Reading is fundamental. Most of the time.

I have many, many fond memories of my parents reading to me when I was a kid.

My dad used to read Richard Scarry’s Best Mother Goose Ever to me every night.

I have almost all of those babies memorized.

Still.

And so I feel like every kid should have this book in his or her library.

The same with Bear Snores On.

I love that book.

I read it to Number 3 every day for at least a year. He had it memorized by the time he was 2.

So I think every kid should have that book too.

Goodnight Moon is another one.

When Number 3 was born I ended up with 4 copies of that book.

So I guess other people thought it should be a part of every kid’s library too.

Finding that little mouse on every page became a nightly ritual.

Then there are the How Do Dinosaurs Do Pretty Much Everything? books.

Required childhood reading.

Did you know there was this one?

And this one???

We need to complete our collection…

And speaking of collections,

As they grow older, there are other books I think every child should have.

Like Nancy Drew.

Yeah, I know they’re a little antiquated, but who doesn’t love to see all those books lined up on a shelf?

The Hardy Boys too.

I had them all.

My bookshelf looked just like that.

The Chronicles of Narnia?

A must have.

And not knowing where one of the books was and having an empty space in that box was, and still is, cause for alarm.

There is one other collection we have.

The Beatrix Potter Collection.

The illustrations are so sweet.

Peter Rabbit is so cute.

I’ve always thought this is a classic collection that all children should possess.

Until I actually read the books.

Um,

they suck.

Reading those things is like taking an SAT preparatory class.

First of all,

the titles are difficult to read with a straight face.

They could easily be used as a gauge for an adolescent’s maturity level.

If you can read about The Tale of Mrs. Tittlemouse and her nut cellar without giggling,

then you can progress to high school.

But then there is the vocabulary.

I am not in the habit of letting lodgings! This is an intrusion!

and

She got up early and began a spring cleaning that lasted a fortnight.

Or how about this, from The Tale of Jemima Puddle Duck:

This is my summer residence; you would not find my earth – my winter house – so convenient.

What the hell?

Find me a three-year-old who knows what that crap means.

Everytime Number 5 pulls a book out of that annoying little box,

I lose a couple more minutes of my life.

These Beatrix Potter books are like Shakespeare for preschoolers.

None of them know what the fuck they are reading.

And the only reason we read them is because we feel like we have to.

Oh yeah,

I read MacBeth.

and The Tale of Timmy Tiptoes.

Whatever.

That Beatrix Potter shit needs cliff notes.

We’re having a tag sale today,

and that box of Beatrix Potter mensa iq tests is definitely up for sale.

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