Calling Dr. Bombay! Calling Doctor Bombay! Emergency! Come right away!

When Number 4 was a couple months old, she got croup.

She woke up in the middle of the night making sounds you only hear in the Arctic Circle.

It was a little unsettling.

Okay.

A lot unsettling.

In fact, it scared the shit out of my husband. I remember exactly where he was standing in the hallway and the look of complete panic on his face while he waited for me to get off the phone with the on-call doctor.

We quickly learned there was nothing really to be done.

The sounds coming out of this little baby were impressive.

And scary.

But they were normal.

Her bark was way worse than her bite.

We’ve had many more instances of croup since then.

There’s no more bother with calling the doctor.

I know what they’re going to say. If it’s in the winter, take her outside. Let her breathe some cool air. That will help. Put her in a steamy bathroom. Place a humidifier as close to her face as possible. Blah. Blah Blah.

When you have a baby, they also tell you to call the doctor any time your kid has a fever.

Any time.

If I did that, I’d speak to the doctor more than I speak to my own husband.

When Number 4 was a about 2, she had a pretty high fever. About 104 degrees.

I gave her ibuprofen, and her temperature went down. But the fever stayed around for a couple days. As soon as the medicine wore off, the fever would return.

On the fourth day, it was gone.

On the fifth day, it came back. So I called the doctor and I brought her in.

What did he say?

This is normal. It’s not unusual for a kid this age to have a fever of up to 104 for 5 days in a row.

If it’s not gone in 2 days, bring her back in.

5 days in a row? What the hell?

Grrr. Another wasted trip to the doctor’s office.

But I learned something about fevers.

Number 4 has actually taught me a lot.

She’s like a little walking med school.

The December after she turned two, we had another incident.

I have those stocking holders from Pottery Barn that are letters that spell out words.

Like this:

They weigh a ton.

I never actually kept the stockings on them, because Number 4 was at that age where she would pull on the stockings. I didn’t want one of those suckers to fall on her head.

But one day I hung up the stockings, placed the kids in front of the fireplace, and took our Christmas card picture.

Of course, when I was done, I forgot to take the stockings down.

And, of course, Number 4 pulled one down, and one of those PEACE letters smashed right onto her head.

She got a bump the size of an egg on her forehead.

And not like a chicken egg.

It was more like an ostrich egg.

It was huge.

It scared the crap out of me.

I called the doctor.

I spoke with a nurse and explained the situation.

Is she conscious?

Yes, she was definitely conscious.

Is she acting like her normal self?

Yes, yes she was.

Is she bleeding from her ears?

From her ears?

No, no bleeding from the ears.

Well then she’s fine. It’s just a hematoma.

Oh.

Okay.

She looked like she was harvesting skin for a new body part on her forehead, but it was no big deal.

Another lesson learned.

We’ve had several hematomas since then.

In fact, Number 7 may be Princess Hematoma for Halloween.

I just check for bleeding ears, get an ice pack, and go on with my day.

So I’ve dealt with many coughs.

Many fevers.

Many bumps.

We are venturing into rashes now.

Last week I took… surprise…

Number 4

to the doctor again.

She developed this rash on her stomach.

All over her stomach. And a little on her back. She looked like she was wearing a rash bathing suit.

She had it for a couple days.

But it wasn’t bothering her.

It wasn’t itchy.

It didn’t hurt.

I thought maybe it was from her bathing suit.

I waited a couple more days, and it didn’t go away, so I made an appointment to see the doctor.

I don’t remember what they said it was called.

But it was some sort of viral rash.

The treatment?

There is no treatment.

You just have to wait for it to go away.

How long do you have to wait?

Well, I was given the very technical answer of,

a long time.

Now I’m not claiming to know near as much as a doctor.

Or a nurse.

But two years into the seventh kid, I’ve seen a lot.

I’ve gotten pretty good at knowing when I have to go to the doctor, and when I don’t.

I know when my kid is acting off. When something just doesn’t seem quite right.

And when she’s okay.

When Number 3 had his sledding incident and his nose was located in a new place on his face,

I knew we needed some medical attention.

When Number 4 fell off her bike and her elbow was bigger than my husband’s?

Off to the doctor.

But a rash isn’t going to send me running to the doctor immediately.

I’ve learned to give things some time.

Not to rush to the doctor at the first sign of something.

If I don’t need to give my kids medicine, I don’t. If they are not uncomfortable, I will leave things alone and wait a little while.

When I was in high school, I got this rash on my face. It looked awful. My friend’s mom gave me some cortisone to put on it.

The rash was almost entirely gone the next day.

I didn’t use any more of the medicine. And then the following day the rash started to come back.

I put some more of that cortisone cream on.

It went away again.

That cycle continued for a couple days until I was eventually reapplying the cream a couple times a day.

And then,

the cream didn’t work.

At all.

I had built up a tolerance.

I went to a dermatologist who told me I shouldn’t have used it in the first place.

So I learned a lesson about applying things to my body when I don’t really know the possible side effects.

I said before that we are venturing into the rash department.

It appears to be our new thing.

Number 7 has some sort of rash now.

It started a couple days ago.

Over the past couple days it’s gotten worse.

So yesterday I made an appointment with the doctor for this morning.

I don’t think it’s anything major.

It looks mostly like poison ivy to me, but I don’t know how she would have gotten it where she did.

She’s had one chicken pox vaccination, so I don’t think it’s that.

Plus, she’s not scratching it at all.

She doesn’t even seem to notice that it’s there.

I took a picture of it, in the hopes that I could just text it to the doctor.

I guess that’s a no-no.

So I put it on the facebook page.

Kind of for kicks, while we wait to see the doctor.

Maybe someone would know what it was.

Boy.

If you want to start a shitstorm of comments, put a picture of a rashy kid on your facebook page.

Holy Cow.

Apparently Number 7 has a life-threatening rash.

Or leprosy.

And she needs to be rushed to the ER.

Of course, when I took her picture she made the world’s saddest face. She was actually getting dressed to go outside. She was happier than a clam.

But that little mouth really amped up the concern for her well-being.

I want you all to know that Number 7 is still alive and kicking.

She is still in possession of all her body parts.

She is not swollen.

Or sad.

Or crying.

Or comatose.

In fact, she just ate a bowl of Cheerios, and now she is crawling around on the floor, barking like a dog.

Yikes.

Crawling around and barking like a dog?

Forget the ER.

Screw the doctor.

I know what needs to be done.

I’m taking Number 7 directly to the vet.

STAT.

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