The Phrase I Hope My Sons Never Say

I don’t know who came up with the phrase Happy wife, happy life, but I have spent pretty much my whole marriage waiting for my husband to realize that it’s the Golden Rule.

And he’s still not buying it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.

If the tables were turned, if my husband was operating under the belief that my life would be much easier if I just did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, um…

I’d tell him to go fuck himself.

Expecting my husband to do whatever I decide is the best thing at the moment is not a very nice thing for me to do.

But the very existence of that phrase, happy wife, happy life has been justification for me that it’s an okay way to operate. I mean, if that is a well established and well known phrase, then there must be millions of women who do the same thing.

So it’s okay, right?

No. It’s really not.

I think it can be hard for women to not feel the need to be in charge of things, of the things that go on at home or have to do with the kids. The day-to-day things.

At least it’s hard for me.

I am pretty much always sure that my way is the best way when it comes to what goes on with the kids or at home.

Sometimes it might be. My way might be the quickest or the neatest or the cheapest or whatever.

But maybe it’s not.

Or maybe sometimes it doesn’t matter.

I think that’s where we women sometimes make mountains out of molehills.

As a teacher I know that we try to teach kids there are multiple ways to solve problems.

But at home there is one way, really.

My way.

I know I’m not alone.

I used to hear this song on the kids’ radio station — If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.

Again, if there’s a song about it, I know I’m not the only one in the world doing it. So I’ve told myself it’s okay.

It’s not that we are naturally bitchy. And it’s not even that we are thinking only about ourselves. It’s the opposite, I think.

There is an unbelievable amount of logistical planning that goes into running a house and getting kids to all the places they need to be and keeping things organized. Or as organized as possible, anyway.

Moms don’t always do this to be control freaks or because we are thinking only about what will make things easier for us.

We are often thinking about longer term issues. How can we set things up today so that the weekend will run more smoothly. Or we are thinking that the way we have scheduled things will make life easier for the rest of the family.

And we spend a tremendous amount of time and energy making sure that everything runs as smoothly as possible at all hours of the day for all members of our family.

The problem is that kids don’t think this way.

And neither do men, oftentimes.

That’s not a criticism. And I can’t say it’s a scientific fact. But I think it’s usually the case.

Children and men tend to think more short term when it comes to a lot of the day to day issues.

I think we can learn a couple things from this.

One, I think we moms might have more luck communicating to our husbands why we feel so strongly about the manner or order in which things are done at home if we changed our strategy.

Imagine if, instead of rolling our eyes and sighing heavily when our husbands went to the store for us and mistakenly bought iceberg lettuce and not romaine lettuce, we let them know we really appreciated them taking one thing off of our list of things to do?

And then, what if we just made a mental note to specify what type of lettuce we wanted next time?

Or better yet, what if we just happily used the iceberg lettuce? It’s fucking lettuce! Does it really matter?

I bet if my husband sent me to Home Depot to get a box of nails and I got the wrong kind, he wouldn’t roll his eyes and do his best to make me feel like an idiot.

He’d probably just try to use the ones I got if he could.

We moms often get so angry when our husbands don’t help us out around the house or help to do something with the kids because the last ten times they did help and didn’t do it exactly to our specifications, we tore them a new one.

So they don’t want to help anymore. And they don’t offer to.

Then we are resentful because we have to do everything ourselves.

But we kind of created that situation in the first place.

I am going to remember this the next time I feel an eye roll or heavy sigh coming on.

That second thing we can learn from our husbands (and our kids)?

We women could use a dose of spontaneity. Especially moms with two or more kids who are deep in the logistical phase of parenting. We are so focused on scheduling practice times and game times and doctor’s appointments and music lessons and girl scouts and play dates that there is no room for anything spontaneous anymore.

If it’s not scheduled, it’s not allowed. And if it’s not scheduled by us, well, then forget it.

And I think one of the reasons we get into this mindset that we have to be in charge of everything is that when we aren’t, something gets messed up. Or it’s not done perfectly.

And we make that into a this is the end of the world type of situation.

We can’t get out the door without the kids having matching socks and gloves and outfits and perfectly done hair. We spend so much time on all these details that really don’t matter, and that are really only noticed by other judgmental moms.

In the meantime, our husbands will just throw whatever they find within reach on the kids to make sure they are dressed and get out the door.

While we are stressing over coordinating articles of clothing or hairstyles, our husbands have already been at the playground with the kids for fifteen minutes.

We ladies get so worked up on perfecting all the details that we often miss out on all the fun.

Then we are all bitchy and resentful again, and nobody is really happy. Not even the wives.

There really isn’t much happiness in a happy wife, happy life marriage.

My husband deserves better than that.

And my sons deserve better treatment than that. I don’t want to teach them to just do whatever the hell their wives decide is best. No matter what.

I want them to have a voice.

And I guess I should start by allowing my husband to have one.

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