Everything Makes Sense Now

I have never been an organized person.

It’s something I’ve struggled with my entire life.

I want to be organized, but it is SO hard for me.

SO HARD.

It requires massive amounts of mental energy for me to maintain any level of organization.

I can usually last for a couple days and then I’m shot. It’s too tiring and so I take a break from staying on top of stuff and then everything gets out of control.

Then I beat myself up for not being able to stay disciplined and vow never to do it again.

And then I do it again.

Over and over again.

It’s super frustrating because I really don’t function well when my environment is a mess – I get overwhelmed and impatient and irritable.

And often I end up being completely paralyzed.

I’ll know what I need to do but not be able to do anything.

Like I sit in my chair for an hour trying to will myself to just do what I know I need to do. But I can’t figure out how to get started.

Then three hours have gone by and I’ve done absolutely nothing, and I don’t even know how that much time has passed.

And then I beat myself up for being lazy.

But I know I’m not lazy!

For 52 years this is how I’ve existed.

I was the kid whose room was always a mess.

I was the friend whose car was always a total disaster.

And everyone has seen my kitchen sink.

I have the hardest time keeping my sink empty. It requires so much physical and mental energy.

Forget about paperwork. And emails. And returning texts.

I suck so bad at that stuff.

It’s so frustrating.

I’m an intelligent, educated woman with a masters degree in education and I have the hardest time doing stuff that I should be able to do. Easily.

Or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself.

It’s not just disorganization that I struggle with.

I am REALLY GOOD at procrastinating.

I hate it but I’m good at it.

It’s also almost always the only way I can get anything done.

If it’s not urgent, I can’t do it.

So I create these situations for myself where I’m totally stressed because I’ve put stuff off for so long.

And then I vow NEVER to procrastinate again.

Until I procrastinate again.

That’s a cycle I really don’t like either.

But I’ve never been able to break it.

In addition to the procrastination, there is the impulsivity.

I’m a little torn on the impulsivity.

It’s an issue because I decide to do things without thinking them through.

This creates more problems for me.

But…

Sometimes the impulsivity leads to some cool stuff that I wouldn’t have experienced if I had sat and really thought things through.

Like the New York City Marathon.

It was the first time I ever ran a marathon.

The NYC Marathon is the first weekend in November.

On a whim I volunteered to run it in August.

I ran my first marathon with less than four months of training when I was 43.

It was actually one of the most awesome things I’ve ever done.

So the impulsivity is a double edged sword for me.

But I know it’s not good. It creates a ton of stress and it requires lots of energy and then I end up with nothing left over for things I actually need to do.

If you’ve ever listened to me on a Facebook live you know I lose track of what I’m talking about ALL THE TIME.

That is super frustrating.

I am also chronically late.

This one really bothers me.

I haven’t been able to get on top of it no matter how hard I try.

I’ve struggled pretty hard core with organization, time management, procrastination, and impulsivity for my entire life.

What I didn’t realize was that I had managed to create some systems for myself after getting married and having kids.

When the kids were little I didn’t have too much unstructured time available to me.

I was always functioning in some degree of urgency.

It was exhausting but it forced me to be focused, and I was able to be relatively productive.

Over the course of eleven years, I managed to create a few systems that I was able to maintain.

This was the laundry situation for about the first six years I was a parent:

It took me a LONG time to figure out something that worked.

Years.

Then I got divorced and I moved into a new house.

Any routines I had managed to create were demolished.

With the kids at their father’s house every other weekend and on Wednesday nights, I have more free time available to me than I have had in sixteen years.

Plus the kids are all in the double digits and self-sufficient and one even has his license, so I have even more unstructured time.

And I’ve been completely floundering. Like totally flailing.

Incapable of staying focused on anything.

Working so much but producing almost nothing and feeling like a total failure.

Being completely exhausted and having nothing to show for it.

I blamed all of it on the divorce and the emotional stress that accompanies it.

Then a couple months ago I got a message from a good friend.

Have you thought about getting evaluated for ADHD?

A few weeks later I got another message.

I think medication might really help you.

Then I got another message. From a third friend.

Medicine I think could be really life changing for you.

I had never connected all the dots before.

Disorganization. Impulsivity. Procrastination. Inability to focus. Inability to effecively manage time.

Oh yeah.

I didn’t even get to the relationship concerns. Or the issues with substances. Or the being overly sensitive.

I have spent my whole life beating myself up for not being able to do so many things that come easily to other people.

Then I was diagnosed with ADHD.

OH MY GOD.

Everything makes sense now.

EVERYTHING.

I’m not stupid. And I’m not lazy. And I’m not a failure.

I’ve just got ADHD.