About a year ago, I admitted that I rarely sleep in the bed with my husband, and that pretty much every night, I sleep on the couch.
And I made a pledge to get back into my bed.
So it’s been a year.
And, well,
not much has changed.
I did a little research. I wanted to find out why married couples started sleeping in the same bed to begin with.
Because I don’t make my kids sleep in the same bed.
I thought maybe it was for financial reasons.
That was partially right.
At one time, a bed was the most expensive piece of furniture in the house.
Wealthy people had a master suite and a mistress suite. But less fortunate people had to share rooms. And beds.
Then there was the issue of heat.
People slept together for warmth. In some cases, entire families shared a bed.
I also read that hundreds of years ago, people slept in the same bed because they were afraid of the dark. Afraid of intruders. That sleeping in the same bed with someone provided a sense of security.
And then I read that married couples sleep together because people are “creatures of attachment.”
Hmmm.
I’m going to be honest.
I spend the majority of my day with a child attached to me.
Hovering over me. Walking too slowly in front of me. Whining for me to pick her up. Tugging on my clothing. Literally pulling my pants down.
By the end of the night, I don’t want attachment.
I want to be alone.
I don’t want to talk or cuddle or do much of anything.
I also don’t want to fight for the covers or worry about how much noise I’m making.
I don’t want to stress about turning off the light and I don’t want to be woken up or wake someone up by snoring.
I don’t want to hold a fart in all night or let one rip and then flap the covers like I’m playing with that annoying parachute at a Tumble Jungle kids’ birthday party before my husband comes back in the room.
I want peace. And quiet. And space. And privacy.
And it has nothing to do with sex. Or my husband.
I’m all for sex. With my husband.
But then, I want to get a good night’s sleep.
In a girly bed with floral sheets, soft yellow lighting and way too many pillows.
Across the hall.
In my own room.
AMEN SISTER!!!! My daughters and I sometimes go to Open Houses, for fun. We usually go to the ridiculously expensive houses because, hey why not? We went to one a couple of months back, a place in Brookfield called Arundel priced at 1.2 million. It’s on Rte 133 heading towards Bridgewater. OMG!!!! absolutely breathtaking and the best part?! It had 2 master suites. I thought that was fucking genius!!! Told the hubby, next house, that’s right, we’re going to have 2 masters. He wasn’t impressed. It’s ok, he’ll get used to it.
I HAVE SACRIFICED MY BEDROOM FOR MY KIDS FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. MY PLACES ARE SO SMALL I GIVE THEM THE BEDROOMS. I HAVE SLEPT ON THE COUCH FOR MANY MANY YEAR MY BACK HAS PAID FOR IT. I HOPE SOMEDAY THAT WOULD BE VERY NICE…
I created my own “girly” bedroom once the children left home and we had empty bedrooms. My husband took one for an office and I took the other. I never had to share a room as a child and I never liked it as an adult. My husband and I have very different sleeping schedules, he is a night owl and I am early to bed early to rise. We have been together for 24 years and we have slept in our own bedrooms for the last 10. We are very happy and we both sleep great.
I feel ya! My husband and I get along so much better when we sleep apart. He snores SO LOUD and I just need to be alone after a long day with the kids!
How funny! My husband and I were talking about this yesterday! I really love sharing a room with him but he said I move around too much so he prefers the couch. We’re considering upgrading to 2 single beds next to each other so we can be in the same room but not in the same bed. Previously, we had 2 double beds next to each other and it was silly-looking, but divine! Too bad we don’t have room for that now…
Cassidy
http://tuesdaystantrum.blogspot.com/2015/02/what-my-little-blue-dress-means-to-my.html
I’m a single mom, so I have my room to myself. Sometimes I really miss having someone to put his arm around me at night as I’m falling asleep. Mostly, though, I love having it all to myself!
We made a compromise, 1 room with 1 king size bed, but separate 2 mattresses and 2 comforters.
I want a girly bed too! With all the extra, unnecessary pillows! … But my husband wants a boar’s head mounted to the wall and an industrial-sized fan blasting wind all night long.
