I spend a lot of time at Costco.
It’s where I buy about 90% of my groceries.
It’s where I can get a big ass ice cream for my kids for a super low price.
It’s where I can order a pizza that’s delicious and fairly inexpensive and ready to eat when I’m done shopping.
I love it there.
Unfortunately, I don’t love most of the people who shop there because the majority of them seem to be lacking in common sense, etiquette, and really any moral conscience whatsoever.
So I’ve come up with some guidelines for the clueless majority who belong to Costco, hoping to make life easier for the ten percenters who don’t have their heads rammed completely up their own behinds.
I present to you,
The Ten Commandments of Costco
1) Have your fucking card ready at the door.
2) If you don’t have your fucking card ready at the door, pull your fucking cart over to the side and get the fuck out of everyone’s way.
3) When you enter the refrigerated areas, do not leave your fucking cart in the doorway and block the whole fucking entrance.
4) When you approach the free samples, be aware of the people around you. If you see a mom with 2 young children and there are only 3 samples left, Don’t be a dick. Let the little kids have them first. Especially if it’s the torta rolls. Kids love those things.
5) When you see a mom with more than three children, actually, more than two children, actually, screw that. When you see a mom with any children shopping in Costco on the weekend, smile at her. She’s performing miracles.
6) If you are the person checking receipts at the exit and there is more than one child in a cart, DO NOT PUT ONLY ONE SMILEY FACE ON THE BACK OF THE RECEIPT. Instead, split the receipt in half and put two (or three or however many are needed) smiley faces on it.
7) When you are walking back to your car with your cart, do not walk in the middle of the road at a snail’s pace. Don’t be an asshole. Move over to the side.
8) RETURN YOUR FUCKING CARTS.
9) When exiting the parking lot, stop and let the person who has been waiting for more than 60 seconds to back out of a space.
10) When someone waits and lets you back out of the parking spot you’ve been stuck in for the last 3 minutes, don’t be an asshole. Smile. Wave. And say thank you.
Whoever obeys these commandments and teaches them, shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
The rest of you?
Well, you are all subject to an eternity in the fires of Costco hell.
Also known as… the parking lot.
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Hahaha these are amazing. Spot on.
These are too funny & true! 🙂 Such cute kiddies!
This is satirical, right? There really isn’t an expectation for everyone who has no connection to your kids to cater to your kids, right? Lol, Mom at Costco is a miracle. Yeah, this has got to be satirical.
You have clearly had a few unpleasant encounters at Costco!! 🙂 I know what you mean, I really do. It’s almost like a trip to Wal Mart, without the nudity. People always seem to be in a rush. Slow down and smell the samples, people! Really! I am like you, I have five kiddos in tow when I grocery shop. It’s already a nightmare before we even walk through the doors. 😉
Love these rules!
Love these! I took my 2 daughters to Costco one day by myself and my husband thought I had worked magic!
I love these rules. I work at Costco and it can really be a great place. I would add that if the line at the register is busy and you can see the employee frantically loading the cart down the way, please, please, start to unload your own cart. The employees try to both unload and load the cart, but we are technically only required and sometimes only able to load and not help unload onto the belt. It really stresses me out when I am filling someone’s cart and I can see a full cart at waiting to be unloaded. The cashiers are timed and have to keep a certain item per minute ratio. Waiting for me to unload the cart not only slows down their time, but it slows down the line as well.
Also, I have worked the door before checking receipts many times, but it is not technically my department so I may just not know, but I have never been given cards to keep in my pocket. We usually only have the re kept as a way to draw the smiley face. You can always ask at the register for some extra receipt paper for at the door.
Okay, all of these are absolutely SPOT ON! But #2 and #7 make my blood boil. #7 seems to be the thing to do at Whole Foods too. I freaking hate the idiots that shop there, and only go there for the bread that my husband thinks he NEEDS in order to get through the day. There was a husband and wife at Costco the other day who stopped at the door to try to find their card blocking the entire entrance, standing side by side. Can it get worse? Yes, they were in the middle of a story with one another. THEN..they turn around and see me with my son and proceed to tell me how adorable he is. I rarely pass up an opportunity to talk about how cute my kid is but this was one of those times I wanted to tell them to move the f*** along!
Very funny article! I Love your frankness and humor. I will def come back for a daily laugh. XO