The other day I received a message on the Facebook page from a reader. I asked her if I could publish it anonymously, and write my response in a post.
Because I don’t think she is alone.
At all.
Here is what she wrote (published with permission):
| Today I read your “Have you moved out of your comfort zone?” post. That is the ONLY reason I have enough gumption to email you. I don’t have 7 kids. I don’t have a job. (Other than stay at home mom) I don’t really have any excuses for what I am going to ask you…. Our eldest son has down syndrome. He’s almost 3 and has the mentality of a 6 month old…so say the docs. Our next son, IS 6 months old. My husband has no license so at 4 am we take him to work and at 6 pm we pick him up. He doesn’t make enough to support us, but I can’t get a job because no daycare wants my son because of his “Liability”…. ….I’m 5’8″ and I weigh 155lbs. I hardly ever eat and when I do…it’s stuff that is SOO not good for you. I don’t exercise. I don’t sleep. I feel like a single mom to two babies and a teenager. I feel fat. And undesirable and just a fucking mess. My own mom is busy doing her own stuff (I’m the fuck up kid so my family pretty much disowned me early on) so I really don’t have anyone else to ask…… How the hell did you have 7 kids, stay happily married, and get back in shape? And you seem pretty happy. I’m lost and I have no clue what to do next other than just say screw it all and just get super fat and lazy. HELP. Any advice you have I would love to hear. Thank you, in advance. |
Okay.
First, let me say that I have no degree in psychology or counseling or anything like that.
But I have had my fair share of ups and downs. So I will share my thoughts with you.
Before I do that, also know a couple things about me:
There is not one perfect thing about my life. It is messy a lot of the time. Most of the time.
My marriage is far from perfect. My kids are far from perfect. I am far from perfect.
And I can relate 100% to how you are feeling.
My details aren’t the same as yours.
But my feelings have been.
I have felt overwhelmed and exhausted and unattractive and ready to just give up.
Many, many times.
And at one point things got so bad and I was so out of control, that with four little kids at home, I downed a whole bottle of Xanax and ended up in the ER and then the looney bin at the hospital for a couple days.
Trust me.
That is not a place you want to be.
I guess you could say that was my hitting bottom.
So once that happened, I made a commitment to work out and lose weight.
Working out keeps my brain healthy.
And on those days that I just want to curl up in the fetal position in the corner of the bathroom — yes, I still have days like that every once in a while — I think about the kids.
What kind of mom do my kids deserve?
Well, not one who is not taking care of herself.
So, all that being said, I think there are a lot of things that can help you.
There are many things I think would make life more bearable for you. Especially right now with your hands full with two little guys.
Time for yourself and exercise would help.
But, based on your message, I think you need something else before you can get to those.
Three things, actually.
First, you need help.
And not like therapist help (although I’m a huge proponent for finding a great therapist).
I mean, you need someone to help you.
And I know you don’t have money and you don’t have family near you.
But it’s not impossible.
I don’t know how long you’ve been following my blog.
But about a year ago, I was on the verge of another breakdown.
We have had tremendous financial difficulties for a couple years now.
That, in combination with a bunch of other stuff had me teetering on the brink of insanity.
Again.
And a friend, someone who I also met through this blog, someone who I’ve never actually met in person, sensed all this.
Through the internet.
And she pretty much orchestrated an intervention from across the country.
She lives in California, and I live in Connecticut.
It was pretty amazing.
And once that happened, my life changed.
Once I opened up, and allowed myself to be really vulnerable, and started not just asking for as much help as I could get, but also accepting all help that came my way, my life totally changed.
My money problems didn’t go away. But the stress of carrying the world on my shoulders did.
My support system grew exponentially. And I had some relief.
You need some relief.
I don’t know what your friend situation is where you live.
But I do know that before my kids were in preschool, I felt pretty much on my own.
Alone.
I hadn’t met too many other moms, and I hadn’t really made any friends. So I can imagine you are in that situation right now.
But I know you are on Facebook since you sent me a message.
So my first suggestion would be to contact as many friends as you can on Facebook. And then be honest.
You don’t have to share every single detail. But tell them you are struggling. Tell them you need help. Badly.
They will help you.
People like to help. They will say, “What can I do?”
So don’t be shy. In fact, have a list ready.
Tell them what the biggest things you need help with are. Is it babysitting? Getting meals prepared? Laundry?
And then you’ve got to give up some control.
If a friend offers to come watch your kids for you, accept the help. Even if that person has never hung out with your kids alone.
They will all be fine.
But if you do not get a break, you won’t.
The second thing you need is sleep.
I had a therapist once who told me that sleep is the zamboni for your brain.
Once you are in chronic sleep deprivation mode, your brain just can’t function the way it needs to. Or the way it should.
