I may have said this before, but I used to see this therapist.
She was a life changer for me.
And one of the biggest things she taught me was that,
as she put it,
I needed to develop a “teflon coating.”
I used to take everything so personally.
To the point that it was debilitating for me.
Yesterday I wrote a post about the kids doing school work in the summer.
And how I had decided to not force them to do it.
It was overwhelmingly popular and supported by many people feeling the same way.
But not completely supported.
A few weeks ago, I had an Oprah aha moment here on the blog.
Before that moment, I would have taken two of the comments that were written in response to yesterday’s post, and I would have done my best to rip the people who wrote them to shreds.
But it’s not worth the time.
Clearly those two people have never read anything else I’ve ever written.
Trying to blast them wouldn’t do anything. And it’s not the atmosphere I want to create here.
I don’t have a problem with people who disagree with my point of view.
But I do have a problem with people making hurtful personal statements when they don’t know me at all.
Statements like
No wonder this country is the way it is.
and
Please reconsider this vicious attack on teachers and be better models for your children.
Activate teflon coating.
I believe one of the reasons “the country is the way it is” is because people do not know how to voice opinions without being hurtful.
There was someone else who wrote a comment looking at the issue from another point of view.
Without attacking.
And with respect.
But this was the first sentence:
The question you should be asking yourself is, why do you feel threatened by summer reading logs? You clearly feel strongly about this issue, but if you used to be a teacher you probably understand that the purpose of reading logs isn’t to make you feel terrible as a parent; it’s a tool to help parents who are not readers and who didn’t grow up in a household full of books understand how often and for how long their children should be reading, as a baseline.
I agree, that is why summer reading logs were originally started.
But that’s not what they are anymore.
It’s turned into a competition.
There are certificates.
And awards.
And the children who get those things are not the children who need help with reading.
Who struggle.
The kids who get those awards are the really strong readers.
Who already love to read.
If my kids were below grade level in reading,
or writing,
or math,
or anything else,
then of course,
I’d work with them over the summer.
And anyone who knows me knows that.
Anyone who’s ever read more than 3 posts on this blog knows that.
Talk to any of my kids’ former teachers.
They will tell you I am 100% on their side.
They will tell you I take school work seriously.
But I don’t want to force my kids to do things that aren’t required, especially if they don’t need to do them.
And especially in the summer.
We talked about it.
They know they haven’t filled out the logs or completed the packets.
And unlike many other parents,
I’m not going to fill out the logs for them, when I know they didn’t do the work, just so they can get a certificate on the second day of school.
I think THAT is one of the reasons “the country is the way it is.”
Too many rewards.
For not really working.
Parents doing things for their kids because they want them to have what everyone else has.
My kids worked really,
REALLY hard this summer.
At the things they like.
At the things that make them feel good about themselves.
Isn’t that what we want?
Isn’t that what makes you productive at work?
I heard a statistic recently that 80% of adults are very unhappy and dissatisfied in their jobs.
That’s upsetting to me.
That’s no way to live your life.
And I sure as hell don’t want that for my kids.
I’m not teaching them that they have to do things they don’t need to do and be miserable.
I’m not teaching them that once you become an adult, you become a hamster on a wheel.
Sure, sometimes there are things we need to do that we don’t want to do.
But I want my kids to find things that they love to do,
and work really hard to be the best they can be in those things.
When they are adults,
I want them to be happy.
I want them to find a career that they love.
I want them to get up every morning feeling good about where they are going to spend their day.
I want them to feel fulfilled.
I want them to make a difference.
I won’t stifle them.
I won’t force them to do things they don’t need to do.
Why aren’t we looking at children and helping them really develop their strengths?
Why aren’t we encouraging kids to do what they love,
what they are good at,
and what will make a difference in this world?
Sure, you need to fulfill certain requirements.
But if you are already doing that,
then why don’t we help you to excel in the areas you are interested in?
Doing what you like,
working really hard at it,
and doing it really well isn’t a bad thing.
It’s a good thing.
Michael Phelps took a natural ability, and something he loves,
and he ran with it.
He set goals,
and worked his ass off.
All the way to the top.
Right now, Number 4 wants to go to the Olympics.
Number 3?
He wants to play for the Yankees.
If he wants to do that,
then he needs to practice.
Every day.
And be disciplined.
As long as he wants to play for the Yankees,
I will encourage it.
And I will help him get one step closer to that goal.
If they change their mind along the way?
Well, then we’ll readjust.
If I think a reading log is something they need to do in order to achieve that goal,
well,
then I will require them to do it.
If it’s something they want to do, and it’s a healthy activity,
I’ll encourage that too.
I want to help them find their own way.
Not force them down a path.
Because THAT,
right there,
is another reason why I think “the country is the way it is.”
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Amen! I agree 100% and LOVE your blog. Keep doing what you are doing 🙂
Thank you for this post. I agreed with the post prior to this one, about the summer work load not being a priority. My son reads on his own, and my kids ask me to read to them. They chose to be part of the library reading program on there own, I asked if they wanted to do it, and 2 out of 3 decided to do it. I did not force the 3rd child to do it, it was up to them. We learned math skills by experience, not on paper and social skills as well. Rather than pushing my daughter to learn writing skills I let her write letters to her friends because she wanted to, not because I wanted her to. American Parents push our kids to be the All American well rounded kid, but what we need to be doing is helping with what is lagging and at the same time let them find the strengths and run with it. I get a lot of flack for letting my kids be kids, letting them be free spirits,
All kids have one thing they love and other things they dislike, our goal as a parent is to make sure they can do the things they love and still find a way to teach the things they hate in a way that is relaxed, not pressured and let them understand that to do what you love may also require a skill that you don’t always enjoy doing, but if we work on the skills together we can still work on your passion. I think you are doing a wonderful job, and I applaud you on what you are doing as a mom.
I completely agree! My soon to be second grader told me she didn’t feel like doing her summer reading PROJECT. I told her it was her decision but also that she is the one who is going to have to explain it to her brand new teacher!
Agreed Susie! And thank you for not doing the work for them. I’d rather my boys go it without their homework completed then with my work turning it in as their own, it’s called plagiarism, and parents really shouldn’t do that!
Last year (after being Mom to eighteen children so far, 4 biological, 4 adopted, and the rest foster kids) I finally had the guts to tell all the kids’ teachers that I was not going to do any assignments that were assignments for ME. I already attended 12 years of high school and 6 years of college. For over 30 years I’ve been doing my kids’ homework and I wasn’t going to do it anymore. For example, I wrote in my email, the project where I had to take my son all around our town (which is 5 miles from our house), photograph community landmarks, develop the photos, and make a poster board about our community. Since our 9 year old doesn’t drive, doesn’t own a camera, and can’t develop the pictures, I explained, the only thing this assignment taught him is how to glue photos on a poster board, which he could already do before. I won’t fill out reading logs either, I told them, because we don’t have TV or video games, my Masters degree is in literacy, so the teachers have to trust me when I say that we read daily. The 5 year old can’t fill out the reading log himself; therefore, it will not be returned completed.