I drank coffee and wine when I was pregnant.

I don’t know if you heard about this, but Pink posted a picture on Instagram recently and she’s pretty pregnant and in the picture she was sitting on the floor of her kitchen in front of the microwave drinking a cup of (decaf) coffee and trying to get through the day. Just like the rest of us.

And, of course, the judgmental mommy shamers came out to attack her for drinking (DECAF!) coffee and not just sitting in front of the microwave, but also for using one!

What. The Fuck.

So I just want to put something out there for any of you who may currently be with child and questioning your every move.

The most important rule to follow?

In my opinion, you need to RELAX!

I followed every single rule with my first pregnancy.

I didn’t drink any caffeine. At all. No booze. No soft cheese or deli meat or anything else that was on the list of shit that was going to cause you to give birth to a kid with two heads.

By the second pregnancy I was having a cup of coffee or two every day, and by the time I was knocked up with Number 7, I was basically doing whatever the hell I felt like.

You know, within reason.

I listened to my body. And I relaxed.

I wasn’t smoking Marlboro reds and shotgunning beers while I was getting x-rays.

I was trying my best to take care of myself and Number 7.

But I also ate nitrates and nuked my food and got manicures and drank unfiltered tap water and enjoyed sushi a couple times and stood near the microwave and (inadvertently) inhaled paint fumes, and by the end of that pregnancy I was enjoying a glass of wine once or maybe even twice per week.

And you know what?

Number 7 is like a fucking superhero. I think she might be invincible.

So take that, sanctimommies.

I am not advising you to be reckless and unhealthy and make stupid decisions when you are pregnant.

But I think more damage is done to your unborn child by stressing out over every single decision you make than by eating a piece of Wunderbar bologna or nuking a cup of coffee in the microwave or drinking one (big ass) glass of Franzia when you are eight months pregnant.

And if you haven’t religiously adhered to every single pregnancy guideline in existence, don’t worry.

Neither have most of the rest of us.

And our kids are just fine.