I used to be awesome at doing nothing.
Before I got married and had kids, I would devote at least one weekend day to totally vegging out.
Sweats, the couch, and an MTV Real World marathon.
I miss those days.
I don’t recall having trouble relaxing because I couldn’t turn my mind off.
And now it seems with the addition of each child, the level of anxiety and the amount of crap I worry about has increased exponentially.
If I took a whole weekend day now to do nothing, to recover, I would feel a tremendous amount of guilt.
Even taking just an hour, I feel my brain starting…
You should be doing the laundry.
You should be cleaning the office.
You should be getting a head start on dinner.
You should not be immobile.
And I really noticed this on Tuesday.
When I got my free massage.
For an hour.
From one of my new favorite people.
The Awesome Massage Therapist (AMT).
I walked into her house.
She directed me to the basement.
It was neat.
And clean.
And warm.
And quiet.
Everything that my house is not.
We had some small talk, and then she gave me a couple minutes to strip down and get under the covers on the table.
“You can take everything off or leave your underwear on. Whatever you want. All your parts will be covered,” she said.
And I immediately went from eagerly anticipating to worrying.
Should I take my underwear off or leave them on?
What does everyone else do?
Will she think I’m lame if I leave my underpants on?
Shit…what underpants am I even wearing?
Jesus.
Shut the hell up and get on the fucking table.
So I got on the table.
I tried to remember why I was there.
I started to get excited.
But I was still having to exert energy to shut that stupid voice up in the back of my head.
You should be at the Y.
This is an hour of cardio you are missing.
You should have given this to your husband.
He really needs it more than you…
I told myself to shut up again and enjoy it.
Stay in the moment.
Stay in the moment.
AMT came into the room.
“Just get in your zone,” she said.
So I closed my eyes.
And started to relax.
Until I realized that I hadn’t shaved my legs.
Since October.
Shit.
I haven’t really thought about it at the Y because no one looks too closely.
And I’m not super hairy.
But AMT was going to be up close.
And touching me.
But she did tell me that she did yoga.
So I thought, well, if she does yoga, then she won’t mind a little body hair… I mean people who do yoga are all granola-y and in touch with their bodies, and down-to-earth and accepting.
Right?
Well, if not, she had made it through one leg, and she hadn’t thrown up on me…
To take my mind off the hair on my legs, I started obsessing about what the cellulite on my thighs looked like as she pressed her fingers into me.
Yeah.
This massage was really wiping all my stress away…
I told myself to shut the hell up for the 15th time, and I started to get back into my zone.
Then I really got into my zone.
And I was jolted out of it.
By the sound of…
…my own snoring.
Oh my God.
A nice big snort.
AMT must be watching the clock move in slow motion, waiting to be done rubbing my hairy, cellulite-y, ratty underpants wearing, snoring ass right about now…
I spent the rest of the time trying to stay awake, afraid I’d have another 6th grade Presidential Physical Fitness test episode.
I did have 2 more snoring attacks, but I’m pretty sure I made it through fart-free.
At least I hope I did.
And so that was my hour of “relaxation.”
My body felt great.
Now if I could only find someone who could massage my brain…
Until then, I guess I’ll have to stick with the wine.
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A massage is REALLY good for your body! It is as good as an hour of cardio, so don’t feel guilty. You were doing something great for your body and your mind. It helps to detox and you are supposed to drink more water afterward too. I am jealous – I LOVE massage!
most people leave their underwear on. Most people fall asleep. Its better to have fur than stubble (ouch!). Glad you enjoyed your massage! (which reminds me I should probably make an appt for one)
Oh please! First of all, I’m french Canadian, I don’t shave at all during the winter unless sex is involved. Second, during a relaxation massage, the fact that you fell asleep means I’m doing my job properly. Third, you should be grateful you’re not a guy, they have to worry about falling asleep, snoring AND getting an erection. As far as cardio is concerned, destressing is just as important for your body and your overall health. Massage is not just about pampering, it’s about maintaining your health. You should feel good about taking care of yourself, not guilty. As for the underwear thing, as long as you’re being draped properly, most times we can’t tell if you left them on or not so it really doesn’t matter. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with. Remember, when you get a massage, the hour is all about you. How many times, in the life of a mom, can you say that? Enjoy it when it happens. It was an absolute pleasure meeting you. Keep up the good work, your blog brings a smile to my face every single day.
I <3 Sandra Pinto. She's an awesome massage therapist. And she's real.
YES. To all 3 of those sentences 🙂
You reminded me of the only massage I ever got. It was because my son had broken my tailbone while he was being born, so it was supposed to be a recurring thing so I could heal properly. But I had all those same worries you had and it was so stressful to me that I never went back. I just sat on a butt pillow for six months instead.
When you have children, it’s quite understandable that you over think things. lol. But hey, glad you had your massage, or time for yourself. You deserve it,
Enjoyed this immensely. Love your writing.
Fantastic post Susie!
It’s so true – you really need to prepare for a body massage!
And thanks for reminding me – I need to shave my legs too, only that reading your blog is far more entertaining than shaving!
I think massage therapists are like ob-gyns – the’ve seen it all!
As for brain massage – I use wine as well!
Alinka
Ha! Thanks Alinka. The massage therapist/obgyn comparison is right on. I’ll remember that next time 🙂
Ok, I almost started to cry laughing so hard reading this. Its all true. You are hilarious, thank you for having a blog. You have made my day!
This gave me such a laugh—so relatable! Sometimes relaxation comes with its own set of quirks, but at least your body felt great afterward. As for massaging the brain, maybe a bit of mindfulness or aromatherapy with a calming essential oil blend could help—though wine is always a solid backup plan!