Buckle up. It’s the law.

When I was in college and on the swim team, we had a sports psychologist who came and talked to us.

He talked about the word should.

He said it was a dysfunctional word.

About 5 years ago, I started seeing this therapist who also disliked the word should.

She often used the phrase don’t should on yourself, which, I think, is what that sports psychologist was also trying to say.

My therapist explained how every time you use the word should, you are judging, and, as she put it, taking people to court.

She showed me how the word should immediately puts people on the defensive, because if someone tells you you should be doing something,

ultimately what they are saying is,

You are not doing that the “right” way. 

When your mom says to you,

“You should really get his hair cut,”

she is judging the length of your son’s hair, and she is telling you that you don’t have it cut to the “proper” length.

Starting that sentence of with “You” is another no-no.

That also immediately puts the other person on the defensive.

When she says “You should brush her hair,” your immediate instinct is to defend yourself.

And to say something along the lines of,

“You should fuck off.”

Even if your daughter has the beginnings of dreadlocks forming in her hair.

When someone you don’t even know tells you that your son should have been potty trained a long time ago,

she is telling you that you have done it all wrong.

That she has the right way.

Again, you are put on the defensive.

And you feel the need to attack, even if you child is 8 years old and wearing a diaper.

Now, my therapist taught me to respond to those judgemental you shoulds with something along the lines of

“I’m not going to be taken to court today.”

Lots of “I statements.”

I learned a lot about I statements and how the delivery of what you say is very important.

I learned that using “That’s not how I really meant it to come across” to justify something I’ve said or the way in which I’ve said it doesn’t really matter to somebody once the words have come out of your mouth.

I also learned that I was way more judgemental than I thought.

Now I wouldn’t say I’m a pro in the “I statement” department right now, but I’m way better than I used to be.

There will always be room for improvement, but I do try to always be conscious of how I am speaking to other people.

A few posts ago, I mentioned that Number 3 suffers from motion sickness, that he’s always been that way, that we’ve tried every remedy known to mankind, that he has outgrown it somewhat in the past couple years, and that this year in 3rd grade he was going to attempt to ride the bus to school for the first time since kindergarten.

He made it through the first week no problem.

But the day after Labor Day,

um,

not so much.

I had just walked into Number 6’s preschool when the Director pulled me aside.

“The nurse just called from Number 3’s school. He got sick on the bus. You need to go pick him up.”

Shit.

I didn’t want to leave Number 3 sitting in the nurse’s office covered in his own barf,

but I didn’t want to drag Number 6 out of his first day of preschool. He was having fun checking everything out.

So I pulled some pretty fancy strategical maneuvers,

got Papa down to the preschool,

made it over to Number 3’s school,

and got him out of there.

The nurse had given him a change of clothes.

It was only 9:45 when I got him. It was still early. I thought I’d clean him up and bring him back, and as we walked out of the building, I asked him how he felt.

His response?

“I feel fine. But the nurse said I not to come back to school.

Oh, and Mom? Um, these clothes aren’t very fashionable.”

I told you about boys and their clothes.

So he stayed at home.

I thought about all the ways I could try to keep him on the bus for the rest of the year.

Ultimately though, I knew what I thought the right thing to do for him was.

So the next morning I loaded everyone in the car.

And as annoying as it is, when I looked in the rear view mirror and saw this:

I couldn’t help but smile. They all just looked so cute. I had to take a picture.

Now I’ll be honest.

I don’t check the kids seat belts very often, if ever.

It’s always kind of a whirlwind just getting them in there. And I’m always running late.

I do have to tell Number 4 to get her seat belt out from under her arm almost every time we are in the car.

And if I’m really going to be honest, I don’t always put Number 3 and 4 in booster seats when technically they should still be in one.

So anyway, after I got home I looked at my car-full-of-kids picture and thought it was pretty cute.

I noticed Number 4’s mess of a seatbelt.

Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn’t post that.

Somebody’s going to say something.

But the cuteness outweighed the seat belt.

It only took about 30 minutes for someone to leave a comment about the seat belt.

And not just Number 3’s, but all three kids in that middle seat.

I have to admit, it did kind of piss me off.

Truth be told, I’ve been operating under the philosophy of “they are way safer than I was when I was a kid.”

I know that’s a cop out.

But the

“How many times did we put the back seat of the station wagon down, cover it with sleeping bags, and ride down 95 on a road trip?”

and the

“We weren’t strapped to anything at all”

and the

“My mom held me in the front seat on the car ride home from the hospital”

mentality are hard to shake.

There are plenty of things I could do better.

I went back and reread the comment from the self-professed “Car Seat Nazi.”

You know what?

She wasn’t as judgy as I originally thought. Maybe a little extremist though.

I’m not sure “all three kids are at risk for serious injury in an accident.”

Perhaps they are not “optimally protected” as the website she provided me with describes, but I’d say they are safer than if they had no seat belt on at all.

Did she did suck a little bit of the fun out of the picture?

Yep.

Because what she doesn’t know is that Number 4’s seatbelt looked nothing like that as we drove down the road.

Now here I am defending myself in court.

To someone who accused me of something when she doesn’t have all the facts.

Someone’s always gonna judge.

My response?

Thanks for your concern.

But please take someone else to court today.

We were still in park.

And I just wanted to show you my car full of cute, non-puking kids.

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