You need to find a way to get some more sleep.
The driving your husband to work at 4 am can’t be helping that.
And it’s got to be affecting the kids, too.
I don’t know what the details are behind your husband not having his license.
But it would certainly help if he had one.
And if that’s not possible, well, it’s time to do some brainstorming.
There has got to be another way to get him to work without the whole family having to go too.
It’s got to be pretty much impossible to get your kids on a schedule if you have to drag them out of bed every morning at 4 am.
And then, the third thing.
The third thing is that you need to accept that you can only change yourself. I hope for your sake and for your kids’ sake that your husband gets himself healthy.
But there is a good chance he won’t.
And there is zero chance that you can make him change.
It’s got to come from him.
So you need to focus on you, because as one of my yoga teachers says, “You are the most important person in your life.”
You gotta take care you.
Those two little guys are counting on you.
And that brings me back full circle to my first suggestion.
Ask for help.
Ask for what you need so that you can take care of yourself and so you can take care of your kids.
Do what it takes. I have asked for all sorts of shit.
Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there is not easy.
But neither is going through life feeling fat and undesirable and out of control and like a fucking mess.
(By the way, on a side note, 5’8″ and 155 is not fat. Not even close.)
You’ve already made the first step. You reached out to me, and that didn’t turn out too badly.
Now you just need to do it again.
But whatever you do, please don’t say Screw It.
Your kids deserve better than that.
And so do you.
Is it possible to publicly say where this woman lives? I’d help her if I can in some way–maybe we live In the same city
I don’t live in a city. I live in a VERY small town in Virginia. But I’ll take your support and guidance if you have any to give.
Lost, could you please email me at dlf@live.se? I’d like to send you something.
I am not sure if she is reading this but I wanted to tell her to call her elementary school, the one her kids would go to if they were old enough. The special ed coordinater in her district can help. I am in Texas and here it is called ECI. She probably qualifies for the preschool in the district. They specialize in learning differences from down syndrome to autism. It is a great program and is free. I am praying for you!! Please call them…it saved me.
He’s not old enough. But thank you. When he’s ready he’ll start school but until then we do therapy at home and at the childrens hospital.
My heart really goes out to this reader. I am so glad she reached out to you.
If she reads this, I want her to know that I will be praying for her. For anyone else who reads this, the strength of prayer in numbers would do a wonderful thing for her family. I hope she knows that a prayer support network can help tremendously (on top of the great ideas written in this post). I hope that if she hasn’t already, she is praying for her family and her husband’s well-being. That is the first step to making the situation a little bit better.
P.S.
She’s not alone in feeling like she doesn’t have it all together.
God bless,
Cassidy Cruise
Tuesday’s Tantrum
http://tuesdaystantrum.blogspot.com/2015/01/5-ways-to-stay-sane-when-raising-big.html
Great job reaching out on this blog! Here are some ideas to allow you to get help locally:
CHURCH- even if you’re not religious, in general people who go to church are of the mindset to be helpful. I grew up in the Episcopal church and I find the people to be kind, warm and the type to help.
Contact your local SCHOOL DISTRICT- if you’re son is 3 and has Down syndrome they are required to provide free school/support services. There he will get help and you can meet other parents with similar experience raising a child with special needs.
THE LOCAL LIBRARY- likely they have a free weekly story time for little ones as young as your youngest. This will give you an opportunity to get out (your other son would be welcome at the story time too while you work to line things up with the school) and meet other moms and caregivers. Once you attend for a few weeks you’ll likely see some people repeatedly and you can get to know them and start to build a network of “mom friends”.
Remember once you get to know people and they offer help, it’s ok to say yes. When you thank them, you will see that helping you also makes them feel good. Everyone benefits.
Try really hard to start looking into these options and getting out of the house with the little ones. It’ll feel challenging at first, but I think the benefits are well worth it to you in the long run.
Best of luck!! I will be praying for you and sending lots of thoughts for strength and energy to you!
I recently joined the local chapter of the International MOMs Club which has saved me from myself. Perhaps she can check if there is a local chapter in her area (they are in every state and most large cities and many small towns). It is a support group for stay at home moms and I have made great friends, but more importantly have developed an amazing and reliable support network. I highly recommend it as an avenue to find the support she needs. If I knew how to post a link from this silly iPad, I would…but it is easily found on google search. I am sending prayers as well….hang in there, mama. You are stronger than you know.
Thank you Tara. 🙂 So it’s not just me lol.
I live halfway around the world from you. But I appreciate the offer all the same.
Lost my email is taralclinton@hotmail.com feel free to reach out for friendship or support.
What a huge burden.
