Back in December and January I had gotten into a pretty good routine that I really enjoyed where first thing in the morning I would exercise, and while I was working out I’d listen to a podcast.
My favorite was Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations. I have learned so much from these podcasts about myself and people in general, and every morning after finishing an episode I’d feel enlightened or inspired or redirected.
Usually I felt all three of those things.
Then in late January I developed some internal issues which led to surgery and then my whole routine was thrown off, and I totally fell off the wagon.
About two weeks ago, I started walking again (I still have two weeks to go post-surgery before I can really exercise or do anything strenuous) and listening to Oprah ‘s podcast. In the past week I’ve listened to the Lin-Manuel Miranda, Trevor Noah and Stephen Colbert episodes. They were all awesome, especially Trevor Noah. His book is next on my list of things to read.
Today I listened to the Sheryl Sandberg episode.
If you don’t know who she is, Sheryl Sandberg is the COO of Facebook. You may have seen the speech she gave at Berkeley where she talked about grief — it was all over social media last year.
It was her husband’s death that led her to focus on helping people deal with grief.
As someone who experienced the death of a sibling when I was a junior in high school, I know quite a bit about grief.
And I also know that many of us, most of us even — myself included — have no idea how to handle other peoples’ grief.
When we see someone who has experienced a trauma, we mention it the first time we see that person.
And then, for most of us, we never mention it again.
We are afraid to bring it up. We are afraid to remind the person about their grief.
But the thing that most of us don’t realize is that you don’t need to be reminded of your grief.
If you have lost a loved one, you don’t forget. It is with you all the time.
So the first time we see someone who has been dealt a really bad blow, we say something.
And than that’s it. Then it’s back to business as usual.
We think we are helping that person out. But in reality, often what we are doing is making that person feel more alone by not addressing it. And that is not helping them with the grieving process.
And in this podcast episode, she said:
“There is something so powerful about acknowledging. Not everyone wants to talk all the time, but you can always say to someone, ‘I know you’re hurting. And I am here. We can talk about it, we can not talk about it, but I know you are in pain.’ “
YES.
We all need to learn to feel comfortable enough to acknowledge peoples’ grief! This would be such a gift to anyone who is grieving or even just struggling.
So I pass this along to you.
Don’t let the first time you acknowledge someone’s grief be the only time you acknowledge it.
You don’t have to say much. You don’t have to fix anything. You don’t have to have any profound words.
Just letting that person who is struggling know you are there is enough.
I know you are hurting. I’m here. And we will get through this.
That’s a great place for all of us to start.
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I have to leave a reply for you here because I am feeling such a strange parallel. I just learned of Oprah’s Super Soul podcast yesterday (where have I been?!), and started it today. I listened in chronological order (at least, according to Spotify) and got through both of Brené Brown’s and then finished with Sheryl Sandberg’s episode…I listened to it just a few hours ago. So I saw the title of this post and that immediately caused me to open it.
The coincidence doesn’t stop there though: I lost someone very close to me when I was a junior in high school, too, though it was my best friend and not a sibling. I completely related to Sheryl in that there were months on end I didn’t think I’d be able to smile or laugh, or I’d feel so immensely guilty if I did.
And other classmates and teachers and family walked on egg shells around me bc they wanted me to be ok. I sometimes wanted to scream, “Hey— you know my friend died. And I know you know it. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen……because it’s only been 2 weeks (or a month, or 4 months), and I think I am allowed to take this long to get better.” My mom was always the one that said, “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, but I’m here with you and we’ll get through this together.” I wished other people could say that too. It pissed me off when people would try to get me to laugh rather than just acknowledging that it’s ok to be sad.
I was hyper-cognizant of every milestone I passed that she would never get to. Junior prom, high school graduation, college visits, first dates, engagements, home ownership, college graduation, marriage, dogs, kids.
After a few years of floundering, I resurfaced. I have learned to give myself the grace of having bad days (they’re rare now— it’s been 23 years), and I don’t apologize for them (any more). The love doesn’t go away just because she’s not here. I think about her every day, and I feel her with me right now. I hope you feel the love of your sibling tonight too.
I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed your blog— but it’s more than that. It’s been a lifeline for me at times. Comedic relief at others, thought-provoking, awesome distraction at still others. I connect with so much of what you write, and I wish you the best in everything you do.
–Long-time Fan (I vote for you for the best mommy blog every time I open it up)
P.S. I have also been recently diagnosed as an alcohic, and I’m finding that reading about your experiences has helped me to understand my own. Thank you for sharing.
What a powerful piece of writing. Love this advice and agree 100%. I think though the main reason that we only acknowledge the grief once is because we aren’t really sure how to address it. Or what is needed or acceptable. Thank you for pointing out that it is the acknowledgement that has the most meaning. Our words need not be perfect. As long as we are being there for the person, that is what matters most. Thanks for sharing your insight.
I’m so sorry you lost your little brother and at such a delicate time in life for you. I think it’s wonderful you can honor him by helping us understand what we can do to help others who are grieving.
Hi Susie! I love your posts! Thanks! Do you know the date of the Lin-Manuel Miranda podcast?