A few days ago I got this message on Facebook:
Good morning, Susie… I need some advice and you’re the only person I know that had had a boy and girl and could still remember how the tantrums go. [My son] is 2.5 and it feels like he’s getting worse. Especially these past couple days. Granted he and I both have been sick but it has been unbearable. I feel like it’s not normal and I’m doing something wrong. He gets into these fits and screams NO at the top of his lungs over and over when we try to talk to him. If we have the patience we just sit him down and not talk to him while he just cries and screams. But talking to him does no good. So it’s constant. Other times my husband will put him in time out and just leave him until he’s quiet but at that point I have no patience to deal with our daughter. Time Out is in a room with us so we never leave him. It’s just not acknowledging his fits. I have no idea what to do and I’m afraid something is wrong with him and I’ve caused it. Please let me know what you think.
Okay.
Here’s what I think.
You have a two-and-a-half-year-old.
Get used to the screaming.
Get used to the crying.
Get used to hearing NO!!!
There is nothing wrong with your child.
If he didn’t do these things, then there might be something wrong with him.
There is a reason why this age is called the Terrible Two’s.
Because they suck.
But they aren’t limited to the two’s.
The Terrible Two’s really start in the Ones.
And they last until,
um,
the Fours.
What makes the Two’s especially challenging is that a two-year-old usually doesn’t have the brain power to understand reason.
You can’t “explain” to them why they can’t get their way.
And they don’t really care.
There is no talking them down.
But they can understand cause and effect.
I had this therapist a while back who taught me to use when/then statements with the kids.
Number 7 is about the same age as your son.
One of her favorite reasons to throw a fit is because she wants to be picked up.
She will scream and scream and scream.
PICK ME UUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think for many of us, a standard response might be,
“If you stop crying, I will pick you up.”
If’s are no good.
They imply we are giving the kid the option of carrying on.
So my first piece of advice would be try to be conscious of that.
Try to repsond with when/then statements.
When you stop crying, then I will pick you up.
It’s a small little change, and it won’t undo the behavior, but it does help.
Now when Number 7 launches into a huge fit, I put her in a different room where we, and the rest of the kids, don’t have to listen to the screaming directly into our ears.
I don’t know if there is some rule that you can’t put a two-year-old into a room alone or not.
If there is, I totally break that one.
I use the same line here.
When you stop crying, then you can come out of your room (or the dining room or the hallway or wherever I put her).
Believe it or not, the screaming fits are getting shorter.
They may not be slowing down in frequency, but the duration is diminishing a little bit.
She understands cause and effect.
She’s got stamina for sure.
She can cry for a good twenty minutes.
So it may take her a while to come around, but she knows.
When she does stop crying, then I make sure I pick her up, or let her out of the room or do whatever it is I said I would do right away.
Reward the behavior you wanted to happen as soon as you see it.
And remain consistent.
Once you give in to the crying, you have undone all the work you have done so far.
No matter how batshit crazy the crying is driving you, stay consistent.
My second piece of advice…
Try to make a really big deal out of the times your son does something you want him to do.
When is he throwing a fit? When you ask him to pick up a toy?
Every time he does pick that toy up the first time you ask him to, clap.
Cheer!
Make a chart and put a sticker on it!
Give him an m&m!
Anything to encourage him to repeat the behavior.
And emphasize the good stuff he’s doing.
Try to give as much attention to the behaviors you want them to repeat as you can.
And I know it’s hard because for some reason we tend to focus on the things the kids are doing wrong, rather than what they are doing right.
Do your best to catch him being good.
Now I hear you on how the crying can drive you to the edge.
Sometimes all the kids are getting along really great here.
Other times, between Numbers 5, 6, and 7, there is at least one kid crying for hours at a time.
Literally hours.
They’re like tag-team tantrum throwers.
As soon as one stops, the next one takes over.
That constant crying you are talking about?
It happens to all of us.
I’m just kind of immune to it at this point.
So my other piece of advice is to try to find some ways to tune it out.
Because in another year, when your daughter is in the Two’s,
it’s going to get worse.
You’ll have two throwing fits and antagonizing each other.
The good news is that when you stay consistent, reward the positive, and find a way to breathe through it all,
you will find yourself on the other side.
The bad news is, before you get to the other side,
you’re going to have to make it through the Fucking Fours.
Back at Number 1! Thank you!
Please keep voting!
I ditto everything. The more you engage they longer they last (find a safe place where you are NOT for time outs because if you even look at them you are engaging). The “When/then” thing DOES work. Lastly, you are not alone.
The terrible two’s and the God awful threes’s.
Thanks for this. I have really been using the “when, then” and it works. It works so well with my 3 year old and about 50% of the time with my 2 year old. Thank you so much.