Yesterday an old college friend of mine left a comment in response to yesterday’s post, explaining how she had lost track of her son at a soccer game.
Now she’s consumed with tremendous guilt.
I just feel like the worst parent ever, she said.
All I can say is,
you’re not.
And you know why?
Because I’ve been there.
I think we all have.
Sometimes people don’t talk about those experiences for fear of being judged.
For fear of some asshole chiming in with an
I would never let that happen to my child.
So let me make you feel a little bit better.
A couple years ago, Number 3 and 4 were outside playing in the snow.
It was January 2011, when we were blasted with a couple back-to-back blizzards.
I dug out a seriously kick-ass luge track in the back yard. By hand. By myself.
It took me two days.
I made a pretty awesome starting ramp.
That thing kept the kids occupied for weeks.
Now, we live on a very busy road.
We are also on the corner of a side street and that main road.
People pull out of that side road right in front of oncoming traffic all the time.
There are always people honking because they’ve been cut off by someone pulling out of that road without looking carefully.
In addition to that, everyone knows where we live.
And they like to honk when they drive by.
So between the careless drivers pulling out in front of people and all our friends giving a beep as they drive by,
there’s a lot of honking going on around here.
A
lot
of
honking.
So I’ve become sort of immune to it.
Well I had become immune to it.
Until January 2011, when I was inside, upstairs in the office, talking to my mother on the phone, while Number 3 and 4 were outside playing in the snow.
I had told them to stay outside in the back yard.
On the track.
I got distracted with my mom on the phone.
I was talking.
And talking.
And talking.
And then I heard a honk.
I didn’t think anything of it.
A few seconds later,
another honk.
Still, it didn’t really register.
Then someone really just started laying on the horn.
I finally went downstairs to see what was going on.
I opened the front door.
I was still holding the phone up to my ear.
A woman was pulled over in front of my house, her entire upper body hanging out of the passenger door window.
She was screaming at me.
“YOUR KIDS WERE IN THE STREET!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???”
By this time, Number 3 and 4, who knew they were in some seriously deep shit, were already back in the back yard.
The woman drove away, her head shaking.
I ran to the back yard, my whole body shaking.
I dragged Number 3 and 4 into the house.
They fessed up.
Number 3 had dared Number 4 to run across the road.
And she did it.
I didn’t know what to do.
I ripped their boots, and snow pants off of them and sent them upstairs.
I screamed at them.
I hugged them.
I started bawling.
Uncontrollably.
I think that scared the crap out of them more than any seriously pissed mother in her minivan or oncoming car did.
I was a mess.
The what ifs were coming fast and furious.
Just like the cars out on the road in front of our house.
Beating myself up wasn’t going to change anything.
Neither was conjuring up every horrific scenario possible in my head.
I learned a lesson.
So did the kids.
I like to think that it happened for a reason.
It was a warning sign.
I still wonder how often that woman drives by this house, saying to herself, There’s the house where the World’s Shittiest Mom lives.
It’s hard to shake that guilt.
I learned a lesson that day.
I wish it was the only one,
but it wasn’t.
I had another incident a couple days ago.
I didn’t even tell my husband about this one.
I was out by the pool with Number 5 and Number 7.
I was vacuuming the pool.
Number 5 was swimming.
Number 7 had gotten out of the pool and asked me to take her swimmie off.
I did, and then I went back to vacuuming.
Number 7 went to play in the sandbox.
A few minutes later, Number 7 came back and sat down on the steps of the pool. She was playing with some toys.
I didn’t put her swimmie back on.
I was right there vacuuming. She was okay.
I kept vacuuming.
I was on autopilot. Zoned out.
Until I heard crying.
And I saw Number 5 pulling Number 7 out of the pool.
I don’t know if she just decided to jump in, or if one of her toys floated away and she was trying to reach it.
I never saw her.
And her 4-year-old-sister saved her.
I’m a fucking Division One swimmer.
A swim lesson teacher with a really good reputation for teaching kids how to swim.
And my own kid almost drowned in my own pool.
While I was standing 10 feet away from her.
Sorry M.
I’m afraid the title of Worst Mom Ever goes to me.
I could beat myself up over it, but that won’t solve anything.
We get off track with being mindful.
It’s hard.
Sometimes we need reminders.
And sometimes the slap in the face is a little harder than others.
I’ve just found your blog in the past week or so, and I have to say, WOW…you put things into words, and admit to things that we all do!
I’m a 46 yr old mother of 3…none of them too little anymore. 2 high schoolers and one off to college. Oh, and I’ve been teaching kindergarten and 1st grade for 24 years.
The stories I could tell are so incredibly similar to your’s.
Thanks for all you share…it brings back memories (oh how I do miss the days when mine were little)…and reassures me that maybe I wasn’t so bad afterall! LOL And I will say this, which I’m sure you already know…. you do survive, you do get through it all….and you do miss each and every day of it when it’s gone!
Thanks for the post!
Happens to the best of us. We are only human. We make mistakes & we can’t be all things at all times. Thx for your honesty.
Reminds me of the time my family and I left my 8 year old daughter at the church. For an hour. By herself. I thought my parents had her, they thought I had her. By the time we met up, we realized that she was missing. This was pre-cell phone days, and we were visiting my parents out of town. SO there was no way to contact anyone. These things happen. We learn the lessons and move on. And thank God it wasn’t more serious.
