I rarely take my children with me to do grocery shopping.
Usually I’ll go either when I have a babysitter, or at night, after my husband has gotten home.
But yesterday it was unavoidable.
My parents are down in Georgia visiting my brother, so I have no babysitter. And I couldn’t wait until my husband came home because we were out of milk.
We probably could have survived without the milk.
But we were also out of American cheese.
And peanut butter.
Which is pretty much the equivalent of being out of air.
So I bit the bullet and loaded them into the car.
They actually weren’t too bad.
Until we walked past the doughnuts.
Which is next to the deli.
Which is where we needed to get the cheese.
I always go to the deli first, so I can get it over with.
And I wasn’t going to be in the store long enough to order what I needed on the little computer thing they have there at the deli.
Number 4 spotted the doughnuts first.
“Mom! Can we have a doughnut?” she asked.
“No. We’re not getting doughnuts,” I answered.
“I want a doughnut!” said Number 6.
“MOM! WHY CAN’T WE GET A DOUGHNUT???” yelled Number 4.
“I want a doughnut!!!” yelled Number 6.
And then he started crying.
I looked a Number 4, clenched my teeth, and said, squinting,
“Do not say doughnut again.”
“WHY CAN’T I SAY DOUGHNUT? IF I FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS CAN I HAVE A DOUGHNUT?”
I started contemplating giving up American cheese.
And peanut butter.
“We are not getting doughnuts. Don’t ask again.”
“But-”
“DO NOT ASK AGAIN,” I warned her.
We finally got our cheese.
I gave Number 6 a piece, which distracted him from the doughnuts.
A friend was coming over at 10:30, so I didn’t have a lot of time.
We rushed through the aisles and got a couple other necessities.
The whole time, Number 4 trailed behind, muttering things about mean, unfair moms and needing doughnuts under her breath.
I didn’t have the energy to even address her.
Plus, I had handed out about 12 empty threats already.
So I just ignored her.
We got to the checkout.
Number 3 and 4 started to empty the cart onto the conveyor.
The cashier was probably around 65 years old.
“Are you helping your mom out today?” she asked Number 3 and 4.
“Yes,” said Number 4.
“Even though she won’t give me a doughnut.”
Serenity now.
There was a young guy at the end of the conveyor bagging my groceries.
He had about 57 earrings in his ears.
He looked like kind of a bad ass.
Number 4 just sat there staring at him. And his ears.
The cashier asked if the kids could have a lollipop.
I so rarely take the kids to the store with me that I didn’t even know they did that shit there. I thought only the bank had lollipops.
Five years ago, I would have replied with a polite “no thank you.”
Lollipops at 10:15 in the morning? I don’t think so. What kind of a mother would allow that?
But by this point yesterday I wouldn’t have cared if it was 5:30 am. Of course, not giving them doughnuts and then giving them lollipops didn’t really make much sense.
But it was the principle of the whole thing.
And then Number 6 started asking about doughnuts again.
I knew Number 4 couldn’t hold out much longer before she said something embarrassing to the pierced bagger.
“YES!” I blurted out to the cashier.
“Does it matter what colo-”
“NO!” I said, cutting her off.
I was in a race against the Number 4 clock.
She was still staring at the dude’s ear.
“Mom? Why does-”
“LOOK, THE NICE LADY HAS LOLLIPOPS FOR YOU!!! WHO WANTS A LOLLIPOP???”
“I do!”
“I do!”
“Me too!!!”
Phew.
Situation averted.
They all got their lollipops.
Number 4 looked at the bagger.
I held my breath.
“Huh. I guess there are happy endings after all!” she said to him.
He looked at me.
I shrugged my shoulders.
He burst out laughing.
And on that note, we got the hell out of there.
If we run out of anything today, we’re just gonna have to make due.
I can only handle one game of Shop Rite roulette per week.
Hilarious
Back in the day (1974ish) my mother took me to the grocery store. There was a very VERY large African American male shopping. I looked at him and said “hiya Fat Albert” (and waved) She said if looks could kill, she would have been dead……she dumped her cart, grabbed me and left because she was so mortified that I said that to someone.
—-she started grocery shopping by herself after that.
Love your blog. Just started mine. I would love anyone to stop bye. It’s just about every day life. Being a wife, mom, and lots of yummy recipes! THANKS! http://www.happierhappenings.blogspot.com
Oh man this site is like a free comedy club..!
@ Deanna, Love the Fat Albert ref! Kids say the darndest things…..at times even when they’re grown up!
LOL! poor you! you escaped a bullet there.. 😀
I’m new to the blog and still figuring my way around, but I’m enjoying your stories. You have 6 kids? God bless. I only have 2 and that’s enough for me. I never liked taking them to the food store. Not when they were little and not now in their tween years. It’s still, “can I have…” Not to mention I’m constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure I can see where they are. They’ll probably be in their 30s and I’ll still be saying “stay where I can see you!”
When my oldest was 2 1/2 I was at the Shoprite checkout. The cashier was an older Indian women, who had a red dot on her forehead (I don’t know what it is called, but I know it has a religious meaning.) Anyway, my daughter kept on saying, “Lady, booboo, lady, booboo.” The cashier asked, “Oh, what is she trying to say?” I said “Nothing,” swiped my credit card and got the hell out of there.
Im a stay at home dad, so I hope you don’t mind me joining in. I take my three children with me to the shops once a week. Yea some weeks are more difficult but I have found if I put the younger on in the trolly (aged 1) and the other two (4&5) are generally pretty good. First thing I do when I go is tell them they can each get themselves something for $5 we go do this first and I dont rush them, and then they happily walk around with me afterwards.
Once tho the 5year old did run up to a rather largish lady and say you look big just like me granny, but the lady was so sweet she just said “do I but I’m sure your granny is much more prettier” I though that was really lovely of her
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