8 a.m. “Mommy! Let’s go! I wanna go! Can we go?”
“I just need to clean up a little and pack up our stuff, and then we can go.”
8 – 9:30 a.m.
Tell kids to eat all their breakfast because we will not be eating something within the first 60 minutes of arrival at the beach.
Clean up kitchen.
Put load laundry in washer.
Fill cooler with lemonade.
Find water bottles.
Wash sand from water bottles that were left sitting in back pack overnight.
Find powder, get change of clothes for five of the kids.
Get sunscreen, beach chairs, extra towels, buckets, shovels, and boogie boards.
Pack snacks, make sandwiches, load beach cart to the point that it’s about to collapse.
9:30 a.m. “Mommy! Let’s go! I wanna go! Can we go?”
9:30 “Yes. Let’s just get sunscreen on before we leave.”
9:30 – 9:45 Apply sunscreen.
Spend the next fifteen minutes alternating between telling the kids to stand still so I’m not spraying sunscreen directly past them onto the porch railing, and yelling at them not to sit on the furniture in the condo.
“MOMMY!!! AAAHHHHH!!! It burns! It’s in my boo boo! I said not to spray it in my boo boo! YOU SPRAYED IT IN MY BOO BOO!!!”
9:45 – 10:00 Deal with burning boo boo sunscreen hysteria.
10:00 – 10:15 Look for lost pair of five-year-old’s flip flops. Don’t find them.
Tell everyone to pee before we leave.
Make five-year-old walk three blocks barefoot to the beach.
10:15 – 10:25 Walk to beach.
10:26 Step foot on beach.
Three kids ditch shoes and sprint to the ocean.
Tell other three kids to stay put. Run down to water and drag three sprinters out. Tell them they need to wait to go into the water.
10:27 Set up umbrellas. Set up beach chairs.
10:30 (Re)Explain rules of the beach to kids who really aren’t listening to me at all.
Take three steps toward ocean.
“Mommy! I’m hungry!”
“And I have to poop.”
“I DON’T WANT TO GO IN THE WATER!”
10:31 Regret not packing illegal substances in the beach cart.
10:32 Head to water with three kids while three other kids sulk under umbrellas in beach chairs.
10:33 Run to get towel to wipe eyes of five-year-old after he takes a direct hit to the face with a rogue wave.
10:35 Sunscreen in 3-year-old’s eyes. Meltdown of the century.
10:45 Break up fight over who gets the fishy boogie board.
10:55 Break up fight over who gets the red shovel.
11:05 Break up fight over who gets the blue water bottle.
11:15 Break up fight over who gets the pink towel.
11:30 – 11:40 Endure crying fit after water bottle gets dropped directly into the sand and becomes “disgusting” and unusable.
11:45 Three and Five-year-old fling Pirate’s Booty into sand.
11:46 – 12:00 Survive Alfred Hitchcockesque attack from a flock of seagulls.
12:10 Almost lose one kid after she drifts 300 yards down the beach on boogie board during attack of the birds.
12:15 Eight-year-old screams in terror and agony out in the ocean while boogie boarding.
Look for blood and signs that all limbs and digits are intact.
Manage to drag her out of the water.
See where she has been stung rather severely by jellyfish.
Tell her this is the one time she can pee down her own legs on the beach and not get in trouble.
12:30 Try to divert everyone’s attention and suggest eating lunch.
12:40 Everyone situated with food and drink.
12:41 Six-year-old drops sandwich in sand.
World’s third largest meltdown ensues.
12:42 Realize that every person on the beach hates me and my family.
12:55 Suggest sand castles.
1:00 Kids actually cooperate until three-year-old destroys everyone’s work.
1:15 Go back to boogie boarding.
1:20 “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I HAVE A RASH ON MY SCROTUM! MY SCROTUUUUUUUUUMMMMM!!!!!”
1:25 Tell everyone it’s time to go.
Watch 10-year-old walk like he has a giant sand toy shoved up his ass.
Stop to douse everyone with powder and de-sand private parts.
Load up cart.
1:40 Start trek back to condo.
One kid crying because it’s hot.
One kid crying because she’s thirsty.
One kid crying because he’s barefoot.
One kid crying because his scrotum is rashy.
One kid crying because her jellyfish stings hurt.
One kid crying because she didn’t want to leave.
One mom crying because she forgot the Xanax.
1:50 Arrive back at condo.
“MOM! THAT WAS SO FUN! CAN WE GO BACK TO THE BEACH TOMORROW???”
I am SO sorry but this had me laughing out loud because I can see this all happening just like you said. Where was their father so he could enjoy the fun too??? HAHAHA …I hope he takes over the kids tonight so you can have a beer or two…
Que lemonade out the nose. That was hilarious, although probably not so funny IRL. Maybe I’ll just stick with the one kid.
Absolutely hilarious! I feel a bit sorry for laughing at what was spectacularly frustrating in real life, so I’ll drink a glass of wine in your honor tonight to apologize!
We have 5 kids, 3 of which are now grown and out of the house. We have been on this exact vacation! It might not be funny now but it’s a great remember when story for the future!! Thanks for the laugh and bringing back memories!
You are helarious !!!!!!! I love it
I do not miss our week at the beach this summer. This is spot on.
Wow. This was GREAT! So hilarious! I love your blog posts! You are definitely an inspiration! Keep it up! 🙂
OMG! What was fun about that? Laughing so hard right now!