Extreme Makeover: Pregnancy Edition

Like I said yesterday, I’m contributing to a book about pregnancy written by mommy bloggers. I need to write about the following 5 topics:  conception, the great stuff about being pregnant, the shitty stuff about being pregnant, childbirth, and how life changes after the baby.

I didn’t get anything else done yesteray, so today I’ll tackle the shitty stuff about being pregnant…

We all know the crappy things that are normally associated with being pregnant:   gaining and then trying to lose the baby weight, not being able to get around as easily, mood swings, hemerrhoids, heartburn, etc.

And yes, chances are you will experience most, if not all of those.

But what really sucks about being pregnant, and what no one really tells you, is that you become a case study in extremes.

There are certain events in your life which are usually everyday occurrances that you don’t normally think about.

Once you become pregnant, these events develop a superhuman sense of urgency, and they will need to be addressed immediately.

Three of these events are eating, peeing, and pooping.

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Stan Lee.  He created a lot of the Marvel Comics superheroes.

Well, Stan’s wife must have been pregnant when he developed the Incredible Hulk, because basically, that is a completely accurate depiction of a pregnant woman.

In an interview, Mr. Lee said he came up with the idea for the Hulk when he imagined what would happen to someone who would  become angry and not be able to calm down.

That is a pregnant chick!

When you are pregnant, one minute you will be sitting there in your car, singing along to the radio, and the next minute, you are in imminent danger of crapping your pants.  There is no gradual warning.  It’s all or nothing.

As a result, you will destroy any and all things that slow down your progress or come between you and a bathroom.  You will smash cars. You will demolish buildings.  You will definitely think about killing someone.

And if you want a grilled cheese, or a milkshake, or an entire pizza, and you don’t get it immediately, you will become so enraged that you start popping the buttons off your clothing.  Your husband, fearing for his life, will flee from the house and run at full speed to the store, or McDonald’s, or Dunkin Donuts, or wherever he needs to go in order to save himself.

There is nothing that anyone can do to calm you down except to give you your way.

There is no middle ground.

You go from normal looking pregnant woman to complete psycho instantaneously.

You become the Incredible Bulk.

Now that is a movie I would go see.  Let me tell you, the Avengers have nothing on her.

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