It’s been a couple months since I decided to stop yelling.
When I made it successfully through the first day I wrote a post about the first yell-free 24 hours, and Scary Mommy published it yesterday.
For the most part, it was well-received.
But there were a whole bunch of haters.
They called me ridiculous.
Sanctimommy.
I used to like this site, and then she started writing posts like this…
Then they really got mean.
The thing that’s wrong with this woman is she had too many kids. What’s wrong with YOU, lady?? Pregnancy…they know what causes that, you know? Geez!
So I stopped reading the comments.
I’m not really phased by them.
The post has been shared over 32,000 time so far.
There is something to be said for that.
But I do want to clarify a few things.
I think there is some sort of misunderstanding out there that by not yelling, I just sit back quietly while the kids systematically destroy the house.
That they are rude and disrespectful and don’t follow the directions and that rather than yell, I just accept their behavior and let them shit all over me.
That couldn’t be further from the truth.
Things haven’t gone all Lord of the Flies around here.
In fact, once I stopped yelling, the opposite happened.
Because I didn’t just stop yelling.
I also stopped with the empty threats and I started following through.
Kindles have been taken away (for days sometimes) and earned back.
Movie nights and birthday parties have been missed.
Rather than yelling, again, about leaving things until the last minute and waiting to ask for something until 9:00 the night before it is due, I just started saying no.
I sent a kid into school without an assignment.
He received the natural consequence for putting stuff off and for going to school without his homework from his teacher.
And his teacher emailed me and thanked me for putting the responsibility on him.
As a result of this shift in tactics, not only has that kid gotten his shit together, so have the other kids.
Because they see that Mom isn’t fucking around any more.
Which is my response to this comment that was also left on Scary Mommy’s Facebook page:
I can ask, explain, redirect etc. nicely for about 10 times on average. It generally gets no results. Then I yell once and things get done. I keep asking them WHY? Why did you wait for me to yell? I don’t want to yell. I want you to listen the first time when I was nice about it.
Why did they wait for you to yell?
Because they could.
Because you gave them 10 chances.
I used to do that.
Repeat myself over and over.
And over.
It sucks.
But when we continue to do it, kids know nothing is going to happen when they don’t comply immediately.
There is no need to.
They’re just going to push it until the yelling starts.
The repeating things ten times and then inevitably yelling became way too tiring for me.
It wasn’t fun.
And I felt shitty when I did it.
Which brings me to my final point.
This may have started out as a holy-shit-I-can’t-believe-my-kid-just-did-that-and-my-kids-are-assholes-and-sometimes-I’m-a-shitty-mom-and-you-are-not-alone-in-thinking-this-mom-thing-totally-sucks-sometimes blog.
Sometimes it still is.
But I will never settle.
Ever.
This is not to say I am striving for perfection.
I don’t want to be perfect.
But I’m not content to stay the person I am now for the rest of my life.
In some areas I am.
In some areas, you will not see change from me.
I don’t think the cursing is going anywhere anytime soon.
I already tried to change that.
And I failed.
Until I make enough money to pay somebody, and I plan on getting to that point soon, my house will never be really clean.
Ever.
I hate cleaning, and it will never be a priority.
I will never make a bento box lunch that looks like a pirate or a Sesame Street character or Hello Kitty or this:
Yes. That is a fucking Mozart bento box lunch.
My time is limited. I’ve got to delegate it carefully.
And to me, those things are not worth the time I would need to devote to them.
Neither is repeating and repeating and threatening and threatening and repeating some more and threatening some more and then finally, yelling.
I will always want to make myself a better person.
I want to be a better mom.
A better wife.
A better daughter and sister and friend.
I want to be a better runner, a better triathlete, a better blogger and a better businesswoman.
I want to evolve.
And as I evolve, so will the blog.
Who knows where it will be a year from now.
So as far as the no yelling goes?
I feel better about myself.
And it has been effective in changing the kids’ behavior.
That’s why I’m still working hard on it.
And it is hard work.
Now the kids aren’t “cured.”
They still resort to old behaviors.
They still push the boundaries and test the limits.
They still annoy the shit out of each other, and me, on purpose.
And there are times when I just don’t have the energy deal.
Where I let them get away with more than I should.
But they are much better than they used to be.
And so am I.
And that’s why I share.
I’m not telling anybody what they should or shouldn’t do.
It’s not for everybody.