My niece has down syndrome and my brother/sister in law are extremely involved with their local support organization. There are some amazing resources out there. You don’t have to do it alone and you can find people, likely very close to you, who know what it is to have a down syndrome child.
My first thought though, was that even though you say you’re the ‘black sheep’ and your parents have ‘disowned’ you. No parent ever stops loving their child, and all grandparents love their grandchildren. No matter what is said or done. Swallow pride, suck it up, apologize (if it’s due, and really even if it’s not) and ask for help. All they can do is say no, but they might say yes.
Jessica each situation is different. My parents aren’t bad people. They love me. They love my kids. But they keep their distance. When I really need their help they will. But it’s more work and causes me more guilt than anything. Have you ever had someone do something for you and then remind you they did it every few days. It’s a little upsetting and makes you want to never ask them for anything again.
I am involved in the International Down Syndrome Coalition. The closet group is 2 hours away and when I have time or the energy we go up for the meetings. But it’s real far specially since my youngest hates to ride in a car.
And btw if you mean my eldest is a burden thats not true. My son is the smallest problem I have. He makes me smile when I can’t find any happiness. He holds my hand when I get upset. He kisses my fingers whenever he’s lonely. He’s shown me an unimaginable amount of love and kindness. If anything I owe him my life.
Hi Lost,
Consider this the year you will be found, and not lost anymore. I get it, we all have been in a life situation that has been extremely difficult and heartbreaking. But you have the power of change. First, get in touch with your public school, they have early intervention programs that your baby will be qualified for, I know, because I work in early intervention preschool, and LOVE it! There you will meet an amazing team of teachers and parents that will help with your support through program’s that are available to you. Most times there is also a summer program that continues on the early intervention. It is work and maybe a lot of phone calls to get the services you need, but the services exist and you will find them be persistent, you are your child’s advocate. Be a pain in the ass, until you get what you need. I live near Boston, but tell me what you need to get the ball rolling, I am here, I hear you and I will do what I can to help.
It sounds like you have already tried or thought about so many things already. You are brave for telling your story and for reaching out….even if its to strangers. I wish there was a way I could help. The advice you have been given already is great. I agree that your health and getting enough sleep is important. Can you look into getting some type of public assistance- Foodshare (FKA Foodstamps), Medical assistance etc…I don’t know whats offered in Virginia, or you might have already tried this or are receiving help. I would try to focus on one small thing at a time. Help with your children would be so great for you. If you seek out a church even if they are an hour away, share your story and see if you can get help with the kids/taking your husband to work. or at least something, I feel as if it would help. Have you thought about relocating? If you own a house, I understand that without money, that is often times not an option. If you are renting, finding the money for a down payment on a place and the cost of moving might be more of a possibility. If you move closer to better resources/ closer to your husbands work- so that he could walk/bike etc…that might be helpful too…I’m just trying to think of ideas. When I’ve been in a crisis, I somehow find my way out, by making a change, taking a leap of faith and asking for help. I hope you find answers and strength to hold on and push through these very hard times. I feel for you.
Hi,
I am an Occupational Therapist and have worked in a Pre School Special Education classroom for 20 years. Your pediatrician should be able to recommend support for you and your son through the local county intermediate unit. They are required to provide programming, therapists and support for you. The Down Syndrome Support community to VERY active and VERY strong throughout the US. Your son deserves these services and supports and is entitled to receive them. Our intermediate unit and school districts (southeastern PA) also provide bussing to and from these classrooms to home. Please check out these services, not only will your son benefit but they will provide you with a support group too. Take one day at a time.
Lost, as I write this, I have no advice, no suggestions, no magic potion or silver bullet. Just love and support from a stranger who hopes you find some comfort, peace and support (and rest) before too long. I was struck by the fact that your initial post/email sounded so desperate and at-your-wits-end (which I am sure you are) but your replies to others on this post have been articulate, composed, self-affirming, kind to your husband, parents and kids, and full of ways in which you ARE doing good things. My sense is that BOTH parts are your truth– you ARE at your wits end, feeling fat, exhausted, overwhelmed, disconnected from the person you want to be AND a great mom, advocate for your kids, smart, kind and patient (anyone who has been an LPN for with those with dementia must be!), self-aware and strong. I hope you will continue to ask for help (which you ARE doing, including sending the initial email among other things you shared with us), are as kind to yourself as you are to others, and try to believe others when they say things will get better (even if you can’t see/believe it right now). There is a Mother Theresa quote that I love: “I know God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.” Please go snuggle your sweet children and look in their eyes as they stare back at you. Know that the person you see reflecting back is who they see every day…undoubtedly a beautiful woman inside and out.
