fullest bladder, wakes him up.

If it wasn’t affecting his self esteem, I’d have left him in Pull-Ups still.

But he wants to be Pull-Up free. So we are working on it. Every night I wake  him up around 11:30 and then again around 3:00.

We are getting there. And he may be three years behind some of his sisters, but that’s okay.

He’s on his own timeline.

The same thing goes for Number 7 and her blankie.

She still takes it with her to school. Her class has “recess” first thing in the morning. So when I drop her off at school, I bring her right to the playground and say goodbye to her there.

For some reason, she has a thing about being able to take her blankie outside with her and put it on the bench while she goes on the swings. I have no idea why she does this, but it doesn’t bother me.

As grown ups we like to drink out of favorite coffee cups or sit in the same spot on the couch or use the same bathroom stall at work. We like comfort and routine.

Right now her routine and her comfort is to take her blankie out on the playground and leave it on the bench while she swings.

Her teachers are pushing for her to leave the blankie at home, but she’s just not ready.  And I’m not going to push her.

I could force the issue like I tried to force Number 3 to go into that party seven years ago.

But if there is anything I’ve learned since becoming a parent, it’s that forcing the issue only makes your kid push back more.

This isn’t a matter of safety. It’s not like she’s refusing to hold my hand in the parking lot or run around the school with a sharp pair of scissors. That would be different.

At some point she may be ready to leave the blankie in her backpack or leave it at home altogether.

But I’m going to let her decide when that day is.

It’s not different for us adults.

We don’t decide to stop drinking or eat healthier or stop dating that asshole because someone tells us we have to.

We do it when we are finally ready.

Our kids deserve that same respect.

If you are feeling frustrated, if you are feeling stressed and worried that your kid isn’t progressing according to the timeline your mother or your doctor or that teacher has determined they should be adhering to, take a step back.

Allow your kids to reach those milestones according to their timelines.

When you do that, you eliminate the power struggle and the stress and the frustration and the anger.

But you welcome the opportunity for your child to let you know when she is ready.

And just like she lets you know when she isn’t ready, I can assure you that she will definitely let you know when she is.

 

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