I’m with you! I always want a “time alone” every night. When no one bothers me, I sleep well. I wake up happy. When anyone bothers me, I wake up cranky. I used to love to snuggle with my husband. Now I hated the idea of sleeping with him nightly. Summers are worse! He must have ceiling fan on at all times when he is in the bedroom. I hate the blowing fan and waking up shivering in the middle of the night. Once, he gave me a black eye. Did I forgive him? Never! (He said he doesn’t know what he was dreaming about…)
Your blog about sleeping separately is so correct and spot on! Why? I can relate to both paternal and maternal grandparents’ sleeping habit. Both have been married more than 40 and 50 years. The rule to long lasting marriage? They both had separate bedrooms!!!!
Now I am dreaming of sleeping by myself every night. I get the thrill when my husband has to work midnight shift. Other than that, there should be a law that couples should sleep separately! (That would be a long shot!)
I’m a horrible night owl. I’ve stopped fighting it. My husband turns into a pumpkin at midnight unless he’s gaming with his buddies. I’d get frustrated when he didn’t stay up late and watch a movie with me. I’m over it. I rather enjoy my quiet middle of the night hours. It’s now almost 7 am and I’m ready for my early morning nap…my kids sleep late of days off which is great.
However the husband still hates that I don’t retire with him at night. Why? So I can sit there and listen to him snore? I did that for a while, and it just irritated me more. There are nights when I’m sitting down in the living room on the opposite side of the house, that I can hear him snoring through the ceiling and walls. I have a Hard enough time sleeping on my own, without having to be repeatedly woken up by a snoring sailor! He’s not a sailor, but it sounds like it! I am glad I am not the only one in this boat. My grandparents were married for 55 years and for 40 of those 55 years, they slept in separate bedrooms — and their marriage was beautiful. We do not have the space for separate bedrooms right now with four kids in the house and four bedrooms, but I think someday I will have that separate bedroom with all the fluffy pillows Dressed in a shabby chic style, just for me. Until then, I will spend my late nights on the couch watching TV and heading to bed about an hour before he gets up.
Everyone’s different. I just couldn’t imagine. 25 years and 4 kids later my husband and I literally count down the hours every day until we will be in bed again, together. Usually intertwined. Lol.. I know. We’re definitly the exception. I love it.
I thought I was the only one who enjoyed the couch alone better than my bed with my husband!! And I sometimes feel like if I’m talking to someone about my sleeping on the couch I have to give a ‘reason’ (bad back, snoring, etc.). But who cares. I enjoy it and sleep much better on the couch! And for no reason other than….no real reason. I just do. Thanks for writing about this. I feel liberated.
I’m a little late to the game but I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this post!! I was beginning to think I was the only one craving alone time and I usually seek that alone time at bedtime. I, too, sleep on the couch most nights.
I strongly relate to this! The absurdity of feeling that I *must* share a queen sized bed with my handsome 6’2″ snoring human furnace of a husband or else something must be wrong with my marriage is astounding! In the winter, on cold nights, I’m happy to snuggle up with him but in the summer I just can’t get to sleep until I go to the guest room or the couch! It definitely doesn’t mean I love him any less, or that I’ve sacrificed sex. While maybe having a king sized bed would help with the summertime discomfort, I also enjoy the idea of having my own space being as cutesy, girly, clean and organized as I want/leave it. I didn’t get to have my own room until I was about 12 years old and I loved it so much, why should I have to sacrifice having my own little space yet again all because of marriage norms? If you have the extra room, why not use it? I feel like this shouldn’t be a taboo, and it definitely shouldn’t be interpreted as a sign that a marriage is headed to danger.
I totally agree! We have 3 kids and grandma lives with us. We have 5 bedrooms and an office. Everyone has their own room. Even my husband shared room with me, but he has his own office. As a mom, I take care of the whole house but never have a single space for myself! Isn’t that ironic?
It is a relief to read this because for the past year I have taken refuge to another bed to be alone as much as possible. My husband calls it 1950’s but 1 in 4 married couples sleep separately! I want my own room refuge from everything and i think that is healthy.