Cause I’m cool like that. At least, I used to be.

I used to be the cool teacher.

The one with the cool clothes.

The one who dressed up like Brittany Spears for Halloween,

and called the kids “Dude,”

and said things like,

“Do you dig?”

The one who knew the lyrics  to all the current songs and could identify any singer/rapper/actress/model on any page in Us magazine.

Without reading the captions.

So when I had kids, I knew I would be the cool mom.

I was not going to let some baby affect my…

coolness.

I would still have matching bras and panties from Victoria’s Secret.

I would still watch MTV, have a kick-ass wardrobe, and read Cosmo.

I would not say

because I said so.

or

I’m going to count until 3.

or

wait.

until.

your.

father.

gets.

home.

I would not clench my teeth and give…

the Mom glare.

I would be such a cool mom, I wouldn’t have to resort to any of that shit…

The underwear was the first to go.

Followed quickly by MTV.

I couldn’t tell you what city the last Real World took place in.

Which, sadly, really depresses me.

Us magazine was the next thing to fall by the wayside.

A couple days ago, when I wrote this post, I referenced,

gulp,

Woman’s Day.

I used to rag on my mother for reading that.

Big time.

And now I don’t just read it.

I subscribe to it.

So, I am now approaching the final stages of

Mom without one shred of coolness remaining in her.

Last week, I posted this on the facebook page:

Just found $20 in a jacket pocket.

Woohoo!

So what do I do with it?

1) buy gas

2) buy a decent bottle of wine

3) buy 2 cheap ass bottles of wine

I’m thinking this is a case of quantity, not quality.

So most people said to go with option #3.

But one person said this:

pop some tags

I had no idea what the fuck that meant.

Totally clueless.

And I thought to myself,

Lady, it’s not a funny comment if it’s so obscure that nobody knows what the hell you mean.

But then someone liked that comment.

And so did someone else.

And someone else.

Until 6 people had liked it.

And then someone else, who didn’t see that comment,

wrote the same thing too.

What the hell?

What the fuck does pop some tags mean???

So,

I had to ask.

My coolness tank was officially at an all-time low.

Well,

it’s a song.

That way-cooler-mom-than-me posted a link to it.

And if you are in the same boat as me but haven’t had to…

come out yet,

I will save you.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis sing that song.

“Sing” that song, I should clarify.

And if you are thinking,

“Who the fuck is that?”,

well,

I don’t really know either.

But apparently just about everyone else does.

So here’s their picture.

I know.

A white, gingy “rapper” who thinks he’s a bad ass.

Hilarious.

But still,

if you want to be cool,

I guess you need to know who these two dudes are.

Dropping their name should earn you at least a couple cool mom bonus points.

I’m not going to tell you what pop some tags actually means, though.

Being cool takes effort.

You’ll have to google it yourself.

So I’m trying to come to terms with my current status.

And the lack of coolness in it.

I think I’ll learn to accept it.

But, if the day comes that you see me wearing Mom jeans,

well,

just shoot me.

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