“How many kids do you have?”
What exactly do you mean when you ask this question?
How many kids do you have… to take care of?
How many kids do you have… living in your home?
How many kids do you have… to worry about?
How many kids do you have…to give your love and attention to?
Or do you just want to know how many children I have…produced from my own body?
Because those answers are not the same.
I have given birth to 5 children.
But I have 7 children to take care of.
7 children in my care and control.
When people ask me how many kids I have, I tell them 7.
Because that is the truth.
But very often when I say that, people say,
“Are they all yours?”
Well what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Does it really matter?
And how, exactly, do you think that question is going to make me feel?
Yes.
They are all mine.
Mine to take care of.
Mine to help with homework.
Mine to love.
Mine to worry about.
Mine to drive all over creation.
Mine to teach responsibility.
And integrity.
And perseverance.
And honesty.
But for some reason, lots of people feel the need to qualify that.
To make sure they point out that all seven children aren’t actually mine.
So the answer…how exactly does that question make me feel?
Like I have to defend myself.
Like I want to punch you.
It really fucking pisses me off.
What about you dog owners?
I’d wager with 100% certainty that you did not squeeze that yellow lab out of your vajayjay.
But it’s yours.
Or is it?
Maybe I should make you explain yourself.
Maybe I should point out that that dog isn’t really yours.
You know.
Really try to make you feel like shit.
Because you didn’t cook that sucker up in your uterus for nine months and spend 10 or 24 or 36 hours in labor before Fido finally entered the world.
Yeah.
So that dog isn’t really yours.
I mean, even though you feed him.
Take him to the doctor.
Spend quality time with him.
Love the crap out of him.
Worry about him.
Teach him to be loyal.
And obedient.
Nope.
Not yours.
About a year ago at Number 4’s dance recital, I ran into a family in town who also has 7 kids.
I ended up talking to the mom.
Now, I didn’t ask her if the children she had with her were all hers.
But she asked me.
So I had to explain myself and qualify Number 1 and 2 as my stepsons.
“Oh. You have a blended family,” she condescended.
Oh. Okay. I guess her family is more valid than mine.
Clearly, she is a much better mother.
Because seven of the children standing there with her came out of her body.
And two of the children standing there with me, well,
they don’t count.
Sorry guys.
You’ll have to go stand over there.
Because, you know, you’re not mine.
I was overcome with the intense need to say that Number 1 and 2’s mom spends very little time with them.
That they go to school here, not where she lives, 45 minutes away.
That they get on and off the bus at my house.
I wanted to mention alcoholism.
And lots of other shitty and unthinkable things she would never, in her wildest dreams, imagine a mother could possibly ever do.
But I didn’t.
I kept my mouth shut.
Apparently her unblended family of 7 is way more impressive than mine.
Way more real than mine.
And she and her husband are clearly more extraordinary than my husband and me.
I didn’t realize I was in a competition.
Whatever.
You know what lady?
My 5 or 7 kids are waaaaaay-aaaay-aaaaaay cuter than yours.
I thought about pointing that out.
But I kept that to myself too.
This weekend Number 3 came to my husband and me.
He was upset.
And confused.
Because he let us know that more than one of his teachers has made a point to tell him that his brothers aren’t really his brothers.
“They are your step-brothers,” he was told.
“Dad, are Number 1 and Number 2 really my brothers? Aren’t they really my brothers?”
Oooooooooooh.
My husband was livid.
And so was I.
First of all, his teachers are wrong.
But more importantly, what the hell does it matter?
And why would you say that to a kid?
Is how a child came to be with you what determines whether or not they are yours?
After all, being pregnant is not the hard part.
Pushing that kid out for a few hours isn’t the hard part either.
The hard part is once they are on the other side.
Knowing that every single decision you make is affecting the future and the emotional well-being of that child.
Whether he came from your body, or your country, for that matter, a child living in your home is yours.
Yours to raise, teach, and love.
So my (unsolicited) advice?
Don’t ever ask that question.
Don’t discredit the work a mom or dad does.
Whatever form that work takes.
Don’t put her or him on the defensive.
And diminish the years of blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain. Laughter. Stress. Joy.
If they feel there is a need to make a distinction between different children in their family, let them do it.
Otherwise, a simple,
“Wow! You have your hands full!”
or
“How lucky you are to have such a big family!”
will suffice.
And if neither of those sentences seem like something you would be willing to say, well,
then,
keep your mouth shut.
Because people come in all shapes.
And colors.
And sizes.
And so do families, Everyone.
So. Do. Families.
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I am so glad you wrote this post! I just gave birth to my first daughter five months ago, and people are always asking me if she’s my only child. Weeeeeeeell, that’s a complicated question, because I am raising another child, but most people don’t consider him “mine” because he is “just” my cousin. And why am I raising him, instead of his “real” parents? Let’s just say that they have similar issues to your Numbers 1 & 2’s bio mother, and leave it at that. So when you look at me askance for having a newborn and a 10th grader, when I am only 32 (and I look about 18 – I love watching people try to do the math!), maybe it’s time to realize that family is about love and devotion and, let’s face it, sometimes just the hours of drudgery it takes to care for a child full-time. It isn’t just about biology. So thank you, Susie!
