And I said yes, yes, YES. The Ultimate Mother’s Day Gift.

I love my kids.

More than anything.

I would climb mountains, brave storms, and take bullets for them.

But let’s face it.

Sometimes you just want a break.

Other times, you need a break.

And, that’s why I don’t want flowers for Mother’s Day.

I don’t want a lame coupon book saying you’ll clean the kitchen, or cook a meal, or give me a massage.

We all know those coupons should really say, “This coupon is good for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.”

What I do I really want for Mother’s Day?

Well, that falls into 2 categories:

things I want

and

things I don’t want.

First, the things I don’t want.

1) I don’t want to touch poop.

Or puke.

Or snot.

Or any other bodily fluid that did not emanate from my own body.

And yes, Honey, that includes you too.

2) I don’t want to find anything.

I don’t want to spend one second of my day looking for a shoe, a sock, a remote, a DS, a pencil, the ketchup, or anything else.

If you can’t find it,

tough shit.

3) I don’t want to drive anybody anywhere.

I want a 24 hour period that is free from fastening or unfastening someone else’s seat belt.

4) I don’t want to be touched.

And, again,

sorry Honey.

That means you too.

I don’t want my pant leg pulled, I don’t want my hair ripped out, and I don’t want to be climbed on.

5) I do not want to hear one single kid crying.

In fact, I don’t want to hear anything.

Which brings me to what I want.

And what I would like for Mother’s Day is all the shit I used to have or do before I was a mother.

1) I want to know where all my crap is.

I want to go into my room, and find my shoes in the exact last place I left them.

2) I want to take a shower

and a crap

alone.

Without anyone watching me.

And without being interrogated using any of the following questions:

“What is that?”

or

“What are those?”

or

“When I’m bigger am I gonna have some of those?”

or,

my favorite,

“Why do you have fur down there?”

No, not hair.

Fur.

Which brings me to Number 3.

I don’t just want to take a shower without an audience.

3)I want to take a leisurely shower.

Not a speed shower.

I want unlimited time.

I want to waste some water.

I want to shave at a pace that doesn’t result in multiple flesh wounds.

I want to leave the conditioner in my hair for a full two minutes like the directions on the bottle say.

And after,

when I’m all done,

I want to moisturize.

4) I want to talk, but only if I feel like it.

When I do, I want everyone else to listen.

And give me support.

And validation.

And encouragement.

4)I want someone else to cook for me.

And clean for me.

And pick up after me.

All day.

So, now that I think about it,

What do I want for Mother’s Day?

I want to be Lindsay Lohan.

And I want to go to rehab.

Now that right there would be the

best.

Mother’s Day.

EVER.

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