I’m Ready.

Every Thursday my dad comes and picks up Number 6 and 7 at 8:30 in the morning, and he takes them down to his house.

My parents take care of the two of them all day and return them bathed, fed, and in their pajamas around 6:30 or so.

That leaves me alone in the house.

Alone. 

For the whole day, until the other kids get home from school.

It’s amazing how much stuff you can get done when there aren’t any kids home.

But I always have so much to do that I don’t know where to start. And I always make myself a list with way too many things on it, run around like a maniac the entire time the kids are gone, don’t come close to checking everything off the list, and then feel crappy about how much I still have left unchecked.

Yesterday was non-stop.

• I dropped Number 3 off early for band at 7:45 a.m.
• Rushed back home to get Number 4 and 5 on the bus
• Got Number 6 and 7 ready for preschool
• Dropped Number 6 off at 9:00.
• Ran to get gas, went to the grocery store to get some food for Number 6’s lunch, packed his lunch in the car, and dropped him seven minutes late at school at 9:52.
• Went to Costco to buy groceries.
• Came home, emptied the car, and went for a run.
• dug out a couple garden beds (4 done, 3 to go)
• did some work on the computer and a couple loads of laundry
• got the kids off the bus
• learned from Number 5 that it was her art show that night. Whoops.
• got the kids their snacks, got dinner ready, packed more snacks up to take to swim practice.
• took Numbers 3 – 7 to swim practice
• met my cousin’s daughter who was going to watch the little guys during practice
• Sped with Number 5 to her school really quickly and looked at her art work for about 4 seconds.
• came back to practice until 7:15
• dropped the babysitter off at her house
• came home, fed the kids dinner, gave 5, 6, and 7 a bath
• put Number 6 and 7 to bed.
• put Number 3, 4 and 5 to bed
• wrote yesterday’s blog post
• passed out at 9:30 pm

14 hours of literal non-stop action.

And I didn’t mention the record-setting number of temper tantrums Number 7 sprinkled in throughout the course of the day or the number of times Number 6 had meltdowns because he couldn’t take the propeller off his Lego thing or because his red car broke or that fact that Number 5, 6, and 7 want to beat the crap out of each other almost constantly and once I leave the room there is inevitably a full on WWF smackdown.

Anyway, last week I got rid of the glider that I had rocked the kids in for the last 10 years.

I was pretty emotional about it.

But now that the glider has been gone for a week and I’ve come to accept that the baby years are behind me, I would like to admit something.

I’m ready.

I’m ready for the next phase.

I’m ready for things to be much more about me, and much less about everyone else.

For some reason I have felt guilty acknowledging this.

Yes, I love my kids more than anything and they will still come first.

And I will cry on Number 6’s last day of preschool.

I’ll be a mess when he goes off to kindergarten.

And I can’t believe Number 7 will be in her last year of preschool.

But I am ready for civility.

And I know, because Thursday is my favorite day of the week.

Today being Thursday, my parents took the kids.

As soon as they were out the door, I started to go into maniac mode.

And then I thought to myself, No. Today you will not do that.

Because for whatever reason, today something finally clicked.

I’m not sure why today was the day.

But today I realized that I can run on all cylinders 24/7 but there will still be a whole shitload of stuff left unchecked on the list.

And so today, rather than eat on the run and not take a shower and try to do five different things at once, I had a civilized day.

I made myself a nice lunch. I took a break and read a cook book for about 15 minutes.

I still got a lot of work done.

But I didn’t go completely psycho.

Because I am ready for some fucking civility.

Rather than shoving something portable into my face while I’m driving, I am ready to eat lunch sitting at the table. Using real dishes.

I am ready to stop neglecting the areas of my life that I’d like to devote a little more time and attention to.

I’m ready to be able to have a fucking conversation on the phone rather than schedule a call during a nap time.

I’m ready to not find any more cottage cheese-filled sippy cups under a bed or behind the couch.

I’m ready to wear a white jean jacket without threatening my kids with bodily harm if they come near me while I’m wearing it.

I’m ready to have sex with my husband in the middle of the afternoon.

I’m ready to be done with the car seat buckling and the shoe tying.

I’m ready for the total amount of time it takes to walk out the door, get in the car and actually pull out of the driveway to be less than 30 minutes.

I’m ready to be able to read a book without falling asleep before I can even turn one page.

I have been feeling guilty for looking forward to these things. Like I am not a good mom for fantasizing about having the kids be a little older.

And less dependent.

But I’m ready.

So while I am not hoping to rush my kids through these next few years, I am done looking back with sadness at the fact that they are growing up.

Instead, I look forward to what is yet to come.

I’m ready to start living in the present. And I’m ready to start experiencing the present.

There are still many, many things I want to experience with my kids.

But for the first time in my life, I think I’m ready to start experiencing a bunch of things without them.

 

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