No comment necessary, you have said it all and I applaud you for your post.
I absolutely agree that the hard part of being a mom starts after childbirth. But I did want to say, particularly since you work out a ton and have done triathlons and such, that if I were to ask something like, it would meant as a compliment. For example, we all know that being pregnant can stretch out and distort our bodies and they will never be the same again, so if I see a mom who is really fit and in great shape… It is kind of giving them props like, “Damn! You gave birth to ___# babies and you look like that?!?! And your youngest is only one year !?!?” And then I may want to cry because you are in so much better shape then me and my 2 kids are in middle school. So in your head you can think of it that way. They are amazed you look so good! And they ABSOLUTELY are all yours!
You, yet again, have said my thoughts. I get this a lot because my husband’s 3 oldest aren’t “mine”. Try telling them that at dinner time. Sorry guys, I don’t think I’ll feed you today cause you’re not really mine. Hate when people qualify my family.
Thank you for this post!
I’ve been following you FB page because I’m pregnant with my first and it makes me laugh at what’s coming to me 🙂 but today you made me think of all the times I’ve had to explain to people how come I have 7 brothers and sisters and how many times I’ve had to explain which ones are half-siblings, step-siblings or “real” siblings. I hate that. When I tell people I have that many siblings and they know only my mom or dad they all act confused and inevitably ask and ask and ask.
And it gets worse, now that my siblings are having kids people also expect me to explain which ones are my “real” nephews and nieces and which ones are not. Again, I absolutely hate that. They all are real, they all are mine!
So, thanks to you, from now on I’ll bite anyone who tries to force me into categorizing my siblings or nephews or nieces, because they’re all mine and I love them all. Thanks!
People are stupid and you dont need to explain yourself (or the situation) to them. Actually turning a rude question around on them is actually a better response than trying to explain it. “I dont know, are those all YOUR children?” and then an eyeroll or a “why?…do you think they might be……yours?” with a deer in a headlight look…..or a snarky “no, I got them at the KidMart on Saturday…wtf kind of question is that?” (Im an asshole and I like #3 the best)…..
I can’t believe the teacher would do that! Sheesh.
My husband and I are in the process of adopting. I have a chronic medical condition that doesn’t keep me from having children biologically, but it’s not recommended due to the effects it could have on my health during and after pregnancy. So we chose to adopt instead of have children biologically. We don’t have our child yet. We’re currently waiting for her to be placed into our home…however, you wouldn’t believe the things that people say that are so incredibly rude and hurtful. I realize at times they aren’t even thinking when they say some of it, but there are some things that you should just shut your yapper about when you’re around someone who doesn’t have kids, can’t have them biologically, and desperately wants them. Giving birth to a child doesn’t make you a Mom, just as fertilizing an egg doesn’t make you a Dad.
I’m sure that I’ll be asked similar questions about our daughter (and any future children we may be blessed by God to call our own), and I hope that I can muster up the strength to be polite when answering them. But I also hope that I can be honest enough with them about how their words can be hurtful…and as much as I don’t want them hurting me, I worry 5,000 times more about them hurting my child(ren).
Please let me know how you handled the teacher situation…I’ll place the response in my back pocket for readily available future reference. ;0)
Good job! This post just makes you realize how insensitive people can be. I have two children that were born 12 years apart. People constantly ask if they have the same father! When I tell them ‘yes’, they want to know why we waited so long to have the second one. How do you answer that?? ‘Well, you nosey bitch, we only like to have sex once every 12 years, sooooo… I mean really!! Like I want to stand outside Target and tell a complete stranger about my sex life/infertility/weight issues. We aren’t friends and I will probably never see you again, but as long and you know all about my history and my issues, then whew…I can go on with my day!!
You keep on being proud of your SEVEN kids! The next time some nosey bitch asks if they are ALL your kids, you tell her ‘Nah, I just like to pick up strays’.
I think that may be my favorite response so far. I’m totally going to use that.Thank you 😉
I love this blog entry!!!! You brought tears to my eyes! You are a great mom and all seven of YOUR children are lucky to have you!
Thank you Lori. It means a lot, and I really appreciate the kind words 🙂
What a great post! I wish everyone felt this way. My “stepmom” married my father when I was 8, 20-plus years ago. She was there when my son was born, and i considered her famoy as my own. My dad recently passed away, and she dropped me and my son and husband like a hot potato a month later. I had always thought her “family”, and now realize I was baggage that came with my dad that she didn’t want. The worst part is she’s still in touch my brother. Guess she considers him “hers”. It’s great that you stepped up and love your “found” sons so well. You give “stepmoms” everywhere a good name.