A Familiar — and Frustrating — Scenario

Here is the scenario:

Your whole family is supposed to be at a family function at 6:00 p.m.  You have to leave at 5:45. Your husband is aware of this. This is not the first family function you’ve attended. You’ve been in this situation  dozens of times before.

You and your husband both need to take a shower and get dressed. You also need to get the kids dressed, pack the food you offered to contribute to the family function, and pack pajamas to take with you because you will be there until the kids’ bedtimes (or more likely past them), and you want to have them ready for bed before you leave to come home.

At 4:30 you start the process of getting the kids ready. Your husband is nowhere to be found. At 5:20 you finally have all the kids and the food ready to go. Your husband is still MIA. You plant the kids in front of the TV and tell them not to move or touch each other so you can take a shower and get dressed. You take the world’s fastest shower, get dressed, dry your hair, throw makeup on, break up three fights between the kids, tell your kids to leave each other the hell alone and then tell them to get into the car. Meanwhile, your husband appears from out of nowhere at 5:40 and cluelessly says to you, “I’m just going to hop in the shower. We don’t have to leave for five more minutes, right?”

You clench your teeth, roll the shit out of your eyes, and tell the kids to hurry up and get their coats on.  You are sweating profusely and your hair looks like crap already. You run out to the car and get two of the three kids buckled into their seats. You rush back into the house to get the food and the bag with the pajamas and the third kid. The third kid has taken off the shoes you just spent five minutes ramming onto her feet. You ask kid #3 why the fu*k she just took her goddamn shoes off, and your husband emerges from the bedroom, showered and fresh and calm.

It’s 4:45:59.

“Ready to go? Is there anything you need me to do?” he asks you.

You resist the overwhelming urge to roll your eyes again. Or say something passive aggressive. Or totally lose your shit.

But it’s okay.

From your reaction, he must know you are pissed. There is no doubt now that he realizes the hell you just went through to get everyone ready and a light bulb in his head has surely clicked.

Next time we have to go somewhere, I will be available and ready to help out an hour before it’s time to leave. How thoughtless of me.

You don’t say anything to him. He’s not stupid. He gets it. You are sure of it.

One month later…

Your whole family is supposed to be at a family function at 6:00 p.m.  You have to leave at 5:45. Your husband is aware of this. This is not the first family function you’ve attended. You’ve been in this situation  dozens of times before.

You and your husband both need to take a shower and get dressed. You also need to get the kids dressed, pack the food you offered to contribute, and pack pajamas to take with you because you will be there until the kids’ bed times (or more likely past them), and you want to have them ready for bed before you leave to come home.

At 4:30 you start the process of getting the kids ready. Your husband is nowhere to be found…

This is a frustrating scenario.

Because we women expect our husbands to think the way we do. But for whatever reason, they don’t.

They aren’t trying to be inconsiderate. They aren’t trying to frustrate the hell out of us.

The truth of the matter is that most men just really don’t think that way.

And that’s why we get so pissed. Because we take it personally. We think they are purposely trying to screw us over.

I mean, why wouldn’t it cross your husband’s mind to help out with this stuff? Why wouldn’t he remember that for every kid you have in the house, you have to add ten minutes to your whole departure process?

It’s possible your husband has tried to help in the past and you have told him that he’s not doing it correctly. Or you have rolled your eyes or sighed heavily or gone off on him, so he’s decided to just leave it all up to you.

There is also a chance you have done none of those things and your husband is just totally clueless.

In either case, it’s really fucking annoying.

But many men fall into that second category. Their brains just don’t think the way ours do. They’re not thinking about bedtime and being prepared later. They’re just thinking to be ready to go by that time you said to be ready by.

When you have been married for a little while, you start to expect your husband (or wife) to know exactly what it is that you want without telling them.  I mean, if you’ve been together for a few years or more, they should know exactly what it is you expect at all times, right?

And then when they don’t do what we are expecting them to do — without actually saying anything to them — we get pissed. We start to resent them. We get into this whole cycle.

You can continue to do this. You can continue to be the martyr, get everything ready on your own, get stressed and annoyed and angry.

Or you can do something different.

The next time you know you’re going to find yourself in one of these situations again, maybe you can try a new approach.

I know I’m going to!

Instead of expecting my husband to read my mind, instead of saying nothing, getting pissed, and being resentful, instead of assuming he’s picked up on all my nonverbal cues, the next time we have to go somewhere as a family I’ll say something like this:

Hey, Honey? Tomorrow we’ll need to leave the house by 5:30 to get to _______. It would really mean a lot to me and be a huge help if you could be available to help get the kids ready starting at 4:30. I could use help getting them dressed and packing up clothes and getting the stuff loaded in the car, and it would be really nice if you hung out with them while I took a shower so I don’t have to rush or deal with any fights or meltdowns and can take a civilized shower. I could really use your help starting at 4:30 

I bet, especially if given plenty of notice, your husband would respond with something along the lines of, Okay. Sure thing, Babe. I’ll be ready to help out at 4:30.

Because your husband isn’t a lazy a$$hole who doesn’t want to help you.

His brain just doesn’t work the same way yours does.

You can continue to beat your head against the wall.

Or maybe rather than waiting for your husband to figure something out (something that he doesn’t even realize you’re expecting him to figure out), maybe a better strategy would be to change the way you approach the situation.

I know which option I’m going to take.

Please vote!