I had my second Positive Discipline class last week.

If you still roll your eyes or throw up in your mouth a little bit whenever you see those two words, then I am sure you don’t really understand the philosophy.

PLEASE DON’T STOP READING.

This sh*t works! I swear to you!

And I have a big test group here at my house. I have a whole range of ages. And it works for all of us. For the grown ups and the kids.

In Positive Discipline approved language, not only is it effective in helping you to guide your kids toward the behavior you want to see from them, but it’s effective in helping you to feel much better about the job you are doing as a parent.

In Not Your Average Mom approved language, my kids are less douchey, and I am less bitchy.

Seriously.

And I know this may sound cheesy or corny or whatever-you-want-to-call-it, but I truly believe that I am meant to spread as much positive discipline love to all of you as I can.

I really do.

It is changing my life.

As I’ve mentioned before (and the  false impression I think many people are under when they hear those two words), Positive Discipline IS NOT about telling your kids how fucking amazing they are 24/7. It’s definitely not about making sure their lives are perfect and easy and that things go their way at all times. It’s not about allowing them to make every decision and to walk all over you.

It is so not that.

And like I said, I feel like one of my purposes in life is to share this philosophy with parents. Because if we can raise our children this way, not only will they be more respectful of us and of each other, but they will also grow up knowing how to communicate respectfully and effectively with everyone they come into contact with for the remainder of their lives.

It will  enable them to communicate effectively with boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives.

It will help them to stay true to themselves without being bullies or tyrants or doormats!

If only I had been raised this way! If only we had all been raised this way!!!

My problem is that there is so much to share, I don’t know where to begin.

I’ve been struggling with this post because there is just so much good stuff. So much stuff that in hindsight seems so logical.

So first I’ll begin by urging you all to purchase this book.

Sincerely. Get the book. It’s not a difficult read.

But it is eye opening.

And it will fill in the gaps in whatever I share, because there’s no way for me to get all this information to you unless I just plagiarize the whole damn thing.

Secondly, if you didn’t read the post I wrote last week, please read it!

After reading that post a friend of mine said something along the lines of  “I tried that and I was both amazed and annoyed by how well it worked!”

I’m telling you, it works.

And for some of you these approaches may not work immediately. But if you truly understand the philosophy, and you keep trying, even when you fall off track, IT WILL WORK.

And it will work much better than what you are doing now.

So moving forward, I’m going to share the points with you that have been the most eye-opening for me.

The ones that have given me the biggest A-HA moments.

And here is the biggest thing I learned from last week’s class and reading.

Punishments don’t work.

And neither do rewards.

Wait.

WHAT?

Punishments and rewards don’t work?

Then why the hell do my kids stop doing whatever the hell they are doing and  follow the directions when I take their iPad away or bribe them with a reward?

Well, you’re right.

Punishments and rewards do work.

In the short term. They give you an immediate (or semi-immediate result).

But it doesn’t last.

Because if it did, you wouldn’t  find yourself saying and threatening the same things over and over and over again!

On the first day of this PD class, the instructors asked us all why we were taking the class.

And my response was, “Because I want my kids to do the right thing not just when I’m right there in front of them, but also when I leave the room.”

I am so tired of my kids doing whatever the fuck they can to annoy each other or piss each other off the second there is no adult in the room.

It is driving me to the brink of insanity.

And that is the problem with punishments and rewards.

We need to be present for them to work.  We need to be constantly monitoring our kids and letting them know if they need to be punished or rewarded when we are operating under this kind of parenting style.

And what that does is create children who have no internal, um, anything.

They have no barometer. No  internal self-control.

It all comes from us.

And so you may not think of yourself as a controlling parent.

I certainly didn’t.

But if you are using rewards and punishments to guide your children’s behavior, then you are controlling them.

And if you are like me, you are getting tired of constantly having to remind them to do the right thing. But you are having to do this because you haven’t taught your kids to be responsible for their own behavior.

And you want to blame them.

But the reality of the situation is that we as parents are to blame because we have set up this dynamic.

Realizing this totally sucks.

Especially when you have nothing but good intentions.

So this controlling and punitive method of parenting is one method.

Then there is the second one.

The permissive parent.

This parent is the doormat. This parent lets the kid do basically whatever he/she wants. This parent feels sorry for her child. We all know the kids of the permissive parents. Unlike the kids of the strict parents who have too many rules, these kids don’t have enough.

Or any.

They  have not learned anything about taking responsibility for themselves either.

Both of these approaches involve humiliation. One can be more humiliating to the child. The other is more humiliating to the parent.

In either case, neither one is very effective at helping your child self regulate his or her behavior in the long run.

I think those of us who tend to be more punitive, who lean toward punishment and reward can see how being permissive is ineffective and dangerous, even.

But it can be very difficult to convince the punitive parent that their method is not effective long term either.

So I’ll leave you with the 4 ‘s of Punishment.

And this is taken straight from the Positive Discipline book:

The long-term results of punishment are that children usually adopt one or all of the four R’s of  Punishment:

1. Resentment — “This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
2. Revenge — “They are winning now, but I’ll get even.”
3. Rebellion — “I;ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way.”
4. Retreat — a) sneakiness  — “I won’t get caught next time” and  b) Reduced self-esteem — “I am a bad person.”

I know 100% for sure that I experienced ALL of these myself as a child. And I see all of these  present in my kids.

This was never my intention! I thought punishments and rewards worked!

Fuck!

Anyway, just think about the behaviors you see in your kids. Think about the things you find yourself saying over and over and over again. Think about the punishments you are constantly giving out. And think about the reactions you see in your kids.

(And then if you haven’t already, buy that book!)

And next week I’ll share what’s working much better than the punishments and carrot dangling.

Like my friend, you’ll probably be amazed and annoyed.

But there’s a good chance you’ll also be a little bit relieved.

 

 

 

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