Twenty book and three drink minimum.

I have not been taking advantage of the public library here in town, for a few reasons.

1) I suck at remembering to return the books on time, and they never end up actually being free.

2) We always misplace at least one book.

3) My kids suck at the library.

But now that I am seriously committed to OGMFFIO (Operation Get My Fucking Finances in Order), I really need to stop with the excuses.

So yesterday, I took Number 4, 6, and 7 to the library.

Number 4 was recovering from strep (but not contagious anymore) and 6 and 7 had no preschool.

It was time to suck it up and go.

We got into the library and Number 6 and 7 went straight for,

the computers.

I redirected them to some books, but before we got to the kids’ section, they saw the red plastic baskets to put books in.

They both immediately grabbed one.

“We don’t need those,” I told them.

“YES WE DO!” they said, in unison.

They were already yelling, and we had been in the library for less than sixty seconds.

I attempted to shush them.

And then I just let them have the fucking baskets.

They ran to opposite sides of the kids’ section, and they both took their forearms and each cleared an entire shelf into their baskets.

Oh. My. God.

I corralled them and put the books back.

They saw a table full of stuffed animals and were momentarily distracted.

Number 7 found a stuffed Hello Kitty.

“MOMMY! CAN I TAKE THIS HOME? I WANT THIS? CAN WE BUY HELLO KITTY?”

I tried, unsuccessfully, to explain to her that the stuffed animals weren’t for sale.

Meanwhile, Number 6 ripped a little, green, felt hat off of a Paddington bear and put it on his head.

“MOMMY! Look at my hat!”

I told him to take it off and put it back.

And he totally ignored me.

I still had to get to the front desk to see how many unpaid fines we had from the last time we had gone to the library.

In August.

I asked Number 4 to read a couple books to 6 and 7 while I found out what the status on our account was.

“MOM-UH! I want to find my own books!”

I told Number 6 and 7 to behave, and I went to talk to one of the librarians.

“Oh,” she said. “One of your cards has…”

She didn’t want to say the words out loud. She just turned the screen so I could see the total.

Fuck.

I asked her if we could have some time to pay off the fine, and she was very nice and told me we could use one of the kid’s cards to check out books.

I went back to check on Number 6 and 7.

Number 7 had found every single tiny little 2 x 2 inch book and had put them in her basket.

You know, those little board books that have a total of like five words in them? The ones you think are so cute and you buy about 50 of them when you have your first kid and then you realize they’re totally pointless because you never ever read them?

Yeah. She had like twenty of them in her fucking basket.

“We are not getting those. We’ll lose all of them by tomorrow,” I told her, and I put them all back.

I found some books I thought she might like and was just about to show them to her when Number 6  started yelling.

“MOMMY! I HAVE TO GO POTTY!”

“I HAVE TO GO POTTY, TOO!” yelled Number 7.

I took them to the bathroom. It’s a one-toilet room with a lock on the door.

I told Number 6 to go in and I would wait outside.

“NO! COME IN WITH ME!” he said, making the I’m going to fucking bawl my brains out face.

“I’ll just wait outside with Number 7,” I told him.

“NO! COME IN WITH ME! I HAVE TO POOP!” he almost cried.

Fuck.

I took Number 7 in with me and locked the door.

“DON’T LOOK AT ME!” screamed Number 6.

I tried to keep Number 7 from looking at Number 6. I succeeded. But then she literally started attempting to rip fixtures out of the wall.

“IT SMELLS IN HERE!” she said.

“STOP LOOKING AT ME!” yelled Number 6.

Kill me now, I thought.

I let Number 7 out of the bathroom.

Five seconds later, there was a knock on the door.

It was Number 4.

“WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG? I WANT TO CHECK MY BOOKS OUT!!!”

I looked at Number 6. “Can you hurry up?” I asked.

“THERE IS ONE MORE POOP STUCK IN THERE!” he almost-cried.

Five minutes later, the stubborn poop was finally released.

Number 4 had gone to the front desk with her card.

“MOM! MY CARD EXPIRED. YOU SAID LIBRARY CARDS DON’T EXPIRE!”

“Where is Number 7?” I asked.

She was nowhere to be found, but some lady came over to me and handed me Number 7’s library card, which she had found lying on the ground.

I found Number 7 under a table and corralled everyone again in the children’s section.

And then Mrs. B, Number 6’s preschool teacher, came over to say hi.

She also works at the library.

“I felt the ground shake and thought it might be you guys,” she said.

Number 6 showed her Paddington’s green, felt hat, which he was still carrying around and randomly wearing.

At the same time, Number 7 realized she had lost her card again.

Mrs. B helped us look for it, and when it was nowhere to be found after a couple minutes of searching, I gave up and decided it was time to go home.

Mrs. B asked Number 6 if he could put Paddington’s hat and also the Hello Kitty she had spotted stashed inside of a footstool back where they belonged.

Number 6 shoved the Hello Kitty through a shelf of books, knocking most of them on the floor.

It was nap time and Number 7 was melting down.

Mrs B cleaned up that mess while I ran and found a book for myself, and then checked out our books. We made it out to the car with only two minor episodes, drove home, and walked inside.

Number 4 ran up to her room to start reading, Number 7 was crying because she wanted that Hello Kitty and Number 6 was smiling.

“Hey Mommy!” he said to me. “Look what I have!”

And he put his hand in his pocket and pulled out…

Paddington’s hat.

I’m not done going to the library.

But before we make our next trip, I’m gonna have to do some strategizing.

Or drinking.

Or maybe a little of both.

 

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