I have been struggling the past few days.
I’m not just tired. I’m exhausted.
My head is pounding. Constantly.
Like it feels like my brain is too big to fit in my skull.
And I’m extremely emotional.
It takes nothing more than a slight breeze for me to burst into tears.
For the past three days I have been intermittently crying.
And not just crying.
Sobbing.
I know it’s due to a combination of things.
Money. Kids. Marriage. Continuing to pile my plate with too much stuff.
But this is a pattern.
The same thing happened around this time last year.
And while stress is at an all-time high right now, it’s no different than it was in September really.
So why the crying now?
Today is my little brother’s birthday.
He would have been 32 today.
He died 29 years ago.
You’d think the feelings would have faded by now.
But clearly they haven’t.
The past couple years they’ve actually been worse.
And I just had a thought.
An idea.
Because I know this isn’t just happening to me right now.
Entering the holiday season knowing that you will be surrounded by the people you love most in the world except for one really sucks.
That first year, people remember.
As time passes though, they forget.
But you don’t.
That hole remains.
So here is my thought.
We are entering the Random Acts of Kindness season.
And sure, it’s nice to perform a random act of kindness for a stranger.
To buy coffee for that person behind you.
But this year, I propose that you perform a RAOK for a friend.
A friend who has lost a loved one.
Many months ago.
Many years ago.
Let them know you remember.
Write them a note.
Share a memory you have of that person.
Drop off a dinner at their house just because.
Give them a hug.
Make a donation to a charity in their loved one’s memory.
Do something.
Let them know you remember.
You will never be able to completely fill that hole.
But you might help to make it a little bit less empty.
And that could be the most meaningful gift you give to anyone this holiday season.
Thank you for making me Number 1!
I NEED YOUR VOTES TO STAY THERE!
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Susie, my mom passed away 12 years ago this year on Christmas Eve. My dad 5 years ago a week after his birthday and my 30 year marriage ended this past Halloween day. You could say I am a bit of an expert on grief. There is no easy way through it, and you are so right others don’t get it. A wonderful woman shared a tradition with me that I now use to help me through the anniversaries. I light a candle (the small religious ones you can get at shop rite) and gather the family around and we share happy memories of our loved one. This year I will be doing it alone as my eldest son has moved to CO, and my daughter will be with her paternal grandparents on Christmas Eve. You could honor your brother in a similar way. Take a picture of him out and gather your children around and tell them about him. He lives on in your memories. I will be thinking of you today and know that there are others who understand what you are experiencing. Deb D’Angelo
My heart goes out to you – I hope sharing this has helped you. I do have friends who have lost relations much too young, and I never know when to practice the random act of kindness – that is, you should always be randomly kind, but does it help to let them know you are thinking about their loss – or are there times when you don’t want to bring it up, when it may not be front and centre in their minds. Your thoughts?
This is incredibly true. When someone dies so does a part of you and your world is never whole again. Yet the rest of the world continues and forgets about you, your pain, and worse, the deceased. Memories fade, as hard as you try to retain them, but some how the pain is always there. It’s that dull roaring, stomach wrenching pain that, at times, is paralyzing and scary as hell.
It’s crazy to think that a simple RAOK like conversation can really affect someone in a positive way. I love this message and hope that everyone takes this to heart, because it’s unbelievably true. Thanks for the post!
Oh wow! You really hit home with this one. My younger brother (by 1 year) and only sibling died 27 years ago on Dec. 6th due to a still unsolved homicide. He was only 17. And I find the season of joy to be a really sad and painful time that has never “got easier” as so many people try to tell you. In fact, the older I get the harder it becomes. My heart and thoughts go out to you.
Thinking of you this holiday season! My younger brother died about 10 years ago in an awful car accident. He would have been 30 years old this year, its so sad and seems the holidays only get harder. I just wish for 1 Christmas I could have him back to spend time with him and meet my children. My thoughts and prayers will be with you!
Right back at you, Kristi. Hope you and your family have a nice Christmas filled with some fond memories.