The 2019 Dad Challenge

I have a challenge for all you fathers.

Completing this challenge is the Christmas gift your wife has been waiting for since the two of you had children. It is one of the things she wants most. It is one of the things that she has dreamed about since she first had to get the kids ready to go on any outing that would last longer than sixty minutes.

ARE YOU UP FOR THE CHALLENGE?

Now there may be some of you dads who do this already. Some of you have actually completed this challenge.

To you I say, WELL DONE.

And you might want to consider writing a book because it will make you a shit ton of money.

For the rest of you, I am giving you a cheat sheet to complete this challenge.

An outline.

A syllabus.

I will take as much of the thinking out of it as I possibly can and make completing the challenge as easy as possible.

Here goes.

THE 2019 DAD CHALLENGE

1. Be ready to leave — shit/shower/shave and get dressed — ONE HOUR BEFORE IT IS TIME TO LEAVE.

2. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT start any major or minor projects within three hours of the projected departure time. Cleaning the car, reorganizing the garage, rebuilding the chimney — all of these types of projects are strictly forbidden.

3. DO NOT recline on any furniture. Do not sit down. Actually, DO NOT EVEN GO NEAR ANY FURNITURE.

4. DO NOT PICK UP A REMOTE.

5. One hour before it is time to go, ask your wife, “What needs to be done before it’s time to go, and how can I help you?”

6. Perform CPR on your wife because the first time you ask this she may have a heart attack.

7. Think about every single question your child has ever asked you, and then come up with answers to all those questions (ask your mother is not an acceptable answer) and be prepared to answer all of them.

8. Have solutions/measures/plans/supplies in place for all of the following scenarios:

Your kid pukes on himself in the car.

Your daughter has explosive diarrhea five minutes into the ride.

Your son spills his drink all over his pants.

Your daughter wipes out and gets a boo boo on her way to the car and you are running late. (GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE).

9. The following items may need to be packed depending on the age of your child, time of year, and weather outside:

• snacks
• drinks
• electronics
• chargers
• blankies
• diapers
• bottles
• more snacks
• more drinks
• blankets to sit on
• folding chairs
• hats
• gloves
• sunscreen
• sunglasses
• more snacks
• more drinks
• strollers
• backpacks
• DVDs
• more snacks
• more drinks

10. If you are going to one of your kids’ sporting events/practice/whatever, do they have enough food to get them through? They may need to eat on the way there, and they will be STARVING TO DEATH on the way home.

11. Load all crap into the car.

12. Forty-five minutes before it is time to leave, let your wife know you will handle the kids so she can take a shower in peace.

13. PREVENT ALL CHILDREN FROM ENTERING THE BATHROOM/BEDROOM WHILE MOM IS SHOWERING/GETTING DRESSED/DOING HER HAIR.

14. Get the kids ready to go. They must be dressed — including shoes. Locate jackets if needed. Ensure jackets make it into the car.

15. Brush kids’ hair.

16. Confirm kids have brushed their teeth in the last twelve hours.

17. Get all children into the car and make sure they are buckled up.

NOTE: FORMULA TO DETERMINE HOW MUCH TIME IS NEEDED TO GET ALL KIDS INTO THE CAR

TIME = 2 minutes per child + 2 minutes per every year under 10 years old

EXAMPLE:

2 year old child

10 – 2 = 8

TIME = 2 + [2 x 8] =

TIME = 2 + 16 = 18 minutes to get out the door and be ready to pull out of the driveway

If your departure time is 12:00 pm, you must begin the getting out of the door process by 11:42 a.m. in order to ensure punctual departure.

18. Does the car have gas?

19. Do you need money?

20. What is the address of your destination? Program it into WAZE and make sure there are no accidents/traffic jams/whatever which will alter your departure time.

21. Have you checked the weather? Are you prepared for rain? Do you have raincoats/umbrellas/dry clothes packed in case they are needed?

If you can answer yes and/or check off all 21 items on the list, you have completed the challenge.

Congratulations!

Give yourself a pat on the back

And then go give your wife a hug.

Should you complete the challenge, I’m sure she will want to give you one, too.