What I learned in therapy this week: I’m still working on that 90%.

I have been working really hard to teach the kids that the only people they can control are themselves.

That they cannot make other people do what they want them to do, or what a reasonable person would think someone should do.

I have really been trying to teach them that the only thing they can control is how they react to a situation.

And not to throw a total fit when things don’t always go their way.

Two weeks ago I learned that anxiety, for me, often presents itself in the form of anger.

Apparently the kids aren’t the only ones throwing fits when things don’t go their way.

Last week I learned to envision a stop sign when I feel the anxiety and anger rising, and the ensuing Mom tantrum in the not-too-distant future.

This week, I learned that I am setting myself up for these adult tantrums.

Apparently my expectations are a little unrealistic sometimes.

I usually plan on all the stars being in alignment.

I usually plan on no traffic, no construction,  hitting every green light, my kids not getting sick, and my two-year-old not taking a dump in her pull-up 4 seconds before we are going to walk out the door.

I plan on people not being assholes, my computer always functioning properly, the person in front of me in the grocery store to know how to swipe her fucking credit card, and not having to wait on hold for 37 minutes to talk to an actual person from Connecticare.

I plan on my kids knowing better than to open four boxes of pasta and throw them all over the living room, Number 3 to know where his goggles are, and my parents’ furnace not to break down so my dad can’t come babysit.

So when all of these things don’t happen simultaneously,

well,

I find myself presented with countless opportunities to envision that fucking stop sign.

This morning when things didn’t go as planned starting at 4:58 a.m. when Number 6 and 7 woke up and never went back to sleep,

I had my first stop sign opportunity.

I also had the chance to put into practice what I learned this past week.

To adjust.

To recalibrate.

But I didn’t.

I still expected everything to run according to my ideal plan.

It didn’t.

I was getting more and more angry.

I guess the Wednesday therapy session wasn’t quite enough.

I needed another reminder.

Because when I went to the Y to swim this morning, I saw this quote written on the white board behind the front desk:

Ugh.

Okay, Universe.

No more do as I say and not as I do…

Bit by bit,

I’m chipping away at that 90%.

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