I didn’t write about my choice to stop yelling for a look-at-me-I’m-such-a-great-mom reason.
I’m just sharing my experience.
I wrote about it because being a mom is fucking hard.
And sometimes your kids are assholes.
And once I stopped yelling, started keeping my cool, and actually followed through with immediate consequences, my kids became less asshole-ish.
And being a mom became a little less fucking hard.
Which is one of the reasons why I started the blog in the first place.
And that doesn’t really seem ridiculous to me at all.
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yeah the whole “not yelling doesnt work” is crap. It DOES work if you actually HAVE consequences and FOLLOW THRU. Does it work the 1st time? probably not. Does it work the 2nd time? maybe….does it work the 3rd time? most likely. It’s called “reprogramming” you have to reprogram your kids to understand that you will not be yelling but you WILL BE following thru on the consequences….it may take a while.
Let the haters hate (and continue to yell….) at least when your kids are adults they won’t be the ones saying “my mom sure did yell a lot when we were younger and boy did she turn red….hey #4 remember how her vein on her forehead would pop out?”
I found you through Scary Mommy. Love your writing and really feel like you are speaking from my heart!
Thank you so much for sharing. I sobbed for an hour after putting my kids to sleep today due to frustration and guilt. Tomorrow I am going to try this, thank you for giving me a plan and hope.
Just wanted to say that I am about 25 or so years older than you are, Too bad you weren’t around back then when I was raising my 6. I think we would have been good friends. Love your blog and your thinking. Keep it up kid!
Susie,
I thought the piece your wrote for scary mommy was fantastic! It had me laughing out loud reading it because it was so true! As a mum of three kids under 5 years, i feel i spend way too much time yelling. It accomplishes nothing! At the end of the day i feel like a shitty parent and the kids completely tune me out anyway. Good for you! I’m going to give this a try, thanks for sharing your article!
Your blog inspires me. Sorry people are so mean. Insecurity breeds contempt. Keep up the work, Stick to your values. You can never go wrong taking the high road.
THIS IS SO TRUE!!! IT WORKS!!! I can say, as a child who came from a family of “yellers” which makes me innately want to “yell” when I am frustrated, it only works surface level. Your kids don’t actually respect you when you yell. And when they become teenagers, or who knows maybe even earlier, it was teenager age for me, you just stop listening because yelling becomes the norm, and there’s only so loud one can yell. Then what? bottom line, yelling doesn’t increase respect, it is a fear tactic. And what good parent REALLY wants their kid to fear them? We just want them to do the dishes the first time we ask! So how do we actually get respect? What does increase respect is- like you said- set a consequence, and let your kids figure out that you will follow through on the positive AND the negative consequences THE FIRST TIME. FOR REAL. They learn real quick. It’s enabling for kids to not have real consequences follow their decisions, to let them think that they can just keep pushing the bucket, because that’s not how real life works! And when they try that in school or with an employer, you have two choices- enable them and bail them out, or let them learn the hard hard way in the real world how it really works. I’d rather teach that concept at home- small choice by choice- how it works. Oh, you didn’t eat all your dinner? no dessert. Dang I really wanted to give you dessert!! And it sucks to follow through sometimes, but it’s been a MILLION times better and I actually connect with my son now! We talk about choices, good and bad when he makes them and how next time, we can do better, or if he did make a good choice how happy it makes mommy! And yes it takes CONSISTENCY. I have to choose to act this way, I can’t just react anymore! But i’m a big girl now so I can do that lol. And IT DOES PAY OFF!!!! I’m so glad my kid and I have the kind of relationship we do now. It’s taken about a year, but it is more than worth it. we’ve both grown so much and we have a real relationship and I feel like a grown up now when I need to discipline, not a “crazy-mean-mom” with a victim mind set that yelling is my only option. Who knew?! So thank you for posting, more mom’s need to learn this concept, it will make their lives and their relationship with their kids and their kids relationships with their kids, etc, so much more effective! It’s hard, but so worth it.
You should be proud .you are SUCH A GREAT MOM!!” those who are dancing are thought to be insane by those who cant hear the music”
you rock!!
First of all, let people hate. They hate because they are miserable & jealous!!
I love your blog!! I love knowing that I am not the only one that thinks kids are fucking assholes!!
Ok, that’s a joke, but, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one that may not be normal. But you make me feel like my “normal” is good enough!! I look forward to your blog!! & you have inspired me to start my own blog!!!