Dear Not Your Average Mom…

I am  44 years old.

I’ve been married.

And then divorced.

And then married again.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression.

Borderline personality disorder.

I’ve been in the nuthouse.

Twice.

I’ve done drugs.

I’ve drank to excess.

More than once.

I’ve cheated on boyfriends.

And been cheated on by boyfriends.

I’ve been a good friend.

And a bad one.

I’m raising seven children.

Two of them are stepsons.

I’ve had very easy births.

And one almost deadly one.

I’ve had kids who were really good babies.

And really impossible babies.

I’ve lost a baby brother to leukemia.

I’ve been a good friend, and a bad one.

A good wife, and a bad one.

I’ve been a serious athlete.

And a serious smoker.

I’ve fallen on some really hard times financially.

Now I don’t have a degree in psychiatry or nutrition or parenting or sports psychology.

But I’ve been around the block.

I haven’t done it all.

But I’ve done a lot.

Been through a lot.

And people write in asking me for advice on occasion, because they know, at least on some level, I’ve been there, or I can relate.

So I’m starting an advice section of the blog.

A while back someone wrote me with this question:

Without getting too personal, how do you find quality time with your husband. Most days I think I’m an ok mom and and okay at my job, but in those same days I think I’m a lousy wife and jut don’t feel the energy for my husband. So frustrating. I recognize part of it is my current feelings about my body, etc. which I’m trying to take baby steps to improve but wonder if you have any suggestions, etc knowing you have 5 more kids than us …

I responded with this post.

It was my first bit of advice.

Now I’m not entirely sure how it’s going to work. I’m still working out the kinks, but I had this question on the Facebook page the other day that I thought I would address:

How do you correct a child who decides to read into the night instead of going to sleep? Don’t want to discourage reading. Help!

Here is what I think.

I don’t think punishments really motivate kids to do anything differently.

I’m not saying they aren’t necessary or useful.

But I think time outs are kind of a joke. As far as changing behavior.

I use a time out more for myself.

So that I don’t strangle my child.

Or spew forth a bunch of empty threats.

I think the most effective thing you can do to change a child’s behavior is to reward him or her when she is doing something you like.

But I also think it’s one of the hardest things to do.

For some reason, it seems more natural to a lot of us to point out all the things our kids are doing wrong.

I know I still point out the bad stuff more than the good stuff.

To help me and my kids, I have found sticker charts to be really effective.

They force me to reward the kids for doing the things I want them to do.

You know, to catch them being good, as opposed to just yelling when they are doing something wrong.

It takes a little work on the front end to make the chart or set up the system, but it’s worth it in the end.

It’s surprising how quickly the behavior changes.

I don’t know how old your child is, but my suggestion would be to set up some sort of reward system.

Here is an example of one I used with Number 3 when he was having trouble with following the directions and speaking respectfully.

The important thing is to start with a quick reward. Something your child is motivated to work for.

For Number 3 right now, he would definitely work in the short term for time on my iPad.

So once he got a certain number of stickers, say 5 to start with, he would get 15 or 20 minutes on the iPad.

Over the course of time, he would need to earn more stickers to receive a reward.

Eventually, the goal is to have the behavior occur without the sticker chart at all.

And it doesn’t have to be a sticker chart.

It could be a jar that you fill with marbles.

Anything where you can quantify the good behavior.

And make a big deal out of it! Your child will want to do it again!

So your child really likes to read.

You could offer the reward of a new book at the end of the week for turning off the lights and putting the book away by a certain time.

Or an extra 30 minutes of reading time at night on the weekend, or something along those lines if he or she puts the book away by whatever time you determine is the time for lights out.

That may not be short term enough. You may need to find something else as a more immediate reward the next morning.

But that’s where I would start.

Hope that helps…let us know how it goes.

Anyone else have suggestions?

Feel free to leave them in the comments!

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