IS MOM AN IDIOT?

The other day Number 7 got really, really upset with me about something — I honestly can’t remember what it even was right now — and she ran and grabbed the Magic 8 Ball.

IS MOM AND IDIOT? she asked it.

The first answer from the Magic 8 Ball was not satisfactory to her, so she repeated the question over and over and over until she got a reply that she was happy with.

IT IS DECIDEDLY SO.

This is not the way I want Number 7 to speak to me.

Or anyone.

But we have all had moments of anger/frustration/exasperation/fear/anxiety where we say things to other people that we regret.

And we are completely ineffective at communicating what is really going on in the process.

I know I have said lots of stuff in the heat of the moment that was regrettable.

And the only thing it really did for me was make me feel bad about how I had acted.

I’ve said plenty of things to my kids I wish I hadn’t said.

Some people might suggest a punishment for Number 7 for speaking to me like that.

A consequence.

Other people might say, If my kid ever spoke to me like that, I’d kick their ass.

Or something along those lines.

But what will that teach your kid?

That you can control what other people say?

Isn’t that why we punish kids when they talk to us in a way we don’t like? Because we want them to speak differently to us?

We all know you cannot control how people speak to you.

And people are gonna say all sorts of stupid shit to you throughout the course of your life.

The way we can influence and guide our kids is in showing them how to react to the way people are speaking to us.

When we show our kids that being rude or disrespectful or hurtful isn’t going to influence our decisions, we are modeling ways for them to respond when the same stuff happens to them.

You don’t show someone you aren’t okay with how they are speaking to you with more words. Or with threats.

I mean, that’s one way of doing it.

But then you are conducting yourself in the exact same way as the other person.

You kind of nullify your response.

Punishing someone for the way they are speaking isn’t showing them other ways to communicate.

If your spouse says something really hurtful to you, you don’t tell him to go to his room. You don’t take his phone away from him.

If your coworker says something shitty to you, you don’t ground her.

But you might walk away from the conversation.

You might simply say, WOW.

Maybe you’d say, “I can see you are really upset. I’d love to talk about this when we are both calm.”

That works with kids, too.

It helps them learn different and more effective ways of communicating, and it helps them learn respectful ways of responding to people.

Even if those people are being assholes.

Because ultimately, they aren’t being assholes.

They are telling you with their words that they are experiencing some form of fear or sadness. Those feelings are not comfortable, and people don’t like being uncomfortable.

Kids really don’t like being uncomfortable.

Anger is really an indication of a stronger, underlying emotion.

It could be anxiety or powerlessness or depression or disappointment or fear of abandonment.

When you have learned effective ways of communicating, you are able to navigate these emotions without being hurtful.

Punishing a kid for being disrespectful doesn’t teach him/her to communicate differently or more effectively.

It really only teaches them that when someone is a dick to you, you can ultimately control what they say.

You can’t.

So when Number 7 asked the Number 8 ball if I was an idiot seventeen times the other day, I didn’t lose my shit on her. I didn’t threaten her. I didn’t punish her.

I didn’t even do anything.

Yet.

In the next day or two, I’ll have a conversation with her.

I’ll start it something like this.

Hey Number 7… remember the other day when you were really mad at me and you asked the Number 8 ball if I was an idiot?

What was going on in your head?

What got you so upset?

And then we’ll take it from there.

I’ll let her know I want to understand why she was upset.

I’ll let her know I want to see if I can help her find some ways to communicate more effectively the next time she is feeling that way.

And I won’t just be telling her what she can be doing differently.

I’ll be showing her.

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