I’ve decided for the next couple months I’m going to do a weekly post focusing on marriage.
Because I’ve said it before, marriage is fucking hard.
And right now, I’m devoting a lot of time to working on my contributions (both positive and negative) to my marriage. And since I write about what’s going on in my life, well, this is a big thing right now.
My marriage has never been perfect.
But with all the shit we’ve gone through in the past couple years, the bankruptcy, the knee replacement surgery, the accident this summer, the cervical fusion surgery, the continued financial bullshit, oh yeah, and then the kids, well, we have been put to the test.
Big time.
And we have gotten to the point where we are basically coexisting.
You know, we are roommates who tolerate each other.
And I feel like I’m at a crossroads.
We are at the point in a relationship where many people would bail.
We have lost sight of our relationship. It isn’t a priority, and that is, well… it’s really not good.
Placing your marriage way down on the list of priorities is just asking for trouble.
Yesterday I mentioned the book I’m reading — Getting the Love You Want. (I’m going to keep mentioning it because at this point I really believe that anyone in a relationship, whether it’s healthy or unhealthy, should read it.)
So like I said, my husband and I have gotten into defense mode. We are almost always prepared for an attack.
It’s not fun, and it’s really tiring. And it’s not what either one of us wants.
And I don’t want to just be able to tolerate each other.
While I realize no marriage is always a fairy tale, I want to be better friends with my husband.
We’re not really friends right now. We do pretty much nothing together.
I want that early, courting feeling back in our relationship. That feeling of excitement. Or at least that feeling of looking forward to spending time with my husband.
So many of you are probably rolling your eyes right now and saying to yourselves, Yeah, right. Good luck with that.
But one of the exercises in GTLYW is called Reromanticizing.
As the book says,
Reromanticizing encourages couples to act as if they were newly in love with each other, giving each other the same tender attention, gifts, and words of endearment that came effortlessley during romatnic love…
This playacting is to go on for weeks.
I know… how the fuck are you supposed to do this if you and your husband have gotten to the point where you can barely stand to be around each other?
Well, the book continues…
Even though many couples begin this exercise with gritted teeth, repetition rewires their nerual connections, allowing them to see each other as lover and friends once again, not as enemy combatants.
Oh my God, yes. That is what we have become. Enemy combatants.
I want romance back in my life.
So I’ve been reading about reromanticizing, and then yesterday I saw this picture posted on Facebook:
The idea is to put one heart on your kids’ doors for every day in February with a reason why you love them written on each heart.
I thought to myself, “What a cute idea! I’m going to do that!”
Then I thought about it some more.
I do a lot for my kids. A whole lot.
I try to do things every day to make them feel special.
I also spend a shitload of time with them. I drive them all over creation. I watch their swim meets and basketball games and concerts and baseball games. I help them with their homework and I read to them and tuck each one of them in each night after singing them a special song and rubbing their backs.
My kids are getting enough attention right now.
But my marriage is not. My marriage has not gotten enough attention for quite some time.
My kids don’t need those hearts.
My marriage does.
So I think this is a great place to start with that reromanticizing.
Each day in February, I’m going to write one reason down why I love my husband and I’m going to give it to him.
If your marriage has fallen way down on the list of priorities, maybe you might want to join me.
I love it and will be doing the same thing!
Can I also suggest The Love Dare. Not sure who the author is. My husband and i were in a really rough place last fall. But i think one thing that really helped us get back on track was that we TRIED to do nice things for each other. Like going out of my way to bring the kids to the field more during harvest, bringing him lunch on weekends or suppers. And then he started doing the same for me, rememberig to sometimes take out the garbage, helping get the kids ready in the morning. Little things. We also set aside time to just be together. Not a whole official date night. 15 minutes of snuggeling in the chair talking about our day. Not saying its a garauntee. But were definitely in a better spot than a few months ago.
Even if you don’t read the whole book, look at the concept and “short version” of Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. Though he’s religious you don’t have to be to appreciate the idea. Which is that we can think of demonstrating love and receiving love as falling into 5 categories – actions, words of affirmation, quality time (inc listening), gifts, and physical touch (not just sex). He posits that couples often do not match on what they each believe is the best way(s) to demonstrate love or to receive it. E.g., one partner might do a lot of chores to be helpful but suck at giving gifts, while the other partner really likes getting gifts and doesn’t see that the extra chores or actions are how the other thinks they are showing their love. He argues that you want to try and do what the other person needs, not what you need or think they should appreciate. Love this book.
Great idea…thank you!
I LOVE your blogs.. I actually looked into this booked after you mentioned it the first time.. I’m not sure if my husband will follow suit and I’m also afraid it’s too hard of a read to follow for me.. I started reading some of the sample book and I wasn’t able to get into it, but I’m feeling desperate.. I feel that we just coexist…. any suggestions? ? Or other words of encouragement to push me?
Love this idea. When I realized I was yelling at my kids so much more than I was celebrating them I started a Wall of Kindness where I write down moments they’re kind to each other or me and then hang it on the wall. Why not do my kids and my husband in February? Time to buy stock in construction paper. Thank you for this post.
Also, there’s a really beautifully written blog called Must Be This Tall to Ride http://mustbethistalltoride.com/ from a divorced dad’s point of view. Could be interesting for you or your husband.
Lastly, date night. Once a week. Even if you buy a pizza and sit in a park and eat it together once a week. If there’s any way you can swing it, it’s worth it. Good luck, and thank you for inspiring the rest of us to try harder.
The most important and best gift you can ever give your kids is a good relationship with their Dad. Best wishes!
Have you read The Five Love Languages? Totally saved my marriage. It talks about how everyone gives and receives love differently. I highly recommend it as a follow up to what you’re reading now.
My husband and I are in a really, really bad place. Our big improvement is that we aren’t actively fighting like we were a few months ago, but I’m sure the Soviets would agree that a Cold War isn’t much progress. Thank you for being honest about how fucking hard your marriage is. Mine kills me some days. I say that relationships are 50/50 and I know I contribute to our problems, but do I believe that? Umm, no. I think it’s all him. And the thought of doing something nice for him after everything I’ve already done! makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I think I want to bail, but, really, I want to be right. I want him to say he’s the asshole and I’m great and that he’ll change and I don’t have to. I have about as much chance of that as winning the Powerball. So, I guess I need to come up with a plan B that doesn’t involve running away to Bermuda. I burn horribly anyway.
My relationship with my husband reminds me a lot of yours, the way you describe it. We have always been rocky. Right now we are in a pretty good place, but that could change, like tomorrow. I know exactly how you feel and I’m looking forward to your weekly blog posts. Think I’ll join you in this pursuit. Even a good relationship can always get better!