Knit one, purl two. I made a sweater. From my hoo hoo.

Yesterday one of my friends shared a link from the Huffington Post on Facebook.

The title of the link was Vaginal Knitting Is Actually A Thing And People Are Absolutely Terrified.

Well, I had to click on that.

If you want to waste two minutes and fifty-two seconds of your life, you can click on that too, right here.

Apparently there are people who are scared shitless of vaginas.

So this performance artist decided to ram a ball of yarn up her unit, and pull that shit out and knit with it.

Thank God.

Because yesterday I had a serious vagina phobia.

But now?

I’m cured!

It’s a miracle!

I’m not big on performance art.

I just don’t really get it.

I don’t have a problem with it though.

Shove whatever the hell you want up into your cooch.

If you want to knit a sweater out of there, go for it.

I’d love to see the tag on that.

Handmade, in my vagina.

And you’d know who was wearing the vagina sweater.

Just look for the person being sniffed to death by a pack of dogs.

No, the knitting from the hoo hoo doesn’t bother me at all.

But this quote from the “artist” does…

“I want to, I guess, not just walk off and become a parent like a cultural lemming; I want to make an informed decision.”

Um…

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

Lady.

If you think knitting a scarf out of your vajayjay is going to prepare you for parenthood, or help you to make an informed decision, um,

well,

you are in for a big surprise.

How about you let me inform you?

And save you some yarn.

Sitting in a box with a skein of yarn shoved into your vagina will not stop you from “walking off and becoming a parent like a cultural lemming.”

But sitting in a box with a 2-year-old who just broke her candy cane might.

Or maybe try sitting in a box with a 4-year-old who wants to wear a tank top to school in December.

Tell her no, and stay in the box all day with her.

That should inform you.

If you still feel uninformed, tell your 8-year-old that he has to redo his math homework because it’s a mess.

Then sit in the box with him while he scribbles on it, crumples it up, and gives you the death stare. For like 8 hours in a row.

If you still feel uninformed, tell your 16-year-old that he’s lost all iPad privileges.

Sit in the box with that shit all day.

If you still feel uninformed, tell your 7-year-old that you won’t buy her any scented Fucking Rainbow Loom rubber bands.

Then sit in the box while she tells you repeatedly that you are the worst. mom. ever.

And if, after all that, you still feel uninformed, well, come to my house.

My house is like one big box of performance art.

My kids work with all sorts of mediums.

Cheerios.

Powder.

Powdered sugar.

Paint.

Honey.

Everything.

Now, as for that scary vagina thing.

If you want to show people how the vagina is an amazing and creative and not scary thing,

something to be respected,

I have a couple ideas.

Rather than shoving a ball of yarn up there and producing a scarf, how about this…

How about you stick some flour, eggs, sugar and cocoa powder in there, and pull out…

This:

Or even better…

How about you put a Transformer truck in there, 

And pull out Megaprime.

That would be impressive.

And then after that, how about you shove this stuff up in there,

And shoot this baby out:

Now that would REALLY be impressive.

And then, for your grand finale,

Ram this up in your beav,

and pull that sucker out looking like this:

If you could swing that,

well,

then perhaps we’ll be able to rid society of that vulvaphobia once and for all.