If you have watched even two minutes of tv in the last week, then you have seen at least 94 Black Friday commercials.
And if you have bought any magazines, then you have most likely read endless lists of the best gifts to get for teachers, fathers, kids, new moms and everyone else under the sun.
Parents Magazine suggested this for pregnant moms:
Along with this caption: All that growing makes your belly itch — especially in the winter months. Slather on this decadent and heavenly-smelling body scrub in the shower, to emerge buffed and silky soft even if you skip moisturizer (no need to hit those hard-to-reach places twice).
That’s hilarious. We all know that unless this is your first child, pregnant moms don’t take showers. And if they do, they definitely don’t have time to be scrubbing shit off of their body.
And then there was this suggestion:
Along with this description: Trust us, once you have this, you won’t be able to take your eyes off it. This sleek digital photo keychain displays up to 60 photos — the built-in rechargeable battery will give you up to three hours of mesmerizing viewing time. Fill it with sonogram and bump photos pre-baby, and then with snaps of junior once he makes his grand arrival.
Ha. Trust me. This will be cool for about the first 3 pictures, and then you will never load another one onto there. And when one of your other kids gets ahold of it and wears down the batteries, you will never get around to recharging them. You will just be left with one more annoying thing on your key chain that is preventing you from finding your Shoprite card.
I want to save you some time and aggravation.
So here is my 2012 holiday gift guide for the new mom:
1. 47 bottles of baby wash, baby shampoo, and baby lotion
Because this is the number of those things that will never actually touch her child’s body, but will be emptied all over every square inch of her bathroom.
2. 17 boxes of feminine hygiene products
Because once her kid discovers these things, well, see below:
3. Two new toilets
Because this is the number of toilets she will have to replace when her kid flushes a bunch of unretrievable shit (that isn’t actually shit) down them.
4. 14 sippy cups
This is the number of sippy cups she will have to throw away after they are unknowingly left under a bed or in the back of the car for a few weeks, only to be discovered after wondering what “that smell” was and finding them no longer filled with milk but with yogurt. Or cottage cheese.
So there you have it. No need to waste your money on crap that the new mom is never going to use.
She may look at you a little funny at first, but before you know it, that new mom will be thanking you profusely.
for more holiday gift giving ideas, click here
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