The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. ~ Mark Twain

I didn’t sit down at the computer yesterday with the intention of, you know…

…coming out.

It just kind of happened.

And immediately after I pressed the “publish” button, I had a full-blown anxiety attack.

What the hell did I just do?

What if my kids’ teachers read this?

What about the people I teach swim lessons to?

Will I ever see them again?

I thought about deleting it…

It wasn’t too late.

So I left the house before I wimped out, and I went to Costco.

But then every time someone looked at me I panicked.

Why are they looking at me?

Did she read the blog?

Did he read the blog?

They all know!!!

I’m fucked!

I was afraid to check the facebook page.  I was sure I had been unliked  by, well,  everyone.

I came home and checked the blog.

With one eye closed, and squinting though the other.

And someone had written this:

Susie, you have always been funny, but you also have always been HONEST – this blog is absolute proof of that!
Good for you to share this!
I think you have helped many, many people today. Great job, wonderful courage!

Holy Shit.

I checked the facebook page and someone wrote this:

Most intelligent response to this tragedy I’ve read so far. So many people say “get rid of the guns” when the bigger issue is “get people help so they don’t feel the need to do harm with those guns.” But as long as there’s such a stigma attached to mental illness, people will continue to suffer in silence with their illnesses. Thank you for taking a step in breaking that cycle. As a fellow sufferer of MDD, I applaud you and stand beside you. God bless the memories of those taken from us on Friday, and also that of your baby brother.

Wow.

A friend from high school wrote this:

Proud of you Susie.  So glad I clicked on your link to read this.  You have guts, no surprise to me.  I won’t run to the hills; I will always be your friend.

Whoa.

Last night I still hadn’t heard from a couple friends in town.

So the coast was not totally clear… I started to panic again.

But then I got this text:

Just read today’s blog. You continue to inspire in so many ways.  God bless you for your honesty and transparency.  You’ve got guts and I love that about you.

Wow.

Again.

There were so many more comments.

So much more encouragement.

All positive.

If I haven’t gotten back to you yet, I will.

Writing that, acknowledging that, was one of the best things I ever did.

It was uplifting.

And liberating.

And eye-opening.

And I’m so glad I did it.

Because someone else wrote this:

I would love to talk to you about BPD.  I have always thought that I was just on the border of having a personality disorder.

The one thing that I have learned is that you CANNOT be open about your situation, because of the differing acceptance levels of the people who know.  I have shared with people who then began to treat me differently, simply because they knew that I had a “problem”. I have had so many isssues with work and other people that I feel like I am not even worth bothering with. I have had 20 years of treatment and medication, but I still do not feel “right” and I don’t see being able to talk about it without fear in my lifetime.

No one should feel like that.

And to the person who wrote that, if you are reading this today, there may be a bunch of judgemental assholes out there, but there are also plenty of kind, supportive, understanding people.

If you don’t cross paths with them, well, you still have me.

Now I’m not gonna turn this blog into some serious, preachy platform.

But I do feel like I have found a cause, and a(nother) purpose.

Because there was this one additional comment on the blog when I woke up this morning:

I have never read your blog but I am a mental health professional and what you said is powerful.

Holy Cow.

Now I kind of feel like I have an obligation to do something.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do yet.

But I’m going to do something.

Until I figure that out, I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a laugh.

Not just one.

A whole shitload of them.

 

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