What Your Teenager Might Be Trying To Tell You

We swim on a swim team that’s about 45 minutes from our house.

Number 3 has practice six days a week, Monday through Saturday.

Number 4 has practice five days a week on Monday and Wednesday through Saturday.

Number 5 and 7 have practice three nights a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I’m the coach of their group.

On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I drive all five kids to practice. Depending on traffic we are in the car for a total of 90 minutes to two hours on those three nights.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays my parents do the drive so I can stay home with the younger three so they have two chill out nights where they don’t have to go anywhere.

But this past Monday things were crazy and Number 4 was sick and I had to go to a meeting instead of coaching practice, so the little guys stayed home and I found myself in a very rare situation.

It was just me and Number 3 in the car.

For forty-five minutes to practice and then forty-five minutes home.

We had an hour and a half of one-on-one time.

That almost never happens.

Number 3 is a good kid. He’s hardworking and fairly responsible and independent.

But boy does he push my buttons.

And right now he’s going through something.

I’ll be honest.

He has been frustrating the hell out of me.

To the point of total exasperation.

To the point where I welcome those times — or am even counting down the minutes to — when my parents come pick him up on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Because then I know I’ll have a few hours where no buttons will be pushed and where he won’t be instigating anything with his siblings.

I know maybe that sounds terrible.

But it’s true.

I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what the heck is going on with him.

And on Monday I think I figured it out.

I’m a little annoyed with myself because I already knew this.

I just forget it so easily sometimes. Repeatedly, actually.

I think so often we worry about our young kids.

Are we giving them enough attention? Are we spending quality time with them? Are we giving them what they need in order to grow into decent, upstanding human beings?

Then they get older and they develop a little attitude and the desire for more freedom and responsibility and then there is social media and YouTube and the push back as they assert their independence and I don’t know about everyone else, but for me it’s pretty easy to just let the older ones retreat into their rooms so I can have a little break.

But then I think this leads to lack of connection and distance.

And maybe your thirteen year old doesn’t want hugs and kisses like your eight-year-old still does, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want your attention.

And your affection.

Affection doesn’t only come in the form of hugs and kisses.

You can have a fondness and affection for your grandmother, but that doesn’t mean you are smothering her with hugs and kisses.

But she does know and feel that you really enjoy being around her.

I’ll be honest.

I tell my little guys I love them way more often than I tell the older ones.

Because they are more physically affectionate with me . They are just still at that age where the first thing they do upon waking up is come downstairs, look for me, and then give me a hug.

And for some reason the I love you so muches roll off my tongue much more easily with the younger kids.

Perhaps it’s because I think the older ones just don’t want that kind of attention so much now.

But I’m pretty sure I’m wrong.

And maybe Number 3 is showing me through his behavior that this bothers him.

In my family the lack of one-on-one time is a little bit magnified due to the number of kids we have.

Which means I really need to be more conscious of all my interactions with all of them.

Especially the older ones.

On Monday night when it was just Number 3 and me, we had the best ride to and from the pool.

We talked about anything and everything.

Number 3 had his headphones and his iPod with him, but he wasn’t interested in that.

He never picked them up or even attempted to put them on.

He just wanted to talk.

To me.

His mother.

We talked and talked and talked and talked.

He fired off question after question.

And he was so funny.

I laughed harder than I’ve laughed in a while with Number 3 this past Monday night.

That was when the lightbulb went off.

My aha moment had arrived.

Again.

I know this isn’t just me.

Do you have completely different experiences when you are with one of your kids as opposed to all of them?

How often do you conclude that the issue is between the kids?

I’ve done this plenty of times.

But when this is an issue across the board with the majority of parents, then maybe the constant isn’t the kids.

Maybe it’s the parents.

And maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe it’s not attention and affection from me that Number 3 is looking for. Maybe it’s something else.

But I’m gonna test out my hypothesis, because I think it’s spot on.

All this time I’ve been trying to figure out what the problem is with Number 3.

When the person I really should have been focusing on was… myself.