I thought I was solving the problem. Until I realized I was actually a part of it.

One of the biggest recurring issues I  have with the kids that drives me nuts on a regular basis, multiple times a day, is the kids fighting.

A lot.

Like as soon as I leave the room, I pretty much know I only have a minute or two before my house resembles Lord of the Flies.

And then there are one or two or three kids crying and they are bursting through the bathroom door (while I’m pretending to be going to the bathroom but really just sitting on the toilet seat and numbing my mind on Facebook) because of whatever one of them did to the other(s).

It is beyond frustrating at this point.

I am constantly refereeing. I am constantly taking sides. I am constantly protecting one kid and punishing another.

I can’t take it anymore.

This isone of the super frustrating issues that has me reexamining my parenting methods and which has led me to positive discipline.

According to this approach, there are 27 basic tools.

Each one is important to use if you are to really change the dynamic of your family.

The first one is be kind and firm.

One of the biggest mistakes we make as parents is that we fall into either the category of the boss or the milquetoast parent. Either we have all the power and kids should listen to and obey us just because we are the boss, or we are permissive and let them get away with way too much. Often if we are noticing problems with the way our kids are behaving, we are also vacillating between the two and there isn’t a lot of consistency.

The boss likes to point the finger, find fault, and then punish as the main form of discipline while the milquetoast parents feel sorry for their kids, don’t hold them accountable, don’t let them learn from mistakes, feel guilty all the time and create a situation where the kid is raising the parent instead of the other way around.

But kind and firm parents?

They look for solutions.

And they realize that the person who can and must change first is the parent.

UGH WE have to change?

But change is really hard and really  tiring!

Yes, it is.

But so is spending your entire day breaking up fights, sending kids to time outs, taking things away and repeating that cycle multiple times in a 24 hour period.

I know I’ve got some things to change about myself.

It’s time to try something new.

So instead of jumping in, I tried something different.

I stopped taking sides.

Because what I realized is that I take sides every single time.

EVERY TIME!

Every time the kids are fighting over something I will, in one way or another, tell one kid they are being kind of a jerk and that they need to give whatever they are fighting over to the other kid.

Usually I side with whichever kid is going to throw the biggest and most annoying fit because I just don’t want to listen to it.

I definitely tell Number 3 and 4 to  hand things over to Number 5, 6, and 7 way more than the other way around because I feel like they should understand since they are older.

That’s not very fair of me.

I could see how it would get really annoying if I were Number 3 or 4. And I could see how Number 5, 6, and 7 are learning that if they throw a hissy fit, eventually I will make sure they get their way.

So yeah. I totally want to blame the kids for being out-of-control button-pushers who know better, but the truth of the matter is I am encouraging the behavior on both sides to continue.

What would be more effective instead?

Removing the toy from both of them and letting them work it out.

Duh.

My immediate responses — “Why can’t you just, for once, cooperate???” or “Number 7 can have it first and I’ll set the timer and then it’s your turn.” — are innefective because that is me pointing fingers and then solving the problem for the kids. I am not teaching them or giving them opportunities to resolve anything on their own. And that’s why they keep coming back to me and doing the same thing over and over again.

I tried this today.

I told Number 5, 6, and 7 (who were fighting over who got to pick the show they were going to watch) that I would no longer be taking sides. I said to them, “I am confident you can figure out a way to work this out.”

They looked at me like,

Um… what the heck did you just say? YOU AREN’T GOING TO TELL US WHAT TO DO???

It took them a while to get it sorted out. A loooong while.

It was really hard not to react, not to jump in, and not to threaten to take away the television indefinitely.

But you know what?

They eventually figured it out. All by themselves!

They learned a lesson today. A life skill! A skill they can apply to other relationships down the road.

It wasn’t a perfect day today. There were many (MANY) other issues!

I will really need to do a lot of reflection as my natural instinct is to automatically jump in, take sides, and tell the kids exactly what to do.

But that’s the other good thing about this process.

Just like making the decision to clean up a room that’s totally out of control and picking one small section to start with first, Positive Discipline is something that happens gradually. One small step at a time. It’s not all or nothing, and it takes time.

But today was a very good start. For all of us.

Do you need to lose your shit in order for your kids to help out at home? My LIVE WORKSHOP is open for registration. Register now.