I believe a lot of mothers smile to hide the pain. It’s easier than dealing with it. The truth is life is hard, everyone struggles in their own way. What might look like an ideal situation on the outside might feel like hell to the person living it. I don’t have any answers, just know you are not alone, there’s a whole country of “lost” mom’s our there and even though I don’t know you, i Empathize with you. Sending a big hug from NE.
also I think the main point of your question is how are we all happy when you are not. The truth is no one is happy all the time as you know. We all have our own personal heartaches and troubles. There is no quick fix to anything. I think the people who seem the happiest are the ones who made please with their choices or made peace with where they are in their life. I think for you happiness will come as you make decisions about your marriage, about your living situation, about your lack of job about the options for your children. No one can make you happy…. only you can. It’s your responsibility and its not a small one. Happiness takes a lot of fling work.
Thank you. That was probably the nicest smack in the face yet. Lol. I needed that.
🙂 you just helped me a lot. in the two minutes it took to read that I think it clicked. Your so right. I’m a little speechless and…dumbfounded. Thank you so much Veronica.
If it helps I had that smack I the face just a few weeks ago. I just had a moment of personal crisis where ir realized I wasn’t happy and hadn’t been in a while. The next thought was that the woman I was 10 years ago would be sad to see me today and the hardest thought to swallow was: if my daughter felt this way I’d feel so crushed that she’d allowed herself to get to this place…. so, point taken. Get happy. Now. Cause no one is going to do it for you. Not now. Not ever. The other thing that’s been hanging over my head: this is it. You only get one life. One chance. Do you like cheesecake more than being thin? Ok. Do you like staying with your shitty spouce more than moving on. OK. Just be okay, really, deeply, truly ok, with the choices you make. Then own them. Stand up proud and say: yup, he’s a shot husband but the sex rocks and when he’s good it’s gooooood, so I’m staying. Or, yup, I’m 10 pounds over weight but i love cake and butter and bacon and who gives a fuck? Just own who you are. Nope, not easy. Nope. Not always fun. But you know what it *always* is? Freeing.
And here’s the flip side: if you are responsible for your own happiness that means you are not and CANNOT be responsible for anyone else’s. Not your husband. Not your kids. Not your mom. No one. Just you. Let that sink in, cause when it hit me? Changed. My. Life.
http://eepurl.com/baInN1 YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I hope this little bit of encouragement will help you today. I can’t count the number of days I have felt and many others I’m sure have felt the way you are feeling. I’ve had plenty of days I struggled to get out of bed, to get dressed, to eat…etc. I’ve cleaned my floors only to have my kids spill something on them right after I did. I’ve asked myself how am I supposed to work, go to school, take care of my kids, clean my house, run errands…and still breathe?! But I was able to. It has taken time but I feel when I face the challenges before me, my attitude has become more of a fighting spirit, than one that wants to curl up and hide. It feels good to overcome struggles. I just do what I can, and that is all I can do. I do find time each day to try to let my loved ones know how much they mean to me and still look for ways to make sure I take care of myself. I do try to find encouragement and help from others because I do usually put myself last and I definitely can’t do it all by myself. It does sound like you have a lack of balance in your family, you should be able to hold your partner up when they are struggling to stand but they need to be able to get on their feet and when the time comes hold you up should you need them to. I will be praying for you. As you can see we all need each others support and even just something as simple as reading a “cool, fun, funny, and very REAL” online blog can turn into a lifeline.
Good luck!! you have a lot of challenges and a lot of grit. Thanklessly trying to make someone else happy is a hard habit to break, but you can do it. if you’re going to spend all that energy trying to make someone happy, it might as well be you, because you’ve got the best shot of success that way :-). and your kids need a strong momma!
Mf. Do you have an email address?
MF — If it’s okay with you, I’d like to give Lost your email address. Not sure if that’s the correct one and if it’s okay with you… Can you email me at susie@not-your-average-mom.com?
You just have to do it. You don’t find the strength, you don’t suddenly find something in yourself that wasn’t there before. You decide you need to leave, and you go IN SPITE of your feelings for him, your need to stay, your fear of leaving. You force yourself to go because you know what happens if you stay, and you know you need to leave. So you decide, you pick a day, and you go. And it’s hard. But you’re strong.
Thank you for sharing this, Lost, and Susie. It hits so close to home with me, it’s scary. The situation is different, but the emotions are so similar…. I don’t have the grace that you do, though, Lost. I admire that in you.
I’ve had ups and downs in my life as a mother, and right now I’m in the middle of a big fat down. But I have had some experiences that might help you. I left a bad relationship, and if you want to talk about how that went, you’re welcome to email me. I felt exactly the same way you seem to feel – I thought it was impossible. In fact, it was made even more challenging by the fact that I was living with his mother at the time, but I did it. And so can you. catchmyfire@gmail.com