Time for a new approach.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on gentle parenting.

Yeah, I know.

Those two words might be making you roll your eyes.

They sound so… I don’t know what the word is… self righteous? Holier than thou? Sanctimonious?

Annoying?

But I need to start doing something differently.

You know I stopped yelling at the kids almost two years ago.

I’ve had a couple slip ups here and there, but 99% of the time I’m yell-free.

So the yelling isn’t a struggle. And I feel better about myself as a mom.

But my kids are still actively trying to kill me.  I’m sure of it.

Some kids more than others.

A year or two ago there was a post floating around Facebook where a parent (I can’t remember if it was a mom or a dad) admitted to having a favorite child.

I don’t feel that way at all. Honestly.

I don’t have a favorite child.

But I do have a least favorite child.

The child who pushes every one of my fucking buttons.

The child who pisses me off within seconds of entering the room.

The child who you can’t wait to drop off at a friend’s house for a play date. The one who you let stay after school for any extracurricular activity just so you have one more hour before they get back and you have to deal with them.

It’s not always the same child.

The LFC rotates on a weekly, or daily or sometimes hourly basis.

Is that shitty of me to admit?

I don’t know. Maybe it is.

But it’s true.

And I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

Whichever kid is the reigning LFC is also the one who I am constantly punishing. Or threatening to punish.

There has to be a better way.

I mean, I’m feel like I’m a walking billboard for the definition of insanity.

I know that kids are going to be tools no matter what.

But I am really having a hard time with my kids doing things that they 100% absolutely know they are not supposed to do.

It’s driving me fucking insane.

One of the kids is really giving me a run for my money right now.

It’s constant.

It’s an as-soon-as-I-turn-my-back-shit-is-going-down situation all day long.

It’s exhausting.

And infuriating.

So like I said, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’ve been doing a lot of reading on gentle discipline. Or positive parenting.

What the hell is gentle parenting?

Just reading it seems wimpy.

Gentle parenting?

My kids need to be beat over the head with threats and warnings and ultimatums in order to get anything done. I can’t be gentle! They’ll walk all over me!

But that’s not what gentle or positive parenting is.

It’s not permissive parenting. It’s not letting your kids do whatever the hell they want whenever the hell they want.

But it’s also not controlling and punitive and authoritarian.

One thing I’m learning the more I read about it is that while some of the things I do with the kids are effective in the long term, I am still employing a lot of short term parenting styles or techniques or whatever you call them.

And that’s why my kids are still not getting it.

That’s why as soon as I turn my back, all bets are off.

I know there are no guarantees and I know at times kids are still going to be douchey no matter what, but I am noticing with some of my kids that there isn’t much discipline.

And by discipline I mean there is no self control. There is no internal I’m not going to do that because it’s just a shitty thing to do meter.

And I am tired of saying, “WHY, AS SOON AS I TURN MY BACK, DO YOU IMMEDIATELY DO SOMETHING YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO DO?”

This happens so often in this house that I should have picked up on it a long time ago.

The fact that I say this every day (often multiple times) is an indication that there is a disconnect with one (or more) of my kids.

I have been a big fan of sticker charts over the years. Teachers use them a lot. I have used them as a parent a lot.

I still like them. But I think I’ve been misusing them.

I mean, I have my own version of a sticker chart in my bullet journal.

I use it to keep myself on track with things like checking my emails and drinking enough water.

The difference is, I think, in who does the rewarding.

I’m rewarding myself with that tracker.

I’m not trying to drink more water or respond to my emails more consistently so someone else will notice and fill in a bubble on a chart for me and tell me how good of a job I’m doing or how great I am.

I’m doing it because there are things I want to change about myself, and it’s a tool for me to help myself stay accountable.

I wonder what would happen if I gave my kids their own habit tracker, or sticker chart, and then I told them that instead of me doing it, they would evaluate and reward their own behavior?

What if I helped to give them the gift of discipline not so that they could try to please me but so that they could please themselves.

That would be a big gift to give them!

Because I think of myself in my twenties.

I spent many, many years looking for attention and validation and approval from men so I could feel good about myself.

And like what I’ve been doing with the kids, it may have worked in the short term.

But it definitely didn’t work in the long term.

I want to give my children the gift of discipline.

Self discipline.

So I’m ready to try something new.

It’s not going to be easy.

Change is never easy.

But neither is what I’m doing now, so I think it’s worth a shot.

 

Please keep voting!