The Stay-At-Home-Mom Challenge.

If you are a stay-at-home mom of children under the age of 5,

then you get it.

You know how hard it is.

Being home all day.

Trying to keep your cool.

Trying not to lose your patience.

Seeing your toilet overflow  just as you put the last dish in the dishwasher.

Struggling to find a balance between taking care of all the shit that needs to be done in your house and spending some quality time with your kids.

If you wrote a blog,

and someone left a comment like this:

I think all you mommy’s need to get jobs instead of letting your husbands provide for you and wasting your day on blogs! Maybe you should all spend some of your blog time in the gym being I’m sure your a frumpy beat up rag that wishes a man would look in her direction, spend more time bettering yourself and your own life …

it might really annoy you.

But this guy clearly doesn’t regularly, or ever, read the blog.

And his ignorant comment doesn’t  bother me.

But I know there are some halfway intelligent people out there who feel the same way.

So let me offer you non-stay-at-home people a challenge.

We can pick any job.

Let’s go with some sort of high powered, white collar, businessperson kind of job.

And we’ll say your name is “Chuk” (which may or may not be the name of someone who left me a ridiculous comment on the blog).

Here are the parameters of the challenge:

• You have 3 main employees. We’ll call them Number 5, 6, and 7.
• You cannot fire them.
• They must remain in the building with you at all times.
• You cannot curse.

And you have 3 tasks to complete:

1. make a 5 minute phone call
2. type, print out, and present a document to a group of 5 people while your employees remain in the room with you.
3. keep your office, the bathroom, and one of the meeting rooms in your building neat and clean for the duration of the day.

You start off the day energized and feeling optimistic.

You set up your employees in the meeting room with a simple task to complete.

When you leave the room they are quiet and cooperative.

You walk across the hall into your office, sit down at your desk, open up a new document, are about to strike the first key,

and you hear,

“CHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at what Number 7 did!”

You go back across the hall.

You see this:

Ugh.

Your meeting is in 1 hour.

You clean up Number 7,

move the markers out of reach,

get your employees back on track,

and go back across the hall.

You are 3 sentences into your document,

when again,

you hear,

“CCCCCHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKK!!!!

She did it again!!!!”

You go back to the meeting room and see this:

Shit.

You forgot about the plants.

You remove those, and any other writing implements you left behind the last time.

You turn on the tv and tell your employees to watch a show and be quiet.

You go back to your office.

You manage to type your entire document.

You even get to print it out.

It’s been 15 minutes, and you still haven’t been interrupted.

You take advantage of the situation, and you reply to a couple emails.

It’s still quiet across the hall.

You have to pee, so you tiptoe to the bathroom.

You have to pass the meeting room on your way.

When you do, you peek in, and you see this:

Fuck.

Remember, you can’t swear (out loud).

And be careful of what you say to your employees.

Screaming something at them out of anger and frustration may scar them for life.

Choose your words carefully.

You take a deep breath and try to maintain your composure, but your presentation is in 10 minutes.

You throw your employees into your office.

You lock the door to the meeting room.

You’ll do the presentation in a different room.

You clean up your employees, move them into room#2,  and sit them as far away from each other as possible.

You left your document in your office and you run to get it.

When you come back, you see employee Number 7 decided to doll herself up.

Oh well.

She’ll have to go through the meeting looking like a total tramp.

You don’t have time to wash it off.

You make it through the meeting,

although the whole time,

Number 7 is trying to pull your skirt off,

Number 5 is crying hysterically because her nail polish is messed up on one finger,

and Number 6 is repeatedly telling you that you are the

“Worst Boss Evah!”

You need a break.

You still haven’t peed, and the first meeting room you put your employees in is still trashed.

You also still have to make that phone call.

And now you also have to take a dump.

You tell your employees they can play on the computer for a couple minutes.

“Where are you going?” they all ask.

You try to deflect the question.

“You guys play on the computer. I’ll be right back,” you tell them.

You get to the bathroom, shut the door, sit on the toilet, and exhale.

Knock… Knock… Knock. KNOCKKNOCKNOCKKNOCKNOCKKNOCKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!

“Chuk? Chuk?CCCCHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Can I come in? Chukie? What are you doing in there???”

Screw it.

You let your employees in the bathroom while you take a crap.

When you are done, you put them back in your office. You tell them if they do what they are supposed to do while you make a phone call, you will give them a bonus.

You dial the number and walk into the hallway.

“Chuk? Chuk? Chuk? Chuk?CHHHHUUUUUUUKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chuck! Who are you talking to?

Is that Bob?

Is it Mike?

Is it Jane?

I want to say hi!

Can I say hi?

CHUCK. I. WANT. TO. SAY. HI. TO. JOHN!!

CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!!”

Remember.

No swearing.

No scarring-for-life-screamfests.

Oh yeah.

No empty threats either.

“I’m so sorry. Can you hold on for one second?” you say to the person on the other end of the line.

You put the phone down.

You grab your employees by the arms, drag them into your office, through clenched teeth threaten them with the longest, most tedious job assignment ever, and close the door behind you.

You are confident you have scared the crap out of them.

You finish your phone call. You head back to the office where you are sure you will see your employees obediently waiting for you.

And you see this:

Don’t worry.

It’s almost 10:00.

You only have 10 hours to go until you get to go home.

I mean, unless you are a stay-at-home-mom.

 

 

 VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!!!