A Time-Out Mindset Shift

Changing the way you parent or look at commonly utilized parenting methods is difficult.

Paradigm shifts make many of us uncomfortable and that discomfort often causes us to automatically respond with disbelief and opposition.

We can also come up with many justifications for why any new idea won’t work for us.

We are too busy. Our kids are way too out of control for that. We work outside the home. We work inside the home. We don’t work at all. Whatever.

It is not easy to make changes.

Trust me, I know, because I am trying to make them and I am constantly thinking about the words that are coming out of my mouth and it’s tiring.

But what I also know is that a lot of the stuff I have done in the past has not worked.

I believe in order to be a good teacher, a good coach, a good athlete, a good parent — a good anything — you need to be continuously evaluating what you are doing and how you are performing, utilizing your strengths as often as possible and to the best of your ability, and then also improving the things you are doing that aren’t working.

That’s one of the reasons being a parent is so hard. There is no manual. And we often feel like we are banging our heads against the wall.

But if we are banging our heads against the wall, then what we are doing isn’t working.

It’s not our kids.

It’s us.

Many of us do the things that our parents did with us. Because that’s what we learned.

No matter what you do, whether it’s your parents’ way or not, your kids are going to test you and push you.

But wouldn’t it be great if it happened less? Wouldn’t it be great if you could at least cut down on the number of times you had to grit your teeth and take a deep breath every day?

Because while examining the way you are parenting and being mindful of all the words that come out of your mouth is tiring, having kids who are repeatedly doing the same things over and over, and dealing with the same situations on a continuous loop is even more tiring.

Rather than putting most of my time and energy into battling the same issues over and over and over again, I’d rather invest time into learning new strategies that will not only  change my children’s behavior, but also change my relationship with them.

It’s not easy.

But neither is using the same method to deal with rude or disrespectful or irresponsible behaviors over and over and over again.

If you are doing something multiple times a week or day, then perhaps the strategy isn’t working.

Perhaps it’s time to try a different approach.

Perhaps it’s time for…

a paradigm shift.

Think about how many time outs you are giving and for what behaviors you are giving them.

If you are constantly putting your kids into a time out or banishing them to their room for the same things, um…

the time outs aren’t working.

And one of the reasons is because time outs that are punitive humiliate your kids and make them feel bad about themselves. And kids who feel bad about themselves don’t all of the sudden say to themselves, HEY! I’m gonna totally change my ways and do the right thing!”

I mean, look at adults… Adults who feel bad about themselves often engage in unhealthy behaviors. They drink and smoke and overeat and have sex and gamble and do drugs and whatever.

Kids who feel bad about themselves or don’t know how to process their emotions do unhealthy things, too.

If you have ever had a fight with your husband or wife,  you may have gotten to the point where all you wanted was to leave the room (or the house) and just give yourself a few minutes to cool off.

But what if it was your spouse who said to you, “You need to go into the bedroom right now and think about what you are doing and I will tell you when you can come out.”

If my husband said that to me, I’d tell him to go f*ck himself.

And our kids often basically do that when we do the same thing to them.

Maybe not in those exact words, but in some way they do. Especially if  they repeat the behavior over and over.

So what if you gave your kids the tools to recognize when things were just getting to be too much?

What if time out became a positive thing?

What if you helped your child to create her own cool-off space that had stuff in it that helped her to calm down?

What if it was peaceful and cozy and had whatever she would want in it to help her press the reset button until she had calmed down enough to be able to come out and start over again?

We made this cool out space up in our playroom. It has some nice lights and pillows and blankets and stuffed animals in it. Number 7 loves it.

It’s not full of toys and there is no technology in there. But it’s cozy and calming for Number 7.

Sometimes she wants to go in there alone. Sometimes she asks me to sit with her.

Isn’t this the equivalent of us, as adults, taking a few deep breaths or counting to 10 (or 1,000,000?)

If you got into a fight with your husband, if you said things you regretted, if you were feeling bad about the way you had acted, wouldn’t it be nice to have a calm and quiet spot where you could go until you calmed yourself down and felt better?

How would you feel if someone locked you in your room indefinitely? I know it would only piss me off more. It wouldn’t motivate me to reflect upon my actions. But I’m pretty certain it would prompt me to either retaliate or completely withdraw.

Those aren’t either of the reactions that will help our children reflect upon their behavior. And as parents, it does not help us give our children tools to make different decisions in the future.

Consider reexamining the time out or the go to your room punishment. Because what is it you are really looking for when you get to this point with your kids?

Are you looking to make your kid feel terrible? Or are you looking for a change in the behavior?

If you are looking for a way to help your child change his or her behavior, it’s tough to do in the heat of the moment when he or she (and you) are all fired up.

You need to get to a calm space emotionally. And having a calm space physically can help you get there a lot more quickly. Then once you and your child have calmed down (and that might even mean waiting until the next day), you can work together to come up with solutions to the problems you are having.

This positive parenting stuff can be a complete 180 from what we have always thought was the thing we should be doing with our children.

But if you are finding yourself completely frustrated and at your wit’s end and wondering how the heck you (and your kids) are going to make it through the next few years alive, it might be just the thing you need.