Last week I asked this question on the Not Your Average Mom Facebook page:
Here are the answers I received:
- willing to jump in the trenches with you
- speaks respectfully
- uses a sense of humor
- offers to help
- offers guidance
- teaches you
- admits when she is wrong
- acknowledges your contributions
- asks for input
- values your opinion
- patience
- interested in my life outside of work
- focuses on the things you do well
- receives constructive criticism/feedback without getting defensive
- consistent
- respectful
- ego in check
- team player
- no micromanaging
I think very often as parents, we think of ourselves more as drill sergeants than leaders.
Our goal is to have our kids obey.
We demand.
Go clean your room.
We order.
Get that out of here.
We shame.
What is wrong with you? What the heck were you thinking?
We humiliate.
Are you insane?
We compare.
Why can’t you be more like your sister?
We do this stuff because that’s what was modeled for us or that’s what we were taught was most effective somewhere along the way.
But look back up at that list of traits and behaviors of a good boss/leader/supervisor.
Nobody who left a comment wrote ordering, demanding, shaming, humiliating or comparing.
Sometimes our kids act like real a-holes and we don’t know why.
It’s not because they’re a-holes.
It’s because their leader is an a-hole.
Okay, you aren’t an a-hole.
But you are leading like one.
Because you aren’t leading with the traits of the leaders we respect up above.
Imagine if your boss spoke to you like that.
Imagine if, he or she said,
Go to your office. Right. Now.
You’d be like, Hey Karen. Go fuck yourself. Right. Now.
Imagine if you boss said,
What the hell is wrong with you?
You’d be like Hey Sharon, what the hell is wrong with YOU?
Imagine if your boss said,
Why can’t you be more like… Susie? 😜
You’d be like,
Why don’t you go fuck yourself?
So often our kids are telling us to go fuck ourselves (not in so many words) because we aren’t exhibiting any of the characteristics that we look for in good leaders.
Just because your kids are kids doesn’t mean they deserve to be treated differently than anyone else.
And when you change your approach and your leadership style, you’ll often see a significant change in your kids’ performance, attitude, and behavior.
I struggle with this still. I’ve come a long way, but it’s easy for me to fall back into being a dictator rather than a leader.
I’m much better at catching and redirecting myself before I approach Gordon Ramsey levels of parenting than I was ten years ago.
By the time the kids are all out of the house, I should have it nailed!
HA!
If your kids are reacting in ways you aren’t happy with, take a look at how you are leading.
Then take a look at the list above, make some adjustments, and try again.
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