There’s no substitute for a good substitute

Our school district pays substitute teachers almost nothing.

To start anyway.

Maybe if you survive a certain number of days then the pay eventually increases.  But I think $65 or $70 a day is insulting.

So it’s no wonder some of the subs are complete morons.

Okay, maybe it’s just one.  But still.

There needs to be some sort of substitute teacher screening process put into effect, because possessing a bachelor’s degree is apparently NOT an indication of any sign of intelligence.

And the fact that you haven’t been arrested for murder doesn’t automatically qualify you to spend a whole day with children.

Well, not my children anyway.

So I’ve put together a quick screening tool that my school district can use.  It may be a little rough, but it’s better than what they use now.

Which is obviously nothing.

So here it is.  3 simple questions.

Answer correctly, and you can spend the day with my kid.  Answer incorrectly, and, well, smell ya later.

Scenario 1

You are subbing in a 7th grade classroom.  Last night you watched the Deer Hunter. 

Do you:

a)  spend the entire class period talking about your traumatic experiences in the military, referencing the great movie you saw last night?

or

b) stick to the teacher’s plans and keep your Vietnam War stories to yourself because only a fucking idiot would talk about that shit with kids?

Scenario 2

You are subbing in a first grade classroom.  Last night, there was a story on the news about a woman who had her face ripped off by a crazed chimpanzee.

Do you:

a) spend a good portion of the day talking about how chimpanzees are dangerous and aggressive monsters who will rip your face off?

or

b) stick to the teacher’s plans and keep your psycho, disfiguring chimpanzee horror stories to yourself because only a fucking idiot would talk about that shit with kids?

Scenario 3

You are in a first grade classroom.  The subject matter is healthy habits.

Do you:

a)  tell the children how you almost died and now have a body part from an animal inside your body?

or

b) eat a carrot stick and model healthy behavior, keeping your near-death experiences to yourself because only a fucking idiot would talk about that shit with kids?

Scoring your test

If you answered all b’s, then congratulations.  You may spend the day being abused by my and other peoples’ children while hardly being paid for it.

If you answered all, mostly or any a’s, then please leave the building.  While you’re at it, why don’t you also leave town.

You might want to head to Washington D.C.  I hear they are accepting applications there, and you are over 35…

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