I’m contributing to a book about pregnancy written by mommy bloggers. I need to write about the following 5 topics: conception, the great stuff about being pregnant, the shitty stuff about being pregnant, childbirth, and how life changes after the baby.
I’m a little behind. I haven’t really written anything.
And the deadline is tomorrow.
So I’m gonna try to kill two birds with one stone today… some thoughts on childbirth…
I’ll go out on a limb and say that if you have more than 3 kids, your experiences with childbirth haven’t been completely horrendous.
But let’s get one thing clear. When people say “You forget about the pain as soon as the baby is born,” well, that’s just bullshit. I mean, you realize the pain is temporary, but it really fucking hurts.
Like worse than anything. Ever. Times a hundred.
And that is why the most amazing person in the world is not my husband, or my mom, or my dad, or Steve Jobs, or the Dalai Lama.
It’s the dude who invented the epidural. I hope that guy made an assload of money.
Because the only thing better than an epidural is…
Oh…
Wait…
There isn’t anything better than an epidural. Once you get that shit, you don’t care what the hell happens.
And you know that Staples commercial for the easy button? Well, after you have the baby and they move you to your own room in the hospital, they have one of those buttons there.
If you press it, a nurse will come to your room and do pretty much anything you ask.
She will bring you food. She will bring you a drink. She will even bring you drugs.
And if you are just too tired, she will come and take the baby away. And feed her. And change her. And bathe her. Until you press the button again.
She will do anything short of wiping your ass for you.
Actually, she would probably even do that.
So really, every time you press that button, A WIFE APPEARS!!!
And people say childbirth is difficult…
Nope. Pushing that baby out is easy.
But pushing me out of that hospital room? Well, that’s a different story.
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OMG ROFLMAO!!!!!!! You are hysterical!! Girl I laughed and am still laughing over this one! But you are so right!! And yes as a registered nurse I can assure you, the nurse will wipe your ass as that seems to be some shifts all you end up doing almost!! Drugs, poop, drug, poop, drugs, poop………. And thats and thats what its all about. Diddn’t you have any that came out too fast???? My second baby I wasnt able to have an epidural as it all went down too fast. My water broke, hubs too hung over to get up, drove self to hos[ital, laid down and started pushing!! Believe me it surprised the crap out of me too!! Fifteen minutes later they are handing me my baby girl!! I rememeber looking up to lights flicking on in the labor room as they were pushing me down there when she came. It hurt like hell . mostly burning as I tore pretty bad all the way past my rectum. The stitching part was actually longer and worse than the delivery. Sadist doc wouldnt give me a thing even though I ws begging. Hell a shot of lidocaine to the area wouldve done it. Any who I find it amazing all seven of yours were good normal deliverys where you had time for an epidural!!
Holy cow Sandy! You are funny. I feel like I just delivered your baby myself 😉
LMFAO!!!!!
That was the funniest and truest thing I ever read! I haven’t stopped smiling!
Ha! Thanks Jamie. It’s only funny cause it’s true 😉