A friend posted this on my facebook wall this morning: “Happy Birthday SJ!!! Hope your kids didn’t eat your cake already 😉 ”
Ha. Someone would have to actually make me a cake in order for my kids to eat it. Pretty sure that’s not happening.
And really, I don’t need a cake, because that’s just one more thing I would have to try not to eat. I’ve already got enough shit to stress about.
Instead of a cake, I’d rather have these things:
1. 2 hours, no 3, no 4, fuck it — the whole day alone in my house.
2. I want to take a shower without a 2-year-old staring at me the entire time, pointing, and repeating “Are those your nipples?” non-stop, for 5 minutes.
3. I want to open my closet door and say, “Holy shit, I have so many flattering things to wear in here, I just can’t make up my mind!!!”, and then, when I pick out what to wear and put it on, I want it to be much looser than it was the last time I put it on.
4. Whatever slimming and flattering ensemble I go with, I want to still be wearing it at 6:30 tonight. And I want it to to be food, drool, puke, pee, blood, snot and shit-free.
5. I don’t want anyone to touch me. At all. When I look down, at no point will there be a child on my leg. No one will be attempting to rip the clothes or a limb off of my body.
6. Number 3’s teacher will email me and tell me not to come to Open House tonight. But my parents will still come to babysit. And they will say, “Why don’t you and that hot husband of yours go out to eat for your anniversary? Enjoy yourselves. Don’t rush home. And here’s some cash. It’s on us.”
Yes, it’s also my anniversary.
Okay, so maybe I’ll ammend Number 6. If my husband has to touch me, I guess he can. Everyone else, hands off.
7. I want to kick the ass of all the other pictures in this local photo contest (Number 4 got me into the top 10). Everyone who reads this will click on this link http://brookfield.patch.com/articles/time-to-vote-in-the-back-to-school-photo-contest-de33cff5#photo-11302691 and vote for photo #9…
8. I’ll reach my fundraising goal for the triathalon I am participating in on Sunday. http://pages.teamintraining.org/ct/wchtri12/susiejohnson
9. Since the majority of these things won’t happen, I’d settle for a good hair day 😉
Please wish me a Happy Birthday by clicking on the above banner to register a vote for me! I’m Number 2 in the humor blogs and Number 5 over all! I want to get that Number 1 humor spot and top 3 overall! I need your votes!!!
Thank you!!!
Love your site! Love that you have no filter just like me!! yah there are other moms out there who like to speak their minds just like me!! Hope you had an awesome Birthday!! Another year old and another year wiser!! 🙂
Thank you!
Happy Birthday! I understand every point you made on your list. I would add…”I want to eat entire dinner without getting up 8 times or having a fork thrown at me.”
Thank you! I just eat my dinner after everyone goes to bed — that way I have both hands free to defend myself when the kids are eating 😉
Happy Birthday Susie, from one Virgo to another (mine is tomorrow!),
Mike
Hope you have an awesome day, and get at least a couple of things on your wish list!
1. Happy BD.
2. Happy anniversary.
3. Looking at wish #6, along with the two post-notes, I’m thinking a #8 (child, that is) is possibly in the making tonight.
Have fun!
Happy Birthday! Yoiu are an awesomely funny mom writer who I love to read and see yoiur pics! Youir humor and wise ass attitude is something so many of us can relate to!
First of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Second of all HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! I hope things got better. One birthday I was around my son and my hubby all day long…and neither one said a word..then my family started calling after 9 pm (this was years ago when you waited until after 9 to call when the rates went down..I know..I’m old) then all of a sudden hubby was all about Happy birthday…yeah..too late bubba!! 🙂
Omg…”Are those your nippples?”….fucking hilarious! I was laughing out loud for real and could totally relate! You are so funny and i love your writing style!
Thank you 🙂 My kids provide me with a lot of good material 😉