I haven’t yelled at the kids since last summer.
Since July 24, 2014, to be exact.
It’s almost my six month anniversary.
At this point, it’s become second nature, really.
(You can read about how I got through the first few days, weeks, and months, here.)
Yelling is no longer a reaction I need to counteract.
Well it wasn’t until this past week.
Last week I found myself having to count to ten more than usual.
Serenity Now was running through my head on a daily basis.
Of course, the kids are going to be douches sometimes no matter what.
They will never stop pushing the limits or testing the boundaries.
Which is something I’ve accepted, and so it doesn’t piss me off as much as it used to, and as a result, I don’t get so frustrated or angry as I did in the past.
But there are some things which shouldn’t happen.
Things that the kids know they are supposed to do every day.
Things that I should not have to remind them to do.
And last week, I realized I had allowed them to.
Numbers 2, 3, and 4 are responsible for cleaning up the kitchen every day.
It’s Number 3’s job to unload and then load the dishwasher in the morning (even before school), Number 4’s job to do it after school, and Number 2’s job to do it after dinner.
Every morning I was having to ask Number 3 to unload the dishwasher.
And most mornings I would get back from dropping the kids off at school and see that he hadn’t done it.
And then every afternoon I was giving him a mini lecture about not doing the things that he absolutely knew he was supposed to do.
I was getting really tired of reminding him.
Although this pattern was really all my fault.
I wasn’t holding him accountable.
And he had realized that there was no consequence.
How had I let that happen?
So I thought about it.
Number 2, 3 and 4 are also responsible for making their own lunches to take to school, and they are supposed to make them the night before.
(You can read about how I started that, here).
Number 3 is really good about this.
Every day, he comes home from school, unpacks his bag, and immediately makes his lunch for the next day.
But the dishwasher was not getting unloaded in the morning.
Why was he making his lunch, but not taking care of the dishes?
He didn’t want to do either one, really.
But he knew that if he didn’t make his lunch, then he wouldn’t have anything to eat at school.
Because he knew I wouldn’t make it for him.
But the dishes were a different story.
There wasn’t really a consequence.
He had gotten lazy because I had gotten lazy.
And I was stuck in that proverbial definition of insanity cycle.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
The thing Number 3 loves the most is his Kindle.
And I will let him use it at night if he has done his homework and made his lunch for school the next day.
But I was still letting him use it when he hadn’t taken care of the dishes that morning.
I don’t know how I had slipped into that pattern, but I had.
So last week on Wednesday, I stopped with the mini lectures regarding the dishwasher.
Instead, I asked Number 3 for his Kindle.
And I told him he’d get it back when he had done everything he was supposed to do for the day, and that I was no longer giving him any warnings or reminders.
The next morning, Thursday, the dishwasher was not emptied.
Rather than wind up for lecture #467 about emptying the fucking dishwasher when Number 3 came home from school, I said nothing.
But that night, when he was home from swim practice, and had finished his homework, and his lunch was packed, and he asked for his Kindle, I told him he hadn’t earned it.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Did you empty the dishwasher this morning?” I asked him.
“Oh shoot! I forgot!” he said. “Can I do it now?”
I told him he could if he wanted to, but that he wouldn’t get the Kindle back that night. He could try again tomorrow.
He semi-stomped up the stairs, muttering things under his breath.
The next morning, Friday, I went to yoga at 6:30 am, and when I walked in the house at 7:45, this is what I saw:
Number 3, loading up the dishwasher.
Without being reminded.
“MOM! I’m almost done!” he told me, feeling proud.
And that was that.
He feels good about earning a reward, and I feel good about keeping my cool and holding him accountable.
No lecturing needed.
And no yelling needed.
Today’s post is sponsored by Olive & Lucy of Oscawana Lake
Purchase your copy on iTunes today!
This makes me wonder how I can make this work for my 22 year old. I have told him if he was going to live in this house he had to help out. He has to help with the cooking and do the dishes. He helps with the cooking but never does the dishes unless I remind him. I can’t imagine what I can take away…maybe the internet…hmmm…got to think about this one.
How about a cell phone? Who pays for that?
I pay for the cell phone but the only time he uses it is to call me. We have really old flip phones with no texting and no internet on them. THe problem with taking the internet away from him is that he would be fine with that. He loves to read and received mostly books for Christmas. He has spent HOURS every day reading so he forgets to do the dishes. I swore when he was really little and loved for me to read to him that I would never take that away from him. He does go to college and gets really good grades but on the days he is home from school I feel he can help out…without being told! He was doing the dishes the other day when I walked in from work and I said …Wow, thanks so much for doing the dishes without being told! He said, Dad told me to…I said ..Why can’t you ever just do them without being told..He said..I get so wrapped up in my book that it just slips my mind….ugh…I’m am about to give up and just do them myself.
Honestly, if you notice stuff isn’t getting done, change your internet password. It gets rather annoying to change it back and forth, but as time goes on, hopefully he starts actually getting the dishes part done, and you won’t have to do it anymore!
It’s crazy because I know what you’re doing works and still I get so flustered with my kids, 10, 6, and 3 and yell anyway. It’s like a monster takes over and before I know it I sound like my mother when she use to yell at us as kids. I’m glad you wrote about the whole yelling thing because I’ve been so ashamed and guilty because every other mom seems to be able to communicate with their children in a way more civilized manner than I do.
This is a great idea. I keep baby-ing my kids but they are 5 & 7 and for sure old enough to take on more responsibility. Thank you for reminding me.
I have a hard time not babying my babies. I know my eight year old could use some more responsibility in her life, so I am going to try to make an effort. Maybe I will make her a chart or something, but I dont follow through with it though and end up doing it myself in the past. Good for you for keeping them accountable!
Oh my goodness, good for you. All of a sudden I’m feeling that my yelling and swearing at the little douche pickles can be curbed if I put in a little conscious effort.
That is fantastic!
I’m a teacher and I have two students who were always late to class last semester and never did their work. This semester they are both racing to class and making sure they have their work in. A total 180. I asked them why they had changed. They told me their mom wouldn’t let them have dessert after dinner if they had a tardy or a zero in the grade book.
A little thing, but a huge effect.
How inspirational! I can’t wait until my kids are old enough to help with the dishes like that. My 2-year-old loves flossing (weird, I know) and fruit so those are the things I take away when she doesn’t do what I say. Sounds like you’re uber respected by Number 3!
Best,
Cassidy
http://tuesdaystantrum.blogspot.com/2015/01/best-thing-when-child-wont-sleep.html
Really inspiring! It must take so much patience!!
Daisy
http://en.emoi-emoi.com/blog/