I have been following your blog for a few weeks and as a British mum of a 2 year old and a bump, your blog is so refreshing and comforting. This post touched me especially as I remembered an episode when my daughter was just a few months old. I lay her on the bath mat naked ready for her bath. I had forgotten to get the flannel so I stood up and turned to the cupboard to get it. At that exact moment she decided to roll for the first time and I turned just as her arm touched the radiator inlet pipe. I screamed and and snatched her up but her tiny little arm was already burned. I cried for 4 hours, she cried for about 40 seconds. I ran through every scenario of her burning her precious face, scars for life etc. but now nearly 2 years on there is no mark . It doesnt stop making me sick when I tell that story, but sometimes it also reminds you how precious they are and how hard keeping your 15 pairs of eyes and ears focused on them actually is. Whatever you think you have thought of in terms of danger, they will find a new avenue.
Keep up the good work, I love your blog!
Aster x
Thank you so much ..My daughter is 4yrs old and I’m going through a similar situation I gave her cup soup and it spill and burn her legs now she is in bandages ,the same thoughts are going through my mind but seeing this has made me feel so much better.I have been crying nonstop as I feel terrible.Thank you
Wow, I applaud you for your honesty! It’s tough being a mom and keeping your eyes peeled for every possible thing that could happen and go wrong. Keep up the good work!
I had a moment the other day where I found my two year old with a safety pin and an outlet without protected covers on it. I about had heart failure and probably scared the crap out of her. We were in my room, where i was getting ready for the day and she was playing with her books and toys and everything was just like it is every single morning. The only unprotected outlet in the room is underneath the little table where i sit and dry/curl my hair and do my makeup. I left that one open because I use it every day and, in my mind, it’s not over accessible because it’s under the table, which always has my little stool pushed in so she can’t really get under there. The other day though, I had gotten up from whatever I was doing to go into the bathroom and she saw a safety pin that had fallen under there. She crawled under and decided it was the right size and shape to fit in one of the little holes in the outlet. I came in to find her attempting to stick it in. Fortunately 2 year old dexterity leaves much to be desired and as soon as I screamed, she of course, stopped and started crying.
It all happens so fast, and right under your nose. I didn’t tell my husband either because, nothing ended up happening and I don’t need the lecture. I really don’t need someone else berating me because I do a much better job of it myself and will continue to do so for quite some time.
I took my kids to work one time didn’t have a babysitter or anybody to care for them that day. I have a 9 yr old and a 5 year old. I left them 15 minutes with three of my coworkers while I spoke to my boss in her office I was being (promoted). When I came back my kids were fine. But my 5 yr old had to go to the bathroom and my lady coworker took her. I just felt so horrible I wasn’t there during that time. My 5 yr old is fine. But I can’t stop feeling so guilty and living in the what if world..I feel like the worst mother of all time. I’m in a depression due to this. I quit my job and decided to be a stay home mom.
Oh and I knew my coworkers well specially this one. My kids knew her too. We even helped her fix her car once or twice.
I was so lonely in a new town and licking my wounds about not finishing my degree and not having what i wanted out of life. I decided to make some new friends and branch out a few summers ago and take my three kids to a birthday party i didn’t realize was a swim party. I was exhausted and really not in a great mental state to be there bit i pushed myself to be social anyway at the sake of my kids. I forgot swim gear. I had an eight month old, a two year old and a six year old at the time. My two boys were begging to swim and i relented out of guilt. I spent an hour meeting new friends and indulged in new chit chat and that’s when i heard ” Doug’s at the bottom of the pool!!!” Before i could move, baby in arms, my barely friend Tammy dove in and pulled my two year old out. He was blue head to toe. I handed my baby girl off to a stranger and began breaths while Tammy preformed cheesy compressions. He was dead initially. It took ten minutes to revive him. 12 for the ems to arrive. 5 days in the PICU not knowing if he would live our die. He walked out, a miracle on day five. I still don’t know how to forgive myself out atone for what happened. I’m not looking for sympathy. My heart goes out to any of you who have had to endure anything close to this. I’m sorry. I thought i would lose my mind.
Emily, thank you so much for sharing this. That is very brave of you. I can only imagine how this continues to affect you. What I DO know is that I 100% understand how this could happen. It doesn’t mean you are a bad mom or an incompetent mom. You are human, and sometimes being distracted for just a couple seconds is enough of a window. I totally get it. That is a miraculous story. So glad your son is okay. You are one strong lady.
Oh man where to start! My baby cries in the middle of the night or half way through a nap (not often) and I completely freak out and instead of rushing in to help and make him feel better… I start but then I get agitated! I then yell and get mad… it’s like I just want quiet time so bad to myself that when it doesn’t happen I freak. Not sure why this happens every time… what is wrong with me! Worst mother ever! Sometimes I think he needs to be taken away from me because I’m screwing him up!
Also I should add I have zero help. My husband is better than some but he’s got his issues… so literally I don’t get help or have any babysitters… nothing. It’s me and the baby 24/7 unless I leave him when he’s sleeping and go out by myself.
Also everyone always gives unsolicited advice and I according to everyone I’m a lazy piece of crap mother who does nothing… never do I get a good job or anything and my husband doesn’t even give me niceties either… he couldn’t even get me a card or a footprint for my first Mother’s Day… he overlooked it.
I don’t know I just feel like a fail everyday at momma life and I loose my temper way to much and it’s just not going great… frick I would be pumping and he would wake up screaming and I needed to continue pumping so he would scream! Ugh the amount of mom guilt is eating me up alive and I can’t control it!
I needed to see this. I need this post so badly. Today, my 1- year old and I were at the park and I brought him to the car and I accidentally locked him and the keys in the car, had to call 911, and couldn’t do anything but wait for 30 minutes for the locksmith to come. I should’ve just broken the window, man. I have been bawling my eyes out every time I think about it but this post helped me realize we all make mistakes and learn from them. I’m going to learn from this mistake